Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 9-13, 2010
Did all of the toilet paper run out at the worst possible time??? Well, you could’ve avoided that catastrophe if only you had come to Hottywood for a few answers! Never fear. It’s not too late.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Wearing last Sunday’s underwear this Tuesday will bring you bad luck on the day after tomorrow.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Two bitches are going to fight over you today. Stay away from whores named Luck & Karma.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
All of your socks will have holes at the bottom from where the stench burned through. This is a good week to start bathing in ammonia.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
When things can’t get any worse, your level of luck will be at its highest low peak.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A baseball bat will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Watch your back.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
There are two sides to every story; yours and the truth.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The best compliment you can offer somebody is to leave the room.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
People aren’t telling you to “…shut up,” b/c it sounds good. Either your breath stinks or you talk too much.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If your armpit hair is shedding like cat fur, something’s wrong.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Mooning a clergyman is your bargaining chip to get into heaven.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are smart enough to know that no one is stupid enough to believe you’re as smart as you want everyone to think.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t worry. Being an idiot is only a bad thing when you say it out loud.
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Quote of the Week: “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”
