Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Wearing last Sunday’s underwear this Tuesday will bring you bad luck on the day after tomorrow.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Two bitches are going to fight over you today.  Stay away from whores named Luck & Karma.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

All of your socks will have holes at the bottom from where the stench burned through. This is a good week to start bathing in ammonia.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

When things can’t get any worse, your level of luck will be at its highest low peak.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

A baseball bat will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Watch your back.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

There are two sides to every story; yours and the truth.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The best compliment you can offer somebody is to leave the room.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People aren’t telling you to “…shut up,” b/c it sounds good. Either your breath stinks or you talk too much.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If your armpit hair is shedding like cat fur, something’s wrong.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Mooning a clergyman is your bargaining chip to get into heaven.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are smart enough to know that no one is stupid enough to believe you’re as smart as you want everyone to think.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t worry. Being an idiot is only a bad thing when you say it out loud.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  

__________________________________________________________

If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  

__________________________________________________________

Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  

__________________________________________________________

Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.

__________________________________________________________

It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  

__________________________________________________________

It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  

__________________________________________________________

There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  

__________________________________________________________

If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

__________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back?  Wait.  Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now?  How do you deal?  Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone?  Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars?  The answers are never easily revealed.  For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart.  

Some people believe in second chances.  Some believe in fate.  Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those people are silly.  The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time.  And those people are right.  Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about you.  That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit.  There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first.  In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated.  Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again.  If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 

Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh.  Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone.  You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing.  Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for.  This is your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon!  The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before.  You don’t need justification.  You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are.  It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 

___________________________________________________________

Life has a funny little way of telling you some good sh*t.  You just have to be open to listening to what it has to say.

___________________________________________________________

Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.”  Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine.  Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze.   Get the last laugh.  Laugh long and laugh loud! 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.” 

Every now and then, you may get lucky enough [enter sarcasm here] to sit down and have a glass of sexual harassment with your meal.  Never mind silly little things like germs, the common cold and oh, I dunno — swine flu!  These days, waiters and waitresses are serving more than biscuits.  They are serving lap dances!  Sure, this may be fun if you’re a middle-aged man or woman with little to no sex life, or a young sleaze or skank who wants nothing more than to be groped by a stranger wearing only an apron.   However to the common restaurant goer, water and bread will suffice.  And we’re not talking dollar bills and body juices.  

Most people can get beyond a little bad service.  To some degree it’s acceptable to keep your guests waiting for 30 minutes or serve cold food or completely screw up an order…maybe even undercook your food until it’s practically raw.  But when you think of the number of people your host has touched in a span of about four to six hours, things begin to get a little dicey.  The germs that they’ve picked up from the backs they’ve rubbed or the hands they’ve shaken or the dollar bills they’ve collected in tips have settled onto your plate, silverware, napkins, straws and glasses, leaving you contaminated with someone else’s pervert juice.  Let’s face it, now-a-days it’s probably safer to just walk into a restaurant wearing a full body condom.  Though it may not be the nicest thing one can say to a host or hostess, when they ask if there’s anything they can get you, your best bet is probably to reply to them, “You can get the hell away from me!”  But who wants to be rude?  Just refuse to eat the food or drink the beverages.  In fact, ask them to point you in the direction of the nearest faucet and you can drink the water straight from the tap.  It’s probably more sanitary, anyway.

After giving it a little bit of thought, the servers are the forefronts of the restaurant itself.  They are the faces of the company.  Having said that, what the hell is going on behind the scenes?  Are the chefs sweating in our food?  Are they spitting on our sourdough?  Are they sneezing in our salad?  What are all those eleven herbs and spices, anyway?   Who does a guy have to screw to get some answers around here?  Well, I take that back considering that most of the restaurants in our pop culture today are fast-food f*ck-fests.

If you ask me, you’d do better just keeping your ass at home.  At least there, the germs you put in your food are your own. 

So the next time you go to your friendly neighborhood mockery eatery, be sure you equip yourself with enough sanitizer to kill all the germs that share the same breathing space as you.  I wouldn’t rule out metal armor, but that could be more trouble than it’s worth, depending on how you look at it.  It could be beneficial to cloak yourself with medieval armor if you put forth enough effort.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

___________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke alarm as a timer.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple.  They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You are your own boss.  You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Anyone who lies for you will lie to you.  And that’s no lie. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Someone will confide in you.  The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.” 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”

Dear Traffic, 

It’s time we had a little chat.  I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone sitting down to tell you exactly how much bullsh*t you’re worth.  You are evil and rude and vindictive and I personally don’t like it. 

As I sat in my car, singing out of tune at the top of my voice to that song I hate so much, but can’t help singing because I’ve heard it a dozen times (with all the cars on the road being at a complete stand still and all), I had time to think of what I’d say to you if I ever caught your ass alone on the street — off duty.  

You’d better be lucky I can’t physically put my hands on you, because if I could the convo would go something like this; I’d start off by grabbing you by the collar and looking you dead in the eye, in fact, I’d look in both your eyes with only one of mine, kind of like a pirate [for the intimidation effect] and say: 

“Damn you!  Damn you, Traffic, for the loud horns and the inconsiderate school kids sticking out their tongues and giving me the middle finger as they scurry back and forth in front of my car.  Where’s a safety patrol when you need one?  Damn you for making me miss my doctor’s appointments, staff meetings and one hour sales.  Curses for making me miss happy hour by 15 minutes!  I blame unneeded construction on you.  I blame potholes on you.  I blame broken traffic signals, slow walking old people and suicidal stray cats all on you.  It’s your fault, Traffic.  Do you hear me???”  

At this point you’d probably give me a blank stare, kind of like you’re doing now, with an irritating smirk on your face, followed by a weak laugh — almost as if to ask, “What are you going to do about it?”  Oh, but I’ll tell you what I’d do about it.  I’d tie you down with duct tape and toss your ass in the middle of the train tracks with two speeding steam locomotives coming at you from both directions.  I’m not sure if I’d wait for the collision or not, but I am pretty positive that I’d find great pleasure in your panic.  The same panic that I feel as I dash through my office doors, hoping my supervisor doesn’t catch me; the same panic that I feel as I try to sneak into the church sanctuary without being called out by the minister; the very same panic I feel when I’m late picking up the kids from day-care, and the day-care teacher has a hot date…the first one in like, forever!  

You see, Traffic, if we could only compromise a little bit, then I wouldn’t have to track you down like a hunter during duck-hunting season.  All you need to do is fix it so that all the green lights remain green until I’ve passed.  Oh, and maybe keep a giant umbrella over my car when it rains.  Because you know as well as I do that people in the city can’t drive in the rain…or the snow…or at night…or…well you get my point.  

So if you don’t want your ass beat, then I suggest you rethink your routine and give it a rest, already.  Stick your nose in the business of morning and evening mayhem only when I’m nowhere to be found on the streets.  All it takes is a little effort.  And a wise man once said 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 ___________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:    “Only a fool tests deep waters with both feet.” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

___________________________________________________________

 Quote of the Week:   ”Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”

Why would you put on the most unflattering accessory you can find to draw attention to a not so charming face and an even worse haircut?  What’s worse is that most people wear these horrific accessories in closed places to make themselves stand out.  News flash, moron: you stand out alright, but only as the ass who looks like a total jack ass.    

___________________________________________________________

Why would you decide to go grocery go-cart racing in a grocery store parking lot, with the finish line being at the entrance of the lot?  One of these days, as you’re sitting in your wheelchair with two paralyzed legs, you’ll sit back and laugh at that drag race gone wrong.   

___________________________________________________________

Nothing says ‘life of the party’ like pouring a glass of beer in your nose. 

Oh yeah, I’m sure the dates will be lining up for a night on the town with you.   

___________________________________________________________

Who in the hell would allow themselves to be used as a human paint brush?  A human ball point pen maybe, but a human paint brush? 

This is one of the many mysteries of the world. 

___________________________________________________________

Why would you bother writing the reminder, “THINK” on your stomach?  Doesn’t everyone think with their stomach? 

That goes without saying.   

…Duh.

___________________________________________________________

Your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your new spouse, and of course looking great and having all the single people stab themselves with jealousy.  Why in the hell would you stuff your face like a homeless puppy, and run the risk of ruining that perfect outfit that was handed down to you from your family member who was married 6 times in the same get-up?  For your next wedding, drink more. Eat less.

___________________________________________________________

Why would you let a blind barber give you a haircut?  No matter how you spin it, that style will never catch on.  Well, maybe if someone makes walking around blindfolded popular.  

You never know what they’ll come up with these days in Hollywood, where style is concerned.     

___________________________________________________________

Why would you do number 2 in anyone’s bathroom without checking to see if there’s any toilet paper?  You can always use your socks to wipe your ass and clean off your fingers once you’ve finished writing the phrase, “Need Toilet Paper,” in shyt on the walls.  Just don’t count on being invited back to the paperless establishment. 

___________________________________________________________

What sense does it make to drive blindfolded while wearing a seatbelt??? 

There’s no point in living on the edge if you’re going to be safe about it. 

___________________________________________________________

Why would you try to use an EBT card to make an online purchase?  On second thought, you’d be surprised at the perks of living in the hood. 

___________________________________________________________

Just because the fattest coworker at your job buys you lunch every day simply to make it appear as if they have friends doesn’t mean you should agree to sleep with them to even the debt.  Maybe you should take a class in using people to avoid this type of horrifying self-reduction in the future.

___________________________________________________________

Why would you serve alcohol at a celebratory recovery party to a recovering drunk?  

This is a sure way to get a one-way ticket straight to hell.  That is unless you have friends in high — or low places.