Did all of the toilet paper run out at the worst possible time??? Well, you could’ve avoided that catastrophe if only you had come to Hottywood for a few answers! Never fear. It’s not too late.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Wearing last Sunday’s underwear this Tuesday will bring you bad luck on the day after tomorrow.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Two bitches are going to fight over you today. Stay away from whores named Luck & Karma.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
All of your socks will have holes at the bottom from where the stench burned through. This is a good week to start bathing in ammonia.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
When things can’t get any worse, your level of luck will be at its highest low peak.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A baseball bat will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Watch your back.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
There are two sides to every story; yours and the truth.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The best compliment you can offer somebody is to leave the room.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
People aren’t telling you to “…shut up,” b/c it sounds good. Either your breath stinks or you talk too much.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If your armpit hair is shedding like cat fur, something’s wrong.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Mooning a clergyman is your bargaining chip to get into heaven.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are smart enough to know that no one is stupid enough to believe you’re as smart as you want everyone to think.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t worry. Being an idiot is only a bad thing when you say it out loud.
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Quote of the Week: “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”
Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest? Of course they are, but they don’t have to be. After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at? Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per 
The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor. It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway. You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded. Either way, it will never be forgotten. 
If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately. Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood. Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care. 
Be apart of the meeting. Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation. Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer. If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation. The more your reek of alcohol the better! 
Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees. Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know? You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.
It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely. Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit. Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas. Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly. 
It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste. If so, don’t fret. There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security. Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team. Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside. Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics. 
There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget. “Nobody likes a quitter!” Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to 
your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return. All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler. When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up! Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting. Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm. 
They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.” But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back? Wait. Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now? How do you deal? Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone? Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars? The answers are never easily revealed. For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart. 
Some people believe in second chances. Some believe in fate. Some believe that everything happens for a reason. Those people are silly. The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time. And those people are right. Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about 
you. That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit. There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first. In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated. Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again. If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 
Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh. Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone. You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing. Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for. This is 
your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon! The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before. You don’t need justification. You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are. It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 
Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.” Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine. Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze. Get the last laugh. Laugh long and laugh loud! 
There’s a certain level of etiquette one expects when visiting a fine dining establishment — ah hell, when visiting any dining establishment. Most folks expect service with a smile, courteousness, good hygiene and maybe general awareness of what the hell they are doing. But how many times have you gone into a restaurant and have been pawned over by your server? Have you ever stopped to count the number of times they’ve gazed into your eyes or rubbed your back or dropped their pencil so they can look between your legs from underneath the table? What is this, a brothel? 
Every now and then, you may get lucky enough [
Most people can get beyond a little bad service. To some degree it’s acceptable to keep your guests waiting for 30 minutes or serve cold food or completely screw up an order…maybe even undercook your food until it’s practically raw. But when you think of the number of people your host has touched in a span of about four to six hours, things begin to get a little dicey. The germs that they’ve picked up from the backs they’ve rubbed or the hands they’ve shaken or the dollar bills they’ve collected in tips have settled onto your plate, silverware, napkins, straws and glasses, leaving you contaminated with someone else’s pervert juice. Let’s face it, now-a-days it’s probably safer to just walk into a restaurant wearing a full body condom. Though it may not be the nicest thing one can say to a host or hostess, when they ask if there’s anything they can get you, your best bet 
is probably to reply to them, “You can get the hell away from me!” But who wants to be rude? Just refuse to eat the food or drink the beverages. In fact, ask them to point you in the direction of the nearest faucet and you can drink the water straight from the tap. It’s probably more sanitary, anyway.
After giving it a little bit of thought, the servers are the forefronts of the restaurant itself. They are the faces of the company. Having said that, what the hell is going on behind the scenes? Are the chefs sweating in our food? Are they spitting on our sourdough? Are they sneezing in our salad? What are all those eleven herbs and spices, anyway? Who does a guy have to screw to get some answers around here? Well, I take that back considering that most of the restaurants in our pop culture today are fast-food f*ck-fests.
This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles. Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you. 
Gemini
Libra 
Scorpio
Pisces
Sagittarius 
It’s time we had a little chat. I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone sitting down to tell you exactly how much bullsh*t you’re worth. You are evil and rude and vindictive and I personally don’t like it. 
“Damn you! Damn you, Traffic, for the loud horns and the inconsiderate school kids sticking out their tongues and giving me the middle finger as they scurry back and forth in front of my car. Where’s a safety patrol when you need one? Damn you for making me miss my doctor’s appointments, staff meetings and one hour sales. Curses for making me miss happy hour by 15 minutes! I blame unneeded construction on you. I blame potholes on you. I blame broken traffic signals, slow walking old people and suicidal stray cats all on you. It’s your fault, Traffic. Do you hear me???” 
At this point you’d probably give me a blank stare, kind of like you’re doing now, with an irritating smirk on your face, followed by a weak laugh — almost as if to ask, “What are you going to do about it?” Oh, but I’ll tell you what I’d do about it. I’d tie you down with duct tape and toss your ass in the middle of the train tracks with two speeding steam locomotives coming at you from both directions. 
I’m not sure if I’d wait for the collision or not, but I am pretty positive that I’d find great pleasure in your panic. The same panic that I feel as I dash through my office doors, hoping my supervisor doesn’t catch me; the same panic that I feel as I try to sneak into the church sanctuary without being called out by the minister; the very same panic I feel when I’m late picking up the kids from day-care, and the day-care teacher has a hot date…the first one in like, forever! 
You see, Traffic, if we could only compromise a little bit, then I wouldn’t have to track you down like a hunter during duck-hunting season. All you need to do is fix it so that all the green lights remain green until I’ve passed. Oh, and maybe keep a giant umbrella over my car when it rains. Because you know as well as I do that people in the city can’t drive in the rain…or the snow…or at night…or…well you get my point. 
Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist. Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind. You’re only human. Live a little. Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 
Pisces
Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses. Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble. All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time. You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that. If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
Tip #1. If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap. They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants. This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date. If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out. You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
Tip #2. If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother. The road ahead will be rockier than a 
and the dangers that come along with. For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue. What goes on in the night when every eye is shut? Is it not true that the freaks come out at night? If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams. But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call. Some ass is better than none at all. 
Tip #3. If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line. This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!” You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is? Is it marriage? An 
alternative lifestyle? Kids? No job? No common sense? A sexaholic? An alcoholic? The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers. Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead. Watch your step before you fall into a ditch. Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy. You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into. 
Tip #4. If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air. That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them. Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them. The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike! 
Tip #5. If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good. Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them. Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be. If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth. And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’! 
It goes without saying that this world is full of stupid people who do stupid things. However, instead of talking about how idiotic they are, we should learn from them. We should learn how not to be as intellectually challenged as some of our counterparts. You’d be suprised at the number of smart people who do some of the dumbest sh*t. Afterall, it’s terribly possible for someone to be so smart that they lack common sense. On the other hand, there are plenty of folks who are only smart enough to rely on their common sense. These folks typically end up landing boast-worthy jobs working in the check-out line of a thrift store. 
Why would you put on the most unflattering accessory you can find to draw attention to a not so charming face and an even worse haircut? What’s worse is that most people wear these horrific accessories in closed places to make themselves stand out. News flash, moron: you stand out alright, but only as the ass who looks like a total jack ass. 
Why would you decide to go grocery go-cart racing in a grocery store parking lot, with the finish line being at the entrance of the lot? One of these days, as you’re sitting in your wheelchair with two paralyzed legs, you’ll sit back and laugh at that drag race gone wrong. 
Nothing says ‘life of the party’ like pouring a glass of beer in your nose. 
Who in the hell would allow themselves to be used as a human paint brush? A human ball point pen maybe, but a human paint brush? 
Why would you bother writing the reminder, “THINK” on your stomach? Doesn’t everyone think with their stomach? 
Your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your new spouse, and of course looking great and having all the single people stab themselves with jealousy. Why in the hell would you stuff your face like a homeless puppy, and run the risk of ruining that perfect outfit that was handed down to you from your family member who was married 6 times in the same get-up? For your next wedding, drink more. Eat less.
Why would you let a blind barber give you a haircut? No matter how you spin it, that style will never catch on. Well, maybe if someone makes walking around blindfolded popular. 
Why would you do number 2 in anyone’s bathroom without checking to see if there’s any toilet paper? You can always use your socks to wipe your ass and clean off your fingers once you’ve finished writing the phrase, “Need Toilet Paper,” in shyt on the walls. Just don’t count on being invited back to the paperless establishment. 
What sense does it make to drive blindfolded while wearing a seatbelt??? 
Why would you try to use an EBT card to make an online purchase? On second thought, you’d be surprised at the perks of living in the hood. 
Just because the fattest coworker at your job buys you lunch every day simply to make it appear as if they have friends doesn’t mean you should agree to sleep with them to even the debt. Maybe you should take a class in using people to avoid this type of horrifying self-reduction in the future.
Why would you serve alcohol at a celebratory recovery party to a recovering drunk? 
