It goes without saying that this world is full of stupid people who do stupid things. However, instead of talking about how idiotic they are, we should learn from them. We should learn how
not to be as intellectually challenged as some of our counterparts. You’d be suprised at the number of smart people who do some of the dumbest sh*t. Afterall, it’s terribly possible for someone to be so smart that they lack common sense. On the other hand, there are plenty of folks who are only smart enough to rely on their common sense. These folks typically end up landing boast-worthy jobs working in the check-out line of a thrift store.
Pay close attention to the list below and learn what NOT to do to wind up on the “Why in the Hell Would You Do That, Genius?” list.
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Why would you put on the most unflattering accessory you can find to draw attention to a not so charming face and an even worse haircut? What’s worse is that most people wear these horrific accessories in closed places to make themselves stand out. News flash, moron: you stand out alright, but only as the ass who looks like a total jack ass.
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Why would you decide to go grocery go-cart racing in a grocery store parking lot, with the finish line being at the entrance of the lot? One of these days, as you’re sitting in your wheelchair with two paralyzed legs, you’ll sit back and laugh at that drag race gone wrong.
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Nothing says ‘life of the party’ like pouring a glass of beer in your nose.
Oh yeah, I’m sure the dates will be lining up for a night on the town with you.
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Who in the hell would allow themselves to be used as a human paint brush? A human ball point pen maybe, but a human paint brush?
This is one of the many mysteries of the world.
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Why would you bother writing the reminder, “THINK” on your stomach? Doesn’t everyone think with their stomach?
That goes without saying.
…Duh.
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Your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your new spouse, and of course looking great and having all the single people stab themselves with jealousy. Why in the hell would you stuff your face like a homeless puppy, and run the risk of ruining that perfect outfit that was handed down to you from your family member who was married 6 times in the same get-up? For your next wedding, drink more. Eat less.
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Why would you let a blind barber give you a haircut? No matter how you spin it, that style will never catch on. Well, maybe if someone makes walking around blindfolded popular.
You never know what they’ll come up with these days in Hollywood, where style is concerned.
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Why would you do number 2 in anyone’s bathroom without checking to see if there’s any toilet paper? You can always use your socks to wipe your ass and clean off your fingers once you’ve finished writing the phrase, “Need Toilet Paper,” in shyt on the walls. Just don’t count on being invited back to the paperless establishment.
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What sense does it make to drive blindfolded while wearing a seatbelt???
There’s no point in living on the edge if you’re going to be safe about it.
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Why would you try to use an EBT card to make an online purchase? On second thought, you’d be surprised at the perks of living in the hood.
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Just because the fattest coworker at your job buys you lunch every day simply to make it appear as if they have friends doesn’t mean you should agree to sleep with them to even the debt. Maybe you should take a class in using people to avoid this type of horrifying self-reduction in the future.
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Why would you serve alcohol at a celebratory recovery party to a recovering drunk?
This is a sure way to get a one-way ticket straight to hell. That is unless you have friends in high — or low places.
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Quote of the week: “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”
Categorized in Advice and Humor
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Make the most of every moment with a helping hand from Hottywood Helps. That catastrophe that lurks around the corner can be avoided with a little insight from the guy who has all the answers!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It doesn’t always pay to look good. Your shoes are too small and your feet hurt. You should learn to love your toes like 10 friends on a camping trip.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
To the world around you, your face looks as if it froze – mid sneeze.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t worry about losing any friends. Worry about finding out who your real friends are.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Ask any questions you want. If you don’t get the answer(s) you’re looking for, beat it out of the person you’re asking. Nothing says “truth” more than a good ass whooping.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Big, bold, and bursting with energy. That’s you today. Make sure your ski mask matches your shoes and avoid boys in blue carrying silver bracelets and BB guns.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You need a private audience with someone of importance, but since no one is as important as your selfish ass, a one-night-stand will have to do. Have fun, you freak!
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Don’t catch an attitude when your neighbor tells you you can’t plug your extension cord in their electrical socket. This should teach you to pay your damn electric bill, El Cheapo!
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The stain on the armpit of your shirt is not soy sauce from that wild night at the Chinese joint. It’s the residue of your body stench. Remember: showers are as important as peanut butter is on a PB&J sandwich.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
To change your luck, wear your underwear on the outside of all your clothes. Just stay away from Catholic churches, prisons and barbershops.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Hot passion meets cold steel. Your date may not turn out quite the way you’ve planned.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The result of your future lies at the pointy end of a samurai sword. You have all the power you need. And the documentation from the psych ward to prove it.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You may want to notice the little subtleties that show that you are getting on someone’s nerves. Not that you have to do anything about it – just notice it. It could be entertaining.
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Quote of the Week: ”You lead more flies than cicadas to a jar of pickles.”
Categorized in Advice, Horoscopes and Humor
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Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough. People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen.
People who fall into the category of:
- folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
- folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
- folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.
It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow. It’s the complaining. We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life. Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that 
person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear. These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.
This just in: “NO ONE CARES!”
Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’ You are not the only person with problems. And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky. In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your 
side of the table. Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air.
Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection. What you 
are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else. In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid.
There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!
Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents. Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted. Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention. In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!
If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike:
Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for. Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. - Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.
- Set boundaries. The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.
- Tell them it’s all their fault. Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career. Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves.
If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip. A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise. In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic. And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END!
So let’s recap here: Stop dumping your issues on other people. Why? Because no one gives a sh*t. You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation. All it takes is a little effort. And 90% of any effort is getting started.
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Quote of the week: “The life we lead must be worth living.”
Categorized in Advice and Humor
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Misconception
There are many myths that lurk in the cold streets of Hottywood. But let me tell you it’s not all the glitz and the glamour you may imagine. It has nothing to do with sex, drugs or booze. It’s not about money, fame, or chasing lost dreams. Sure, there’s no denying all those things are great; they’re the perks that come with the package. It’s about so much more; more than principle; more than revenge; even more than respect. Because in the hills of Hottywood, you’ve got to want it all.
The Bum Wrap
The day started like any other – brandy, spiked with a little coffee – iced. A tailored pinstripe get up, accessorized with expensive shoes, and a few slices of bacon wrapped in aluminum foil to get the day going. Afterall, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I got a call from Jimmy “The Fish,” asking me to meet him at the cafe on the hill – low key and under the radar. Jimmy and I go way back. All the way back to when tube socks with rings around the ankles were just as popular as stiffing a meter in a cab. You couldn’t pin old Jimmy though even if you were a sumo wrestler on steroids. He’s slippery like a fish and would rat you out for a nice shiny brick of gold. But he doesn’t lie.
I met up with him at the Banana Boat cafe. It’s a classy dive with crappy music, but the drinks make up for the misinterpreted entertainment. As I sipped on my Jack and coke, Jimmy confessed to me that he’d gotten mixed up with some bad guys over a small bag of ice worth more than Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot!” phrase. He needed me to hold the prize while he got his name off the radar. I figured I owed him for all the jams he’s gotten me out of in the past. I generally don’t mix with the bad guys. However sometimes you have to know some in order to determine how to play the game. At any rate, I agreed to help out my pal. Anything for a friend, right?
Upon leaving the block of the rendezvous point with Jimmy, a long, black stretch limo pulled up in front of me. “Mr. Hottywood, I presume.” A husky voice traveled behind an exhale of smoke from a Cuban cigar smoking creepy old guy with dark shades, speaking from the other side of amber tinted windows.
“Are you a bill collector?” I asked, sarcastically yet calm.
“You can say that.” he responded.
“I don’t believe I caught your name.” This conversation was taking a risky turn and I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.
“You will, Mr. Hottywood. You will.”
And with that reply, the window raised until the only thing I could see through the glass was my own reflection, just before the limo drove off, leaving me with an accelerated heart beat and some bruises on my ass from kicking myself for getting mixed in Jimmy’s scum wraps.
I decided to skip work and head back to the loft for a pick-me-up with nothing more than my thoughts and a chilled bottle. Why would Jimmy pawn his stash onto me knowing this deal was something more than I’d ever get involved with? Jimmy’s many things, but careless is not one of them. So now it’s time to think; think like Jimmy.
After a few sips and a couple of zzz’s, I hit the pavement. I had to get some scoop on the tobacco inhaling boss man. I had to be prepared for anything. Greed is blind and it doesn’t know when to stop. It’s up to me to find order.
Deonatello Ward
He’s one of the city’s top crime lords. He owns most of the swankiest hangouts, stock in the local police department and every hustler on every corner this side of the oak tree.
First rule of the game. Know your enemy. I think it’s about time to pay a visit to Miss ChiChi Ortegaopolis. She’s my dig on the inside. You’d be amazed at how much information you can learn about someone with nothing more than a nice smile, good interpersonal skills, a cigarette and a blackberry. It’s time to even the playing field. Mr Ward, let the games begin.
The Informant’s Rules
Unironically, nearly moments after I shagged my set of eyes for a little 411 on my S.O.S, I noticed I was being tailed by the cops. This time, unpaid parking tickets had nothing to do with anything. This was a setup. However things came to no surprise. Nothing suprises me in the hills of Hottywood. My snitch is just as elusive as Jimmy. She’s dangerous, conniving and manipulative, but a real knock-out. And beauty is one cold mistress. One thing I’ve learned from this fox is that there are a few simple rules that behooves a guy to know if he must scrap with the big dogs:
1. Expect to be deceived.
2. Know how to read between the lines; and
3. Always have a plan.
Like the steady breeze of the wind, I gave the feds the slip and made my way to the west side of town; where the other half lives. Acres of land, gated properites, watch dogs and armed agents. My kind of party.
Face Your Fears
I came face to face with large Egyptian inspired engravings on a door fit for a castle. “Mr. Ward’s got style,” I thought to myself, though I wasn’t surprised by the flashy taste money can buy. I rang the doorbell, which chimed louder than a bell tower, however to no warmed welcome. In fact, to no welcome at all. So I took it upon myself to invite me in.
The guards that stood at all the entrances were a breeze to get passed. I always say, “a few Taebo kicks and punches does just as much damage as it does good.”
I patrolled the home, taking in its exquisite artwork, high ceilings and no sense of coziness, only to be distracted by an infuriated voice coming from behind a slightly shut door.
“You idiots!” Mr. Ward shouted into his tightly gripped telephone receiver. “What do you mean you let him get away? Find him and I mean right now!” The force he put behind slamming the phone on the desk revealed all the signs of strings unraveling.
“Mr. Ward, I presume.” I stood confidently in the threshold of the acoustics-filled office.
“Wha…What? How did you get in here? Guards!” Frantic is the only way to describe the mood.
“I wouldn’t bother disturbing the guards. They’re all napping right now. You see Mr. Ward, I don’t like being intimidated, followed or attacked. That isn’t a proper way to play nice with other chaps, wouldn’t you say?” The tone in my calm voice lit a fire under his rage. He was like a bull seeing red, much to my delight. There’s nothing more gratifying than having a high lead over your opponent.
“Now you listen to me, you little prick! You’re going to give me those diamonds even if it costs you your life.” His rage was targeted and his eyes empty. He stood tall, his shadow draping the wall.
“Diamonds, Mr. Ward? You mean the diamonds that you stole from Louigi Vasquez and his boys during a certain high stakes game of poker? You see, I know a little more about you than you think. However where you got the goods and from whom, I’d say, are the least of your problems. I think you should be more concerned with that entourage of very pissed off gentlemen surrounding your home with big shiny guns and baseball bats, who I bet are just itching to take back what you stole from 
them. The most interesting part of the equation is that all of your guard dogs are asleep and you’re unprotected — without your precious diamonds, I might add. You’d better think quick, old man. You haven’t much time.”
When the first round of bullets crashed through the glass of the office window, I knew it was my time to escape. My plan was merely set in motion. It wasn’t quite over yet.
The Get-Away
Three days later I woke up early to meet Jimmy at the Banaba Boat for another 80 proof cocktail. He brought with him a most entertaining front 
page newspaper article whose title read: FRONT RUNNER CRIME LORD FATALLY SHOT IN HOME; NO SURVIVORS/NO SUSPECTS.
Although we laughed at the fact of Mr. Deonatello Ward finally getting a taste of his own medicine, no doubt jeopordizing the lives of his knights of the roundtable, we found more humor, as well as solace in knowing Louigi Vasquez and his gang will never find out what happened to the ice.
Jimmy actually came through in the end. He always said that I was the smartest, most capable person he knew, and that he could trust me with anything. Even his life.
The End
In the end, I learned that even though our friendship had its rough moments, the 50% split Jimmy offered me for the diamonds more than made up for the heat. $75 million never looked so good. I guess sometimes it pays off to hang with the wrong people for the right reasons. And thus ladies and gentlemen, concludes a day in the life in the hills of Hottywood.
Categorized in Humor, Sex and Uncategorized
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They say only time will tell what the future holds. I say rubbish! Hottywood can tell you that.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
This could be a make or break deal. Either way, you attract more bees than flies to honey; so don’t trip.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone’s going to tell you “You aren’t worth sh*t.” Prove them wrong then give them an ultimatum: “Get with the program or duck!”
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
What you long for is an illusion. The past is not as ideal as you remember, so stop living in it. You don’t have what you once had for a reason. ___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing will piss you off more than discovering there’s no sugar to go into your kool-aid.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Alright, enough is enough. You’ve done all you can. It’s time to sit back and let someone else do all the work. Take the credit when they’re done.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You spend money like you poop on the toilet. Make sure you can handle that sh*t, with your broke ass.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You’re going to have a social gathering that no one will come to. Relax. You’ll be the life of the party.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
People will love to hear anything you have to say just as long as you’re asleep.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Follow the instincts you learned in the streets – especially in the vicinity of liquor stores, banks and strip clubs.
…oh, and maybe church. o_O
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you’re bored, find comfort in knowing everyone is bored with you, too.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Someone insists on treating you like a child. It’s time to get gully. You may have to cut a biatch!
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Watch your ego before your ass gets jumped in an alley by three one-eyed bandits with no home training.
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Quote of the Week: ”Love at first sight is a result of too much to drink.”
Categorized in Advice, Horoscopes and Humor
Tags: Children, Horoscope, Astrology, Club, Aquarius, Aries, Capricorn, Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Leo, Gemini, Taurus, Virgo, Credit, Libra, Magic, Employment, Fight, Unemployment, Stripper, Boredom, Vacation, Money, Sagittarius, alcohol, party, violence, toilet, Time, finance, plumbing, decisions, anatomy, training, bees, choices, deals, honey, flies, illusion, future, kool-aid, ghetto, instincts, intuition, bank, ego, bandit
Alter egos. Everyone has one. The other side of who you portray yourself to be to the real world. By day you are a hard working, over or underachiever; however, by night you are someone the world only knows in the darkness of shadows. A weapons toting, ass kicking somebody who takes no bullsh*t and even more, takes no prisoners!
We all have our days when we want to take over the world, fight a few villains, or even destroy the good guys in hopes that no one can thwart out dastardly plans for global domination. These are some of the thoughts we think as we sit in church and try to listen to the preacher who’s making absolutely no sense whatsoever because he can’t stick to one subject; or the supervisor who’s turning the staff meeting into a slow session of watching paint dry; or the cashier who’s overcharging all of the customers who are waiting in what seems to be the longest line ever at the grocery store.
At the best times possible, and sometimes at the very worst, our alto egos take control of our bodies and tell reality to f*ck off in the worst way — or the best. It all depends on the character you play and the tricks you have up your sleeve. So who’s your alter ego?
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James Bond – Debonair; suave; cut throat.
You will do whatever it takes to own your success and destroy your competition, while spending a pretty penny and shagging the most shaggable beauties. You are uninhibited, ruthless, clever, mysterious, and like all things that go BOOM. You are attracted to expensive price tags (which include posh clothes, fast cars and even faster women). You kick ass first and ask questions later. Everyone wants to be you and you know it. You are the type to approach all things with style and winning is your only option. You like your situations like you like your drinks: Shaken, not stirred.
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Rorschach (Watchmen) – Mysterious; clever; inquisitive.
Everything serves a purpose and you are inquisitorial enough to search for a deeper meaning. You remain neutral and are usually prematurely underestimated. Although you are the type of person that follows a set of black-and-white values that take many shapes but never mix into shades of gray, you have a colorful past that shapes who you are. You see existence as random and are free to scrawl your own design on a morally blank world. You also keep most of your business to yourself and will punch the daylights out of anyone who crosses you unnecessarily, especially if it means getting to the bottom line. You are one to beware of. ___________________________________________________________
Spiderman – Underestimated; innocently cocky; intuitive.
You are a typical person who fights a battle for good and are aware that with great power comes great responsibility. You’re a slight pushover. Generally you are the type of person that deals with your own personal struggles, just like the common man, however you put your problems to the side to carry the load of every one else. Though you are an aid for the world around you, you strive to figure out your own self-worth. You would much rather avoid a fight, but are more capable of beating the living sh*t out of your opponent than anyone realizes.
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Wonder Woman – Noble; undeniably sexy; feminine.
You are a princess – the type of person who fights for a just cause. You are honorable, fair and believe in equal justice for all. You are true to yourself and your heritage and are certain that a woman can do anything just as well as any man. Dressed in your finest Victoria’s Secrets, you are also undeniably sexy, feminine and can throw a mean left hook! Be cautious of your competition because there are many who would love to be just like you, even if it means taking you out to gain control of your crown. ___________________________________________________________
Catwoman – Cunning; conniving; bitching; untamed.
You are seemingly shy without your mask, however by night you are nothing but. You walk a thin line between good and evil and use your feminine wilds to gain control over the weakness of men. You love animals and have a soft spot for the defense of them. You will do whatever is necessary to get what you want and take down anyone who stands in your way. You have a smart ass mouth, a killer body, an overwhelming sense of self confidence and always rock a bad ass pair of 6” stilettos. You do not take orders or play well with others. You also have the ability to smell bullsh*t a mile away.
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Xena the Warrior Princess – Sexual; butch; manipulative.
You are on a quest to seek redemption for your past sins as a ruthless skank. You stand for all things good, but you will rip a mutha-effer to shreds who opposes you. You are sexual, controlling, defensive, smug and never underestimated! Some people run from you, others are intrigued by you, yet you are phased by nothing or anyone. You’re versatile, multi-talented, open minded and very dark. Your past shapes who you are and condemns you at the same time. Either way, you are definitely not to be f*cked with. You are one baaaad bitch! And it hurts all so good.
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It doesn’t take much imagination to embrace your alter ego. All it takes is a little effort. And 90% of any effort is getting started!___________________________________________________________
Quote of the week: “We’ve always been ready for female superheroes. Because women want to be them and men want to do them.”
Categorized in Advice, Humor and Uncategorized
Tags: Humor, Entertainment, People, Sex, Food, Interior Design, Animals, Colors, Fighting, Weapons, Mystery, Blog, Sexuality, guns, Defense, Power, Moods, evil, fantasy, theater, personality, Alter ego, world, world domination, villains, bullets, superhero, wonder woman, catwoman, xena, 007, agents, spy, James Bond, Spiderman, Xena the Warrior Princess, Watchmen, lasso, shadows, imagination, paint, grocery store, reality, character, suave, debonair, explosion, beauty, Rorschach, clever, inquisitive, detectives, private eyes, Peter Parker, innocent, supernatural, superhuman, justice, America, noble, femininity, Victoria's Secret, cunning, conniving, good, cat, PETA, stilettos, senses, redemption
Are you tired of going on one bad date after another? Has your best friend set you up with someone who’s below your standards? Did you finally get the telephone number of the hot chick in your church who turns out to be dumber than a door knob? Well now’s your chance to rest easy because you’re not alone. It’s time to stand up for your rights and fight back with a few easy quick steps to sabotage a bad date disgracefully. It’s a very short list, but it’s not only easy, it’s fun! The look on your date’s face when you purposely act like a moron to make them uninterested in you is priceless!
Listen carefully. These tips take careful planning and coordination, but are worth every effort.
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Conveniently leave home without any money. Just be prepared to wash an ass-load of dishes, or make a break for it! If you really want to make a bad impression, make a scene that you’re cheap and put the blame on your date. __________________________________________________________
Speak only in rhyme like a rap star. Be sure to use animated sound effects and boisterous hand gestures. Offensive language and stereotypes are a must! This routine will be most effective if you are in a family-oriented establishment. End each verse with, “You know what I’m sayin’ Gee?” and grab your crotch obsessively. Make your stage-left exit before the cops arrive.
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Fellas, when speaking to your date, never use any direct eye contact. In fact, just cover your eyes completely while screaming, “Medusa!” If you really want to stir things up, toss your drink in her face. Oh what the heck, toss everyone’s drink in her face!
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Each time your date attempts to speak, interrupt them with useless facts about cheese. Be as annoying and rude as possible. But beware, your date may just like cheese. If so, fart loudly and fan the smell with your restaurant menu. Do not smile when doing so.
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Have your wife call during dessert. This will raise more questions than a little bit. To be a top-notch jack ass, invite her along and compare your wife to your date. Don’t compliment either your wife or your date and refer to yourself only in third person. Once your date finishes pinching herself in disbelief, insist that she owes you money for her half of the meal and a partial payment for your wife’s meal. __________________________________________________________
Pick your nose a lot. To ensure that no one misses what you are doing, be sure to announce each time you’ve felt a booger and show it to the disgusted audience.
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Stuff all of your food into your mouth at once and whistle the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show.
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Compliment your date’s legs – from underneath the table. Be sure to pack a hockey mask as this usually ends with a swift kick to the nose.
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Remove the top half of your clothes until your nipples are completely exposed. It won’t matter if your date walks out on you because nine times out of ten you’re going to leave with someone else anyway.
Once you’re done with the newbie, you may want to consider repenting for your sins.
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Sneeze on your date’s food and then ask, “Are you gonna eat that?” The more moist the sneeze, the better. Oh, and don’t forget to leave your manners at home!
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Getting someone to lose interest in you is not that difficult actually, especially if you’re still on 1st date status; that is unless your date is a psychopath, a total Grade F, or someone so desperate for attention that no matter what you do, it’s all good. Even if you’ve fallen into a trap of dating one of the types listed above, it’s not impossible to come up with a quick crash and burn. All it takes is a little more effort to be even more annoying. And afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started.
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Quote of the week: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no sense being a damn fool about it.”
Categorized in Advice, Humor and Relationships
Tags: Advice, anatomy, animation, blind date, Blog, Cell Phone, cheese, Church, Cold, Comedy, Dating, demons, Design, dessert, Diana Ross, Education, Entertainment, facts, finance, Finances, Food, greek myth, Help, Humor, information, interior decorating, Knowledge, Lil Kim, list, Love, lovers, Man, marriage, Medusa, Men, mice, Money, monsters, moron, Music, mythology, nipples, noise, People, Rants, rap star, Relationship, restaurants, reviews, Sabotage, seasons, Shopping, Silly, snakes, sound effects, stupid, Style, vows, Weather, Woman, Women
I am about to ask the age old question, “Why do people wear sunglasses at night?” Is it me or is that an oxymoron? It could be that only morons do it, but before I pass judgment, let’s give it a small thought and try to analyze the sense of this senseless fashion faux pas.
Once upon a time, arguably in the early 80’s during the height of the hit release, “Sunglasses at Night” (Canadian song-writer Corey Hart) it seemed only celebrities donned camera fronts, red carpets, and club venues with their eyes covered in fashionable eyewear in the wee hours of the night. However now-a-days it appears everyone has fallen prey to this stylish misstep. Logically, it makes no sense.
Wearing sunshades at night should be a crime. It isn’t hip. It isn’t safe and it suggests you have something to hide. Not to mention, it doesn’t protect you 
from walking into walls. Though imbecilic as this may sound, you’d be surprised to know that this trend is just as popular with the older generation as it is with the younger generation, obviously for different reasons, of course.
For teens and young adults, doing the whole sunglasses-at-night thing is all about image and style. It’s about looking cool and making a statement. But if you ask me, if they’re not P. Diddy, the only statement they’re making is, “I look dumb.”
On the other hand, most old geezers who are ophthalmology patients find that wearing sunglasses at night — ones with a slight tint as opposed to deep black lenses — can cut down on the unpleasant glare that comes from headlights and streetlights. This only makes sense if they’re playing in traffic or swinging like monkeys from a streetlamp. However old people have earned their right to do whatever the hell they want and not give a damn about what 
anyone thinks. So if they want to be stupid and knock over their denture cups or play in traffic and run the risk of getting hit by an oncoming truck, let ‘em! Wisdom comes from our elders, so they must know something us younger folk don’t. There’s a lot to be learned from them, just don’t soak up this fashion-DON’T – your life could depend on it.
Whatever the reason, even in the name of fashion, I wouldn’t suggest wearing shades at night, or indoors, for that matter. You have a lot to lose. For example, your sense of style and possibly your reputation for ‘frontin’ like you a Gee, homie.
I hereby cast my vote to lock anyone walking the streets or driving a car after the sun has laid its head to rest, in a dark room for three days and feed them nothing but the crumbs of week-old bread while forcing them to watch the full run of Little House on the Prairie. If that doesn’t teach them, nothing will.
As we come to a close, I should take this opportunity to inform you of the only few reasons why covering your eyes at night would be acceptable:
- You’re a drunk or a pothead and you need to cover your red ass eyes;
- You need to protect your ego because someone has just inflicted a scathing insult to your dumb ass for wearing sunshades when there’s no sunlight to block;
- You’re a pirate who forgot your eye patch in your other bootleg; or
- You’re a spy.
All jokes aside folks, take off those stupid glasses. If you have something to hide, trust me, you’ll drop your bomb in other ways. But not as easily if you practice. It all begins with removing the shades. It just takes a little effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started.
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Quote of the week: “Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”
Categorized in Advice, Fashion and Humor
Tags: Animals, city life, Club, Comedy, Corey Hart, decorating, dining, Dogs, drivers, driving, Education, elderly, Entertainment, eyewear, family tree, Fashion, fashion faux pas, field, generation, happiness, home, Interior Design, laughter, lense, Little House on the Prarie, Man, Medical, Medicine, Michael Landon, moron, NASCAR, night, night life, ophthalmology, P. Diddy, party, patient, People, Pets, pirate, racing, red carpet, streets, stupid, Stupidity, Style, sunglasses, Sunglasses at Night, trends, truck, vote, voting, wisdom, Woman, X-Men
If you would’ve come to Hottywood first for the answers, you could’ve avoided that boisterous ass eruption during dinner with your honey’s folks. Never fear. I can see in my crystal ball that your week will be a little better than last week’s fiasco. But I wouldn’t do any cartwheels if I were you. It won’t be better by much.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get rid of the ring around your bath tub. This is a good week for shopping as all of your clothes probably have the residue of yesterday’s scent.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will have tourette syndrome of dandruff scratching. This is the perfect time to pamper yourself because no one else will want to be near you.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Listen to your nipples’ warning. They will itch intensely each time someone lies to you.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your personality is more fake than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. People will like you for who you are once you stop pretending to be someone you’re not.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will miss all of your most important phone calls because you won’t be able to get your sh*tty ass off the porcelain pot.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The most thought-provoking piece of literature you’ll read this week will be The National Inquirer…and even still, that’ll only be for the pictures. Dumbass.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
This is an off week. Stay away from hookers and 5 o’clock shadows. …and if you happen to be a hooker with a 5 o’clock shadow, you’re in a world of trouble. Especially if you’re a woman with a beard thicker than your pimp’s.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Sit your ass down and stop stealing the spotlight. You’re doing way too much and no one cares. Go hibernate in a cave like a bear.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
All of your fried chicken will taste like captain crunch cereal and spoiled milk.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Being two-faced won’t keep your ass from getting kicked.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Do the world a favor and shut the hell up. There are more people not interested in what you have to say than you think.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Someone’s watching you, but don’t get too excited. They only notice you when you make an ass of yourself.
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Quote of the Week: “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.”
Categorized in Advice, Horoscopes and Humor
Tags: Questions, Fashion, Style, Children, People, Men, Women, Food, Fast Food, Astrology, Aquarius, Aries, Capricorn, Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Leo, Gemini, Taurus, Virgo, Man, Woman, Pets, Fear, Libra, Magic, Animals, Denim, Trousers, Shopping, Babies, Ass, Horror, Vacation, Christmas, Chicken, Sagittarius, hair, Perfume, Cologne, literature, stupid, favor, Cow, Twins, Travel, plumbing, Santa Claus, debate, art, quiz, volcano, crystal ball, fantasy, disaster, hororscope, turrets syndrome, dandruff, pampers, camera, theater, rooster, visually impaired, siblings, national inquirer, literacy, prostitution, barber, spotlight, center stage, hibernate, hibernation, bear, milk, cereal, dog, lucky, conversation, issues, ignorant, dumb
So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell. However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 
