I’ve been trying to get the guy that lives across the courtyard to come over so we can bump uglies.  But every time I tell him what I want to do to him with my tongue, he gives me the cold brush.  What am I doing wrong?   

~Elleesha 

Dear Elleesha, 

I’m almost sorry you asked me this question because the only nice thing I can think of to tell you is that you’re coming off too strong.  If the dude isn’t trying to hit it then you probably went a little too far when you told him what you wanted to do to him with your tongue.  

Though everyone wants to take a rumble in the sack every now and again, when you go too far into detail about your skankiness or inhibition, it’s easy to wonder who else you’re relinquishing your virtue to.  You’ve painted a bad picture of yourself.  You’ve given the conclusion of the book before he could get through the foreword and introduction.  You’ve given him nothing to look forward to.  He doesn’t have to chase you because you’ve already offered yourself up.  You’ve taken the fun out of the romp.  You have objectified him the same way most women complain about men objectifying them.  It’s too late to tell you to change your approach because you’ve already subconsciously made him question your self respect and self worth.  I’m surprised you can still walk because you shot your own self in the foot.  What you need to do is let the dust settle where it may.  If the dude is turning down the yum yum, he’s either married, gay, or just not interested in you. 

If you’re still not sure about what it is you’re doing wrong, go back and re-read the second sentence of your inquiry and then give yourself three reasons why you believe he [or anyone else] should take you seriously.  

I’m going to pray for you because it sounds like the only man you need right now is Jesus!   Good luck with that. 

Hottywood

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re not cheap. You’re economical, which by coincidence happens to be codename for “cheap” for most cheap people.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You spread gossip like hoes spread their legs.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beware of anyone whose head is shaped like an uncircumcised penis.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

90% of left handed people have poor toilet manners.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Three little words will change your life forever: “Genuine Imitation Leather.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are a reincarnation of a life lived before, which means you are entitled to senior citizens discounts wherever you go.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A deadline is a green light to do more of nothing faster.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

One who claims to be his own biggest challenge has a legitimate reason to look rough in the morning.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The secrets you keep are no less harmful than the ones that are kept from you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Snatch a wig, save the world.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The best part about having sex in a bath tub is that you get to be clean and dirty at the same time.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s bad luck to be too early for the party in your pants.

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Quote of the week:    “Stress is a free version of diet pills.” 

Like every new year, most of us have made out a list of the dos, don’ts, whats and what nots for 2012.  If you haven’t asked yourself this question yet, here’s your chance:  What am I going do to make this year better than the last? 

Below are Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions.  My advice to you is that you come up with your own set of resolutions unless you want to be sitting where I’m going to be sitting if my ass gets caught not successfully pulling off anything on this list.  Be careful kids, these resolutions are for the expertly trained only.  Don’t try these at home.  Ah, what the hell?  Who listens to me anyway? 

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I will no longer hide all of the toilet paper from the attendees at any private or public function I attend.  This includes but is not limited to restaurants, movie theaters and church.  No matter how funny it may be at the expense of others’ humiliation and discomfort, I will, for 165 days, refrain from this vindictive and comedic way (unless I’m just completely bored and need a good laugh).  

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As tempting as the laugh may be, I will no longer add tobasco sauce to all the bottles of ketchup at the next picnic, cookout, fast food restaurant, or Granny’s Sunday dinner party.  If I haven’t mentioned where I won’t tamper with the condiments, chances are those party goers are screwed.  It’s harder than it sounds to quit anything cold turkey.

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No matter what my facial expression may say, I promise to give every stupid person approximately 15 seconds to realize just how stupid they are before I verbalize it and make them look and feel more stupid than what they are showing me.

Stupid is as stupid does. 

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I promise I will spend more time teaching my dog not to be such a bitch! 

Mailmen who show up to my door step without my checks, encyclopedia book salesmen, mother-in-laws, and Jehovah’s witnesses…BEWARE! 

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I will not be one of those people that refuses to speak their mind.  If you’re ugly, I’m going to tell you.  If you stink, I’m going to tell you.  If you deserve to be trampled by a herd of angry cattle, I’m going to tell you and then arrange it. 

Oh, and if you’re talking too much, I will respectfully tell your ass to the shut the f*ck up.  What are friends for? …maybe not that, but who asked you?  Oh yeah, I did.

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I’m going to declare a national “No Pants” day just to see how quickly the fad catches on.  I’m sure there will be a lot of buzz on the holiday circuit.  There’s no doubt on that one day, there will be an influx of salary increases, office promotions, baby conceptions, relationship breakups and sexual harassment charges. 

You all can thank me for this later…or not.  

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Adventure is the name of the game! 

I will make it a point to be more advantageous in the new year.  I just have to remember not to confuse adventure with stupidity. 

Or am I thinking too much already about how to be spontaneously adventurous? 

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I’m going to try not to beat up random people on the street for wearing white after Labor Day. 

I don’t care if that fashion rule has changed over the years, I’m old skool. 

White after Labor Day translates to blood on the pavement. 

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Last but not least, I will never cut another midget’s hair again!  I have many skills, but barbering isn’t one of them.  Besides, I’m getting too old to be running from a small [no pun intended] mob of half-haired dwarfs. 

I will instead start a rogue cat grooming service.  My neighborhood carry out releases five kittens at the end of the third week in December.  I’m sure they’d much rather be badly shaven than served on a styrofoam plate next to a healthy portion of fried rice. 

“…Here kitty kitty kitty…”

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Quote of the week:    “You can not climb the ladder of success with both hands in your pocket.”

Company/Contact:  Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA

Salary:  Peanuts & Bubble Gum (if you’re lucky)

Closing Date:   When the damn job is filled. Duh.

The Position:  Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisors’ ass(es), jump on demand, and serve as personal jackass to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.  

Minimum Qualifications: One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that’s looking to be recognized for something…anything.  A Bachelor’s degree from a notable clown college or 1 year experience as an unfortunate milk crate eviction target.  Applicant will not speak unless spoken to, have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two sh!ts less about them.  Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum (generic) and saltine cracker crumbs.  Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently). 

Special Selection Factors:  Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work week-ends, rotating shifts and holidays as required, commanded, demanded and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.

Physical Abilities: Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time and maintain a high level of low self esteem. 

Preference:  Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say “No.”

How to Apply:  Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:

Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, 000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3^rd Floor Basement, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA  20101-0001   

NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS

*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from Pookie & ‘em at employer’s request.

*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant’s pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum not accepted).  Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of application consideration. 

Note:  If applicant has additional questions, don’t bother to ask.  Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don’t care and won’t listen.  Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.

Around the way… 

Everyone knows that getting to know your neighbors is a double-bladed sword.  The upside is that you get to have your own personal watch dogs when you’ve partied so hard that the only thing you can see are bright lights, or when you’re so tired that your eyes only see the darkness of your closed eyelids.  It’s good to have neighbors around to borrow sugar or bum a ride or to get the latest neighborhood gossip.  But in every neighborhood there is one resident that should be banned from the island of normalcy.  It’s usually the neighbor that blasts their music at 2am, or the neighbor that smokes weed all day and night, or the neighbor that peeks into your window or holds a glass against the wall for a better reception while you’re having sex, or the neighbor that steals your newspaper, or the neighbor that never speaks.  

No matter what nuisance that [particular] neighbor holds under his/her belt, in every neighborhood there is always one neighbor that you wish would move out, either by choice or by force.  If you live an apartment building, I really don’t know what to tell you.  Well I do actually, but if my neighbor gets a hold of this, he’ll know I was the one that did what I’m fighting myself not to tell you to do.  If you live in a house, a bag full of fresh hot doggy doo will almost always provide you the satisfaction of telling that single bad one in the bunch that their sh*t stinks. 

At the office… 

I could go on and on about the jerks in the office.  There’s the lady that can’t do anything by herself, or the chick that asks a ton of questions just when it’s time for the staff meeting to end, or the guy that emails or calls you about twenty times a day to explain to him the basics of a Microsoft Windows application…like how to print and save.  The truth of the matter is one will not and can not take up an occupation where they are not annoyed with their coworkers, unless of course they work for themselves out of their kitchen, attic, basement or backyard shed.  And even still there are times when one gets irritated with one’s self.  Those annoyances are to be expected.  But in every office, there is one person who is the biggest asshole out of the rest.  

He/She is the one whose work ethics, manners and/or attitude is synonymous with a truck stop bathroom commode after a bus load of people that ingested multiple numbers of #4 Taco Bell combo meals with fire hot sauce have bombarded the facilities with explosions of juicy ass gas and butt droppings.  If you happen to work at an office with this kind of butt wipe, your best bet is to quit, or rub two stones together until you spark a fire big enough to burn that coworker’s cubicle to the ground. 

At church… 

It is no secret that church is a place of reverence and worship.  It is a place of peace and communion with everyone’s main man, J. Christ.  It is a place of good music and good preaching, or a place where everyone says “Amen” no matter how bad the music or preaching is.  It is a place filled with people of like spirit and beliefs.  It is also a place where you’ll find at least one person who mocks the name of all that is holy.  In every church there is one brother or sister who spreads gossip like hoes spread their legs.  Or one deaconess that has been with the church since the laying of the first brick whose face is permanently mugged.  Or one alcoholic that comes to church only on communion Sunday for a shot of communion wine.  Or one lead singer that think his/her voice is the best thing since sliced bread, only not good enough to earn himself a recording deal with a major or minor record label.  Or one minister who’s tainted reputation overshadows the light that shines over the pulpit.  Or one usher that falls asleep on the job.  Or one kid that isn’t liked by anyone – child or adult.  

If you attend a church where one of these ones attend, just put yourself out of your misery by slicing yourself to death with the edges of your church bulletin.  If you’re going to die, the two best places to do it are church and the hospital.  Popeyes would be the next best place to die if you just had to have three choices on your list. 

At the mall… 

As if shopping isn’t a hard enough task in itself, in every mall across the country, shoppers must deal with at least one person that loads all of the sale items into their shopping cart, or one shopper that buys everything one size too small in a wasted effort to lose some much necessary weight, or one shopper that refuses to try his/her clothes on inside an actual fitting room, or one shopper that pays their final bill in nothing but dimes and nickels, or one shopper that picks up a piece of merchandise with no price tag on it, prompting the cashier to leave the register to investigate the price of the product, or one shopper who talks on their cell phone loud enough for the entire store to hear the conversation, or one serial coupon shopper.  

There really isn’t a way around the unsubtle shopper, unless of course you stick with online shopping and run the risk of someone hacking into your personal information, i.e. bank card, bank account, social security numbers, etc.  Or you can be like one of my neighbors and just rob people on the street that have what you want.  Just remember you can’t escape from karma, the police or a good ass whooping. 

If you’ve never heard the expression “there’s one in every bunch,” then I am elated to be the one to introduce it to you.  If after reading this post, you still don’t understand what the expression means, then you’re the one that needs to take your ass back to school to do a little bit more studying on comprehension.  I guess as in everything else, in every learning circle, there is one dummy that doesn’t learn a damn thing. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Stress is when you wake up screaming and suddenly realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”