Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here in Grandma Gertrude’s kitchen in the sight of Jesus Christ, aka, Heaven’s very own DJ JC, and in the presence of all gathered witnesses, to join these two ninjas, Shereef Cupcake Starboots and Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate, instituted by DJ JC in the time of man’s innocence (at least all the shit we don’t know), signifying to us this mystical union of one reformed whore and pimp.

This union is not to be entered into lightly or inadvisably, but rather reverently, discreetly, and in the fear of the neighborhood police, Pookie and the Loan Sharks, and God. Into which holy estate Shereef and Dequan come now to be joined and to unite two hearts and lives and cookie jars filled with stolen liquor store money, blending all interest, sympathies, hopes and brass knuckles. I charge and entreat you, therefore, in entering upon and sustaining this hallowed union, to seek the favor and blessing of Him whose favor is life, whose blessing maketh rich and addeth no sorrow. Let us now seek His blessing. 

Please bow your heads but hold your purses and wallets tightly. We don’t trust anyone in this neighborhood when our eyes are closed.  

Dear Heavenly Father, we beseech Thee to come by Thy grace to this marriage. Give to these who marry a due sense of the obligations they are now to assume, so that with true intent, and with utter unreserve of love, or love of the baby that Ms. Shereef has growing inside of her since the pajama party at Lil Ray Ray’s bachelor pad seven months ago, that they may plight their troth, and be henceforth helps, meet for each other while they journey through life, as long as Dequan isn’t punching Shereef in the mouth for not bringing home all of the hump money. This we ask in DJ JC’s name. Amen. 

Who gives this ho, Shereef Cupcake Starboots , in Holyish Matrimony to Pimp Daddy Dequan? 

Father of the Bride:      

I do, your highness. Darnell Motherflanker. 

Pastor Hottywood:        

I charge you both as you stand in the presence of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voice that only speaks to me when no one is looking, to remember that true love, loyalty and the amount of cash you trade for sex with strangers, will avail as the foundation of a happy home. If the solemn vows you are about to make be kept inviolate, and if you steadfastly endeavor to do the will of your heavenly Father, your lives will be full of joy, and the home you are about to establish will abide in peace, so long as you not fall behind on your rent. 

No other human ties are more tender, no other vows are more sacred than those you are about to assume, except those of Dequan’s other two wives. You are entering into the holy estate which is the deepest mystery of experience, and which is the very sacrament of divine forced emotion from an unplanned pregnancy. 

Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III, will you have Shereef Cupcake Starboots to be your awfully wedded wife, to live together on weekends after DJ JC’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you love her, comfort her, not beat her regularly, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health so long as you don’t catch what she’s got, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her unless someone comes along with a price tag large enough to change your mind, so long as you both shall live? 

Dequan:                       

 I guess so. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef Cupcake Starboots, will you have Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III to be your awful husband to live together on weekends after DJ JC’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you submit to him, serve him, service him and all his pals, honor, and keep him, in sickness and in health and promise not to spread your legs or germs to any other man whose credit Dequan does not check first, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him, until he pimps you out and forces you to contradict the lyrics of these vows so long as you both shall live? 

Shereef:                       

Fuck yeah! 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, what pledge do you give of the sincerity of your vows? 

Dequan:                       

The same ring I gave to my first and second wife. They’re standing over by the refrigerator. Hey ya’ll!  

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef, do you accept this ring as a pledge of the sincerity of Dequan’s vows? 

Shereef:                       

I better or else he’ll kick my ass.  Sike, yeah I do. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, repeat after me: With this ring I thee wed. And with all my worldly goods, including the candy I stole from your sister’s baby last week, I thee endow. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voice that speaks to Pastor Hottywood when no is around. AMEN. 

Dequan:                       

“With this ring I thee wed. And with all my worldly goods, including the candy I stole from your sister’s baby last week, I thee endow. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voices that speaks to Pastor Hottywood when no is around. AMEN.” 

Pastor Hottywood:      

And may this circlet of pure gold-plate which has no end, be henceforth the chaste and changeless symbol of your evermore impure and changeless affection, the same as it was to the other hoes you married and never divorced. 

Shereef, what pledge do you give of the sincerity of your vows? 

Shereef:                       

A rolex watch that I ordered from the back of a comic book. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, do you accept this fake ass watch as a pledge of the sincerity of Shereef’s vows? 

Dequan:                       

I guess. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef, repeat after me:  This watch I give you is a token and pledge of my sometimes constant faithfulness and ownership of half of everything that you earn and steal. AMEN. 

Shereef:                       

“This watch I give you is a token and pledge of my sometimes constant faithfulness and ownership of half of everything that you earn and steal. AMEN.” 

Pastor Hottywood:      

May these symbols given be the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites your two hearts in loveless lust that has no end. Forasmuch as Shereef and Dequan have consented in unholy wedlock, and have thereto confirmed the same by giving and receiving each one a fake ring and watch; by the power vested in me as minister of Mount Mattress Bedside Holy Tabernacle, I now declare you husband and wife.  You may now remove your gum and kiss the bride!  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the President and First…ahem…Third lady of the project’s hoe stroll, Mr. and Mrs. Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III. 

A good friend of mine finds herself comfortable enough to tell me all the details of her personal life with her boyfriend. What she doesn’t know is that I used to be attracted to her myself, which is why I once found it difficult to stomach her intimate stories. Now that I’ve accepted the fact that she and I will never share an intimate relationship of our own, I’m finding it more and more difficult to listen to her rant about her man. How can I tell her to stop without hurting her feelings or damaging our friendship?  

~Mr. All Choked Up

Dear Mr. All Choked Up, 

I have to warn you that telling anyone [especially a woman who is stuck in her emotions] to stop doing anything they feel comfortable doing never goes over well. Before you can fathom doing anything at all, you should slap yourself on the forehead for allowing her to grab you by the balls and pulling you into her girl talk. What’d you expect? 

It’s common knowledge that when men discuss the intimacies of their relationships, the conversation is usually revolved around locker room brag chat or smash points accumulation. When women discuss the intimacies of their relationships, bragging whether to a full extent or partial, plays a key role in the purpose behind their conversation. But when a woman discusses her relationships with another man, it’s just plain pointless and often times wrong, only unless she’s seeking advice from a man’s point of view. Even still, it wears thin.  No man…hell, nobody for that matter wants to hear about the goings on of what a couple does behind closed doors, especially if they have no stories to respond with in comparison. The words, “I don’t give a f***!” comes to mind. Unfortunately because women are typically much more sensitive than men, there is no nice way to tell your girl to put a sock in it. Your options are limited, pal. Sorry. 

Option 1:

Tell her the truth – You just don’t want to hear it. Be warned that she may think you’re cold, jealous, rude, mean, inconsiderate, or unfeeling and she’ll eventually never tell you another damn thing for as long as you live. Even if you have a booger hanging out of your nose or your fly is open. In this case it’s true that the truth will set you free – free from all your listening annoyances, and quite possibly free from the friendship all together. 

Option 2:

Tune her out and imagine her naked. This rule doesn’t only apply to public speaking. Tuning out anyone is the best way to keep from freaking out, cursing out, crying out, or passing out. You may want to be careful though. If you once had feelings for this mamasita it wouldn’t be surprising to get a woody while imagining her naked. If you’re standing face to face with her, speaking with your head instead of your mouth stands to get you in a lot more trouble than it’s worth. She may feel uncomfortable talking to you any more because she’ll view you as a spotted horny toad. She’ll think you want to bone her. And if she’s as hung up on her man as you imply, she’ll tell him about your boner and he’ll no doubt be on the hunt to whoop your ass the first chance he gets. 

Option 3:

Always have a story that will outdo hers even if you have to make it up. This may or may not work. Women find it exhilarating to discuss the behavior of other women. They’ll even take your actions and reactions to the stories you tell and use them against you. Option #3 could paint a negative and/or positive image of you in your girl’s eyes. Your stories may either annoy her or drive her to revel in the delight of her own relationship even more. It’s usually a 50/50 chance when trying to outdo a woman in a discussion over matters of the heart. I would only suggest using Option #3 if she breaks up with her boyfriend. Once she’s single the last thing she’s going to want to do is listen to the summaries of your hookups because it’ll remind her of just how single she is. Sadly though, she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how you feel about listening to her pleasurable details. Is this a double standard? Yes. But what can you do? You’re a man. You’re supposed to be able to handle it. 

Option 4:

Dive head first into a 16oz bottle of Deer Park water and drown yourself. The good news about this option is that when it’s all said and done you’ll be dead so you won’t have to explain the reason behind your suicide and you’ll no longer be around to hear ol’ girl talk about her relationship. It’s a win/win! 

Hottywood

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s more frustrating to lose your keys than it is to lose your mind because most people that lose their mind don’t know it’s gone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A stupid smart person will accidentally ruin one of your dumb plans on purpose.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are a handful of actual rocket scientists in the world. You are not one of them.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The next time someone starts a sentence with, “The least you can do,” in an effort to reprimand you, stop them in their tracks and remind them that the least you can do is nothing.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Taking a course that teaches you how to skip work/school/church sounds like an easy “A” except for the “F” you get just for showing up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Spandex is the devil for anyone that can’t say “No” to potato chip-filled cupcakes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a bald headed street cleaner accidentally throws you into a giant trash dumpster, that should tell you something.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

In the last hour of your work day, all the hair around your private parts will either turn gray or fall out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Why wait until tomorrow to do what you ought to be doing today when you have all next week to avoid it?

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is always at least one goat mixed in with every herd of sheep. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You won’t be able to resist the temptation of blurting out “Ghostbusters!” when a police sergeant asks you, “Who you gonna call?” after you’ve been booked for drunk driving.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can’t be better than everybody if you’re just like everybody else.

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Quote of the week:    “Every cow needs his tail more than once.”

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wishing to be your own boss could wind up with you switching bodies with your supervisor. And everyone wants to beat him up in the parking lot.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you don’t believe lessons are learned the hard way, cross the street without looking both ways first.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Whether you cash your checks at a bank or a liquor store, money still spends the same.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Just because someone gives you gifts don’t mean they care. They’re just paying you in advance for a favor they’re going to ask of you later. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Throwing a drink in someone’s face in a night club or restaurant does not make you classless. Wasting booze makes you classless.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If a blind panhandler compliments your outfit after you’ve given him $.50, you’ve been screwed.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sometimes it’s better to out snob the snob rather than clobber the clod.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Be careful about putting too much trust in someone that wants what you have.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If the hair on your tongue is long enough to braid you’re probably single and will be for a very long time.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Four little words hold power great enough to determine the outcome of your week: “bra straps” and “tube socks.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The key to financial success rests behind a ski mask and a convenient store cash register.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be stuck in a 24 hour time loop of the exact moment you took your first bowel movement of the day. 

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Quote of the week:    “‘What goes up must come down,’” is probably not a cliché a man wants to say or a woman wants to hear before or during the process of getting laid.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Being loud and wrong doesn’t make you right. It just lets everyone around you know you’re proud of not knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your day will get interesting when you run into a woman on the train who doesn’t/didn’t/won’t bother to kill a horse before gluing it onto her scalp.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t be too dumb to learn there are some things worth knowing that can not be taught.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone that thinks you think you know everything doesn’t think you think they know anything except for the foolery they think you think they think.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If you appreciate poetry written on a gas station bathroom wall you probably shouldn’t write for Hallmark unless Booty Call Week becomes a national holiday. Still, one can dream.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You haven’t lived until you’ve died inside a fortune cookie factory.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No,” although that probably won’t happen until the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual light.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can kill two birds with one stone by calling a carry out delivery man instead of an exterminator.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A smart mouse looks for new cheese when the cat’s away. An even smarter mouse knows the cat isn’t going anywhere but to the litter box. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A watched witch always manages to have one flour lump too many in the cauldron gravy.

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Quote of the week:   “Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.”

My roommate is lazy, greedy and messy. He doesn’t cook, clean or buy groceries. I can’t afford to put him out but I’m coming dangerously close to slipping an eviction notice under his bedroom door. Any advice on what I should do? 

~Chazz 

Dear Chazz, 

Some would josh you and refer to your troubling inquiry as a perfect reason to live by yourself. Since those persons are nothing more than nosey jackasses that hold no rights over your affairs, I am going to join you in raising my voice to tell those meddling folks to mind their own damn business.  

Before you do anything or nothing else at all you have to sit down with your roommate and tell him just how trifling he is. After and only after you’ve voiced your concerns should you take dirty matters into your own hands and force to him to live within the confines of your expectations.  

The first thing you want to do is stock your cupboards with nothing but cornflakes. Doing so will save you loads of money in groceries and will undoubtedly knock off any unnecessary weight gained from winter seasons or stress eating. You’d be surprised at the number of ways there are to prepare cornflakes.  Whether baked, fried, sautéed, or barbequed, I guarantee your roommate will think you’ve either lost your job or your mind.  If you’re not big on cornflakes, a second option would be to replace all of the meat in the house with parakeet treats.  Unless your roommate is a giant greedy bird, guilt, anger, frustration or starvation will compel him to pick up the slack with the groceries, even if that means buying and cooking only his own food and leaving you to fend for yourself. 

Since he refuses to clean up, you may have to remind him why it is important to do so. I always say “I can show you better than I can tell you,” and that’s exactly the advice I’m extending to you today. When he’s out of the house doing whatever it is he does while you’re doing all of the things he doesn’t do at home, scoop a stray cat up from the streets and rub its hair all over your roomie’s pillows. This act will hold more weight if he’s allergic to cats. In fact take it a step further and rub the cat against everything in the house except for whatever is in your room. Your roommate will have no other choice but to clean up the entire house or die from the allergy attacks. 

No shared living arrangement is as easy as television makes it look. Sometimes feeling comfortable in the home you share with another requires a little effort. Luckily for you and anyone trapped in a situation similar to yours 90% of any effort is getting started. And if that’s not enough there’s always solace in knowing Hottywood Helps!

Dequan, a 6^th grade student at Waldon Woods Elementary School, like many children his age, enjoys spending time with his family. He has a passion for sports that is further exceeded by his desire to greet that passion head on, which is what makes his story such a remarkable one.  Like many young boys Dequan dreams of one day making a name for himself in the sports arena. Unlike many with the same dream, the one thing that separates Dequan from other common dreamers is his Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy.  

Born 3lbs 3oz and nine weeks before his expected delivery date, doctors diagnosed Dequan, one half of a set of twin boys, with spastic diplegia just before his first birthday and was expected never to walk. The news fell hard on his parents, more so when epileptic seizures complicated his condition even more.  Refusing to accept the possibility of her son’s inability to walk, mother, Kristen immediately sought orthopedic treatment from the Georgetown University Hospital, Physical Medicine and Rehab Department and HSP Pediatric Center in an effort to propitiate Dequan’s desire for mobile independency. After receiving two major surgeries, he is now able to walk with the aid of leg braces. 

Understanding the difficulty and frustration of not being able to play field sports with his peers, his school coach afforded him an opportunity to help coach the school’s [sports] team(s), broadening his knowledge [of sports] from a different angle.  Kristen saw the joy in Dequan’s eyes from the support he received from his family, friends, school and doctors and continued her struggle to seek additional aid. With her commitment came a ray of hope. Upon the recommendation of doctors, Williams was able to solicit help from members of the Staff Rehabilitation Equipment Professionals group, a leading supplier of wheelchairs in the Washington, DC area.  The group donated a loaner custom made orthopedic bike, allowing Dequan to recreationally pedal freely with his friends, strengthen his gait as an alternative means to daily physical therapy, and most impressively enter into this year’s Special Olympics of Maryland, an organization that focuses on year-round sports training and athletic competition for persons with intellectual disabilities. 

Dequan’s strength, determination and perseverance for living out his dream of being active in a sports arena, specifically his role in the Special Olympics of Maryland, has earned him a spot on the mantle as this month’s Junior Hottywood Artist! 

Albeit what sounds like a sad story has blossomed into quite the opposite on paper, the scrolls haven’t quite fully unfolded.  Knowing that the bike provided by the Staff Rehabilitation Equipment Professionals is on loan, Dequan’s family now finds itself in the middle of a tumultuous battle with an insurance agency to provide financial support of a new custom bike – one that is paid for by the family rather than borrowed from a third party source. Despite the medical experts’ documented acumen for the need for paralytic mobility, the insurance company has denied Williams’ claims multifariously on the speculated grounds that the coverage is for mere convenience rather than ennobling need. 

Not accepting “No” as an option, the arbitrate mother has since spearheaded community fundraising projects to help raise money to purchase the new bike, sans the support of the refusing insurance company.  On Sunday, April 29^th she hosted a bake sale in the Clinton, Maryland community and plans to host another one in this coming month. It is because of her industrious effort as a concerned and supportive parent that she is acknowledged as this month’s second Junior Hottywood Artist honoree.     

Kats and Kittens, please join me in a round of applause for the first time ever Mother/Son Junior Hottywood Artists, Dequan Kamari Wooten and Kristen Williams!

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The Book of Charlie Sheen 1:1 reads: “No man has ever gotten into a woman’s pants by discussing skin cancer.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is nothing scarier than sitting on a bus filled with people that pretend they don’t talk to themselves.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You might be surprised at the response a homeless man may give you for offering him your dirty underwear.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It takes twice as much energy to swing and miss than it does to swing and hit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Nothing says “I love you” like a used snot rag.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The fate of a decision you can not make alone rests in the hands of one that can not afford a lawyer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Counting to ten in a tense situation only buys you more time to react.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An upside down building is bad for business.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t pick cherries with your back to the tree.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Orange is the new black if you are either a jack-o-lantern or color blind.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Consider the consequences of pride over moral before punching the daylights out of a man that compares you to a salad dressing stain on a table cloth.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

One day the change in your pockets will be replaced with the number of pounds you’ve gained from every cupcake you’ve ever eaten.

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Quote of the week:    “What good is a pencil with no lead?”

Lately my friends (if that’s what you want to call them) have been giving me a lot of flack for going to restaurants alone.  Does that make me look pathetic?  

~Entourage 

Dear Entourage, 

Eating alone in public doesn’t make you look pathetic. It just makes you look as if you have no friends, which is only pathetic if in fact you have no friends. 

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone – especially if you have a bunch of voices in your head to keep you company. Instead of looking at the loneliness of eating at a table for one, look on the bright side. There’s more food for you; you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s unwashed hands dipping onto your plate; and you don’t have to pretend to care about a meaningless, pointless, and uninteresting conversation, which in turn gives you more time to count the number of times you chew your food. And if these aren’t enough reasons to keep your confidence up while all the partnered up peeps are staring at you dine by yourself, keep in mind that your friends may be giving you a lot of flack because they’re either too cheap or too poor to go out to eat with you. 

PS, if you need someone to go out to eat with you, just give me a call.  YOU pay and I’ll pick-pocket someone for the tip!  Deal? 

Hottywood