The Office Idiot: Why Stupid People Get Hired & Not Fired

Raise your hand if you’re privileged enough to work with someone you deem as “stupid.”  What makes them stupid?  Is it the questions they ask that make absolutely no sense?  Is it the completely idiotic jOffice_Idiot_2okes they tell?  Is it the fact they are supposed to be the expert in their field, yet they have no idea what in the hell they are really doing?  Let’s face it – every office has one stupid person in it.  So why is it that the most qualified person for the job is the one who gets passed up or canned? 

So many of us smart people have been asking this question since we were old enough to work.  The average person would think that stupid people get hired for jobs because smart people don’t apply, but whether you work in a Fortune 500 corporation or a fast food restaurant, the answer to this question is simple.  Stupid people are hired because every office or business has a SP quota that they need to fill.  What is “SP” you ask?  Duh….STUPID PEOPLE! 

STUPID QUOTEThe SP Quota is an unwritten statement that was inducted into the widely known Equal Employment Opportunity Act of 1995.  It’s unwritten because the person who thought of it was too stupid to include it in the bill when congressed passed the EEO laws 15 years ago, either for fear of public stir or sheer stupidity.  Whatever the reason, the non-genius didn’t realize was how much of an impact this unwritten law would have on the stupid people of America. 

Stupid people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  And though they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag, they bring a certain decorum to every office.  They disguise themselves in fancy clothes and pretty smiles and usually have the best Confusedmanners, but if you look at their job performance they are nothing more than employees paid to look pretty or fill an empty desk.  These dim-witted nincompoops are not completely useless however, contrary to what you may believe.   They serve a purpose for brighter employees that includes, but are not limited to practicing insults, target practice and back-stabbing.  In a simple case scenario, an intelligent worker will ask the opinion of the brainless, take their answer and do the complete opposite, usually bringing forth a remarkable result to the initial inquiry.  Because these people are so good at being stupid, they are none the wiser to the formula that ranks their intelligence level at the bottom of the office community food chain.    In fact, the more stupid a person is, the greater their chances are to be hired. 

Let’s take a look at a few examples of some of the dumb sh*t people actually put on their resumes and explore what this person is really trying to say.  Keep in mind that none of this is made up. People really did put this bullsh*t on their resumes or job applications.

  •  It’s best for employers that I not work with people.   – Translation: I am mean, untrustworthy and will eat your lunch if you leave it in the office refrigerator. I also drink and smoke a little pot. 
  • My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.  – Translation: I don’t read books because the words are too big. 
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.   – Translation: I will be consistently late for work until the day you receive a phone call from the police or a hospital. 
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.   – Translation: There is absolutely nothing about me that will set me apart from anyone else.  I am average and ordinary and you will probably forget my name within the first week that I am hired. 

These are perfect examples of people who should be hired for a job – because they would provide the best forms of entertainment for any office. 

Office_IdiotOffice mates can throw paper clips at stupid people.  They can play pranks on them and never get caught by their employers.  They can dump all of the work they feel are too menial for them to do and then suggest that the stupid person be reprimanded when the job is incomplete or performed incorrectly.  Stupid people are the best people to insult, gossip about and lie on.  They provide comedic relief for the rest of us who really matter.  Some are stupid by nature, others by association.  No matter what level of stupid they are, they are worth having around because they will be the ones most likely to not be invited to office parties, but will be expected to clean up once the party is over. 

Be warned that most stupid people do not take the job they are applying for as seriously as they do their after-hours drinking.  Case in point, the guy in the clip below:

…so if you imply to a stupid person that they are in fact stupid, they are liable to drag you in a dark alley and beat the living sh*t out of you.  One thing a stupid person is smart about is not getting caught whooping your ass. 

So there you have it – a complete understanding of why stupid people are hired and why most are not fired.  

Having said that, I’d better grab my keys and go.  I insulted our office idiot just this morning and I’m now watching her stand very closely to my car with a brick in one hand and a match in the other.  So kids, feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  I so will. 

Until later my little Ethiopian honey-dipped sesame seeds!  Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

_____________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:     “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”

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The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff !

MorningPerson_2Morning People ~ Patooey!  We’ve all got one – the office cheerleader; the annoying person who always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed.  This is that perky man or woman who comes into your office first thing in the morning and damn near sings every word like a Disney cartoon character.  You know who talking I’m about.  That irritating person who sleeps at night with their arm attached to an espresso-filled IV machine.  As much as we try to appreciate the pep that they drop in our office like sh*t turds, we more or less would much rather take a rubber band and a letter opener and use this one-man pep squad as target practice. 

Listen to the audio clip below to be reminded just how much you hate these people. 

How the hell can one person be so happy every single morning?  I don’t care how much nookie you can get in a week, there’s nobody on the face of the planet that has that much “morning after” glow.  …well, maybe a whore or a pimp, but even they have their off days. 

StarbucksEach morning my coworker comes into my office and screams “Good morning” with a voluminous pitch that scrapes my ears like fingernails on a chalk board.  She usually follows up with this awful little dance move that no one should be allowed to do in public (it usually makes me want to hurl myself from my 3rd floor office window, head first).  I’ve done all but come to work without applying deodorant to let this woman know that I am in no way remotely interested in holding a conversation before a certain time, even post-Starbucks.  That level of pep-osity should be prohibited from use in all human being’s lives.  The only creatures that should be so happy that early are squirrels – for not getting run over by Mac trucks as they cross the expressway.   

By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself the same question I’ve asked for many a-morning.  What can we do to put an end to this overindulgent perkiness?  Well look no further because you’ve come to the right place! 

MorningPerson_1The next time your office cheerleader enters your personal space with their pom-poms shaking in the air and speaking in rhymes, I want you to take a hand-held machine gun, loaded with reusable party forks and go all Rambo on their ass!  Leave a trail of banana peels beginning at the entrance of your office building and ending at their cubicle so that each time they take a step, they’ll plummet to the floor leaving nothing but black and blue bruises along their backside.  If they still get up with a smile on their face, then this should tell you that this person is not human.  If that is case, rest assured that they have an off-switch located somewhere on their body.  If you can not find this kill-switch, hand grenades work wonders! 

You must plan the demise very carefully though, because every office cheerleader has a horse shoe lodged in the crevice of their ass for good luck.  When you least expect it, it transforms into a dagger and stabs you in the back repeatedly until blood ruins that new, expensive top you were just dying to wear to the office, spelling out the words, “Karma’s a bitch.”

Now, I’m not one to promote violence, except on any day that ends with the letter “y”, but these happy people are the enemy dressed in a “just-got-laid” smile. So if the Rambo trick, the banana peels or the hand grenades are a little too drastic for your taste, you can always install an electric fence to your office door and say it was an environmental upgrade approved by the board of directors to ensure total employee concentration.  Either that or you can simply blame it on the clean up crew who comes in after-hours when the office is closed to the general public.  Whatever you choose, a quick and painful death is the only way to stop the rise of this chipper nation. 

…death to the office cheerleader; let’s push them off a cliff!

With that said, homies and honies, it’s time for me to ring the bell because this is my stop!  Be reminded that you can stop by to check me out anytime because my door is always open.  Just know that if you make the mistake of knocking on my door or ringing my phone before 11am, I’ll cut your ass with a dull butter knife. 

Until next time my little packs of sun-dried turtle droppings.  I must bid you a fond farewell.  And remember that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

____________________________________________________ 

Quote of the week:   “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

THE DAMNED LIST: For Parents With Kids Out of Control in Public Places

 A “DAMN YOU” LIST FOR PARENTS WHO ARE AFRAID TO TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR UNRULY KIDS IN PUBLIC PLACES

 Do We Blame the Children or the Parents?  

Bad_Kid 1You’ve seen them before –unruly children that wreak havoc on us well mannered, mild-tempered people.  They infest malls, grocery stores, restaurants and apartment doorsteps like roaches.  They speak to their parents as if the parent-child relationship roles were reversed.  They scream, kick, pout, and even ignore the hands that feed them.  And what do we do as witnesses to this unprecedented site for sore eyes?  We shake our heads at the parents who are obviously unaware of or simply refuse to grab the little monsters by the collar and stir up a little discipline and respect.  Well NO MORE, I say.  Damn that!  

I know there are many folks out there who would argue that disciplining your child in public is wrong, but if you think about it, if that child is being disciplined at home, they wouldn’t act like miniature ogres in public.  It’s time that we stop blaming the children for their less than perfect behavior and shake a stick at the parents for letting their guards down and not holding up the iron rod that was once so popular back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s when our parents stood proudly for the fight of proper adolescent public behavior.  

So that we’re clear on why I blame the parents for the irrational and ill-conceived notion of letting these children run amok, here’s a list of Damn-You’s that some parents should be ashamed of:    

DAMN THE PARENTS ~ A “Damn You” list for those parents too scared to take control: 

  • Damn you, parents for being too chicken-sh*tted to whack your child on the ass when they put on the pants you should be wearing
  • Damn you for not snatching your children up by the shirt collar to let them know whose boss
  • Damn you for using your inside voice when a leather belt would so much better get the point across
  • Damn you for letting them curse at you like sailors 
  • Damn you for letting them run around the store unsupervised
  • Damn you for not putting a muzzle on them during movies at the theater 
  • Damn you for allowing them to hurl shrimp scampi at my head while I’m dining at Red Lobster 
  • Damn you for not dragging their ass inside the house when the street lights come on

Bad_Kid 3You, parents are the reason why I pinch your child while you’re not looking.  You are the reason most businesses, large and small, are prohibiting youth from entering into their respected establishments.  You are afraid (said in an antagonizing, whiny voice).  You are leery that a stranger will call the cops and cry child abuse.  

Do you want to know what I think about that?  Well even if you don’t want to know, I’m going to tell you anyway.  Because if a child can say and do whatever the hell they want to do to you, so can I!  I say you tell the police to come and take care of the little brute.  You tell them to take their handcuffs and drag the kid, kicking and screaming to the nearest cell and feed them bread and water and take away all television privileges for just two hours.  Hellooooo, it’s called scare tactics.  

Children aren’t afraid of parents anymore.  They laugh when the parental temperament elevates and go back to their little clubs and gangs and compare notes on whose parent is the most yellow-bellied.     

Well I’ve had enough, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s putting a foot down.  

Bad_Kid 2I am demanding that you put your cell phone down long enough to give your kid one good-old fashioned pop to remind them that you are the one who brought them into this world and you are the one who’ll take them out if they don’t learn some manners and respect.  I suggest that you be the one who take control before people like me do it for you.  And believe me that would be a whole new set of problems.  

If you’ve read this article to this point and still seem to be oblivious to what the hell I am talking about, take a look at the video below.  If your child exudes this kind of behavior in public and you’ve refrained from tossing him over your knee like an old church woman during 11 o’clock service at the corner store-front church, then you as a parent are at fault.  Kudos to the child for playing you like a fiddle. 

If you have one of those bad ass kids who have no better respect for their elders and uses curse words to express their inner feelings like the child displayed in this next video, then you as a parent should be beaten with a thin tree-switch.

I rest my case.  After seeing these videos, I’m sure you want to sit yourself down in a corner and either cry yourself to sleep out of guilt and shame or go home and punish your child for all the pranks they have yet to pull.  Either way, it’s time for you to take some responsibility.  You produced the sperm or the egg.  Now produce some results and teach your child to be a better adult than they are a spoiled or bad ass child. 

That’s it cats and kittens!  I think this is the point where I need to make my stage left exit.  I’m sure I’ve stepped on some toes while dotting my “I’s” and crossing my “T’s”.  So I’d better leave before a swarm of angry scardey cats, I mean parents, come after me with baseball bats and rusted pipes.  Remember, my door is always open and I courage you to stop by and visit me anytime.  Anytime before 11am that is.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass.  I promise I will. 

Until next time my little Peruvian unsalted cheese curls, and remember 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Quote of the week:     “If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/hollywood2009

A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!

More_Skinny_JeansFellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans!  To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil.  They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised!  They are the devil incarnate.  They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear. 

How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame?  Better yet, why was it inducted?  There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them.  The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE! 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass.  This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff.  There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans.  For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world.  If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets?  I think not. 

blogskinnyjeansFor the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation.  Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff.  I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support.  In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt!  Alas I am but one voice.  My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream.  I beg of you, please stop this madness.  Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor. 

I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion.  As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found.  This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense.  I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans.  Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass.  This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public.  Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word. 

ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS: 

Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please.  Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.

  1. Socks should match your pants. Easy as 1, 2, 3.
  2. Belts should match your shoes. Not every one is color blind like you.
  3. Never wear both a belt and suspenders. The combination makes you appear less confident – you big wuss.
  4. Your shoes should be clean.  Dirty shoes can ruin a nice outfit leaving you vulnerable to harsh and heavy insults.  Trust me. I’ll be the one doing the insulting!
  5. Don’t wear a short sleeve shirt in combination with a tie. Actually, never wear a short sleeve shirt period. People have the perception that short sleeve shirts are only worn by lower class people. You can wear one if you want to be a McDonald’s manager, but that’s about the only exception to the rule. 
  6. Wear the right size pants ok? This statement should be self explanatory however I am sure there is some moron out there who will overlook this very small detail.  If your pants are too long, you should be thrown into a dryer, body and all, until your clothes shrink to fit your body.  If your pants are too tight, then you are the person this whole article is all about. 
  7. Socks with Sandals. Even if you live in Maine, don’t do it – you’ll look like a schmuck and I’ll hunt you down and attack you with skunk spray.
  8. Chunky Shoes. Lose them, this is Earth, not the moon.
  9. Clashing or too many colors. Do you really want to look like a gay pride flag? Stick to complementary colors (those opposite from each other on the color wheel) or colors from the same pallet. You can find one on the web very easily by searching on Google!

With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean!   It is my solemn duty to spread the word!   

As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time.  My door is always open, except in the morning before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass!  I really will.    Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs.  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.   

Quote of the Week:    “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

The Perfect “Dear John” Letter: Kick Rocks Mother Effer!

Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!

THE PERFECT DEAR JOHN LETTER: KICK ROCKS MOTHER EFFER!

dear_john_letterI have had so many of my comrades come to me and ask me how to get rid of that special nobody who simply does not seem to take a hint very well.  “What do I do, Hottywood?” they ask.  How can I be tactful in telling my lover to kick rocks?   Well the answer is simple…there really isn’t a tactful way to tell someone to take a hike.   Now if any of you have been following my blog up to this point, you know pretty well that I am not one for sugar-coating the truth.  Having said that, why the hell should you expect anything differently with this update?  Let me answer that question for you.  You shouldn’t!  I am going to do my very best to help you get the message across that you would rather drink spoiled milk from a dying cow’s utter than to continue on in a stalled relationship.

To let your lover go, there are a few simple rules you must follow.  They are very easy to remember and do not require much effort on your part. 

  1. Be honest.  Tell your partner that the love has fizzled.  It’s easy.  They will probably try to change your mind with one last burnt dinner or one final dry ass hump.  You can do two things: take the meal or the hump and use it as fuel to aid you in your riddance of your personal wilderbeast or tell them to shove the unwarranted persistence where the sun doesn’t shine.
  2. Be brutal.  Being nice is usually pointless.  And let’s face it, it’s no fun.  Being nice in your farewell causes you to be fearful of the unknown and most likely will make you wimp out and reconsider ending the relationship, all for the sake of saving face.  Man up and think of the most horrid things you can say to stay strong.  Though your cruelty can be quite dramatic, there is always truth in your animated goodbye.  I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again, “Tears are worth a thousand points.”
  3. Dismiss the person any way you damn well please.  Most people feel more respected if they’re broken up with face-to-face.  My theory is this: if you really want your lover to kick rocks, who the hell cares whether you say it in person, over the phone, or in a letter?  Truth is, if you break up on paper, it hurts more and lasts longer.  And let’s be real, isn’t that what we’re going for here?  Chances are you’ve dropped a dozen hints and that loser of yours refused to get the message. 

In fact, I encourage you to put your final farewell in a “Dear John” letter.  You may actually be doing someone a favor by writing down what you hate most about them and mailing it to them snail mail style.  It may somehow in the long run help them to see the error of their ways and force them to get their act together for the next person that comes in their relational path. 

Dear_John_2No two “Dear John” letters will ever be the same.  They are all based on a case-by-case scenario.  So what I am going to do is give you a brief example of a perfect, harsh kiss-off that will hopefully give you an idea on how to follow the necessary three rules to regain your freedom.  Remember to be honest and be brutal.  Spare no feelings and keep a bottle of Jack Daniels on hand to celebrate once you’ve signed your signature at the end.  If you follow this pattern, I guarantee you will never be pestered by your “EX” flame again!

Dear John,

            Over the last few weeks, my happiness with you has been equivalent to sleeping on a bed of hot coal in the Sahara Desert.  My dreams have been plagued with your snooze induced image and my skin burned with your mere touch.  I’ve gone over in my mind about a dozen times how I would much rather live my life without you.  It’s not necessarily so that I would rather be alone at this time, I would just rather be with someone else…anyone other than you. 

            At night when we are making love, I close my eyes and pretend that you are that hotty that lives across the street.  But when morning comes and I smell your morning breath, I long to tie one end of my shoe strings around my neck and the other to the bed post and hurl myself over the side of the bed.  The noises I made the other night as we were making love were all fake.  In fact, I practiced the moans while you were in the bathroom freshening up for what I knew would be the last screw you’d ever have with me.  The fact that the sex was as bad as it was makes it easier for me to tell you to stick your head in the toilet and flush it. 

            I know it may come as a surprise to you that I no longer want to continue on with this relationship, but it’s only surprising because you are too blinded by your own self pity to realize that I am simply too good for you.  My distance from this relationship could not be any more obvious and because you refuse to accept the truth, I’ve decided to send a copy of this letter to all of your friends so that you will be the only person left on the planet who will believe there’s still some form of hope left between us.  No amount of desperation would ever change my mind.  I am not that hard up. 

            I apologize that I did not think of this sooner.   I do hope that this letter does not give you an incentive to swan dive off the top of a bridge, but if it does, please do not expect me to ID your body once fishermen has fished you out of the river. 

Normally I would end this letter with “Love always,” but if you don’t know by now, I’d be lying.

                                                                    [Sign your name here]

So there you have it – a simple letter that states exactly how you feel in a very harsh and brutally honest format that not even the biggest idiot could misinterpret.

I’m not even going to bother to flush out the previous paragraph.  I want it to marinate in all of its entirety.  As usual chickadees, let me thank you for stopping by and encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.

Until next time, my little stir fried skittle crumbs!   It’s time that I bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!    

 

Quote of the Week:    “Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

How to Escape the Most Common Mistakes of a New Relationship

Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!

HOW TO ESCAPE THE MOST COMMON MISTAKES OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP

I’ve lived a short but very full life.  I’ve seen people come and can’t begin to count the number people I’ve seen go.  I’ve been up.  I’ve been down.  I’ve been lied on, lied to, deceived, trapped and chased away.  Out the many misadventures of my life, I’ve decided to take a moment to share with all of you a few secrets on how to escape the most common mistakes of any new relationship.  Making some of the mistakes that will follow this brief introduction is 100% guaranteed to chase your mate away. 

loverspicturesLet me begin by saying that most of the world’s new relationships would work out so much better if there were a little less expectation placed on the relationship from the beginning.  There’s usually a huge difference between the two people involved: The emphatic person, who feels the world through their emotions & feelings and the systematic person, who sees the world through logic & reason.  This is your basic yin and yang formula.  They go hand in hand like kool-aid and sugar but it also takes a very careful and special blend of these two ingredients.  If you overdo it with the sugar, chances are you’ve ruined your kool-aid and heightened your chance of a diabetic shock.  Plain and simply put, relax and enjoy the moment with your partner.  Let nature take its course and don’t overanalyze anything.  If you do, it’ll be the death of what you internally pray is just the beginning. 

If you listen to and follow some of the advice listed below, I guarantee you’ll have a healthy and communicative relationship, with very minimal problems.  If you are the person who happens to be holding the torch by the scorching flame, I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting a few quick “out” options for you.   Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect, because there’s no such thing as a perfect person.  All relationships take work and NO relationship should be entered without your protective battle armor.  Just know that you can pick and choose your battles and avoid running from the field with your tail caught between your legs, or a lock of hair in your mate’s hand for a voodoo potion. 

Let’s begin.

Common Mistake #1.  Replacing “Me” with “We”

This is the first red flag to a nearing end of any relationship.  Let’s be honest and say that a lot of us are afraid of giving up our independence.  We assume that as soon as we become committed to someone else, our opinions are no longer our own.  Our choices are no longer our own.  Our thinking and actions will soon and suddenly become controlled by the person we are dating. 

bungeejumpingMost people would rather take a power drill and insert it into the side of their skull than to hear the five-year plan your partner has mapped out before you’ve taken off your socks after being boozed up just before you hit it then split.  If your partner has mapped out your life in this manner way too soon, take your bed sheets and tie them to your ankles very loosely and jump head first from the roof of the tallest building you can find.  It’s the only way to ensure that you’ll continue on in an after-life – independently and nag free. 

Common Mistake #2.  Boring Sex

VavavaVoomSurely after the second lay, you’ve already carved it in stone that this has got to be one of the best screws of your life.  It’s part of the reason you’re attracted to your mate.  This person is one of few who are able to keep up with your sex drive and wild side.  Not exceeding the level of sexocity that you portrayed the first and second time you boned your partner is equivalent to smearing apple jelly all over a live hand grenade and shoving it down your partner’s throat.  Busy people tend to ‘do’ sex the same way because it’s quick and it works. This can lead to boring sex. To spice up your love life, take it in turns to decide on a ‘menu’ of love. That way, each of you will be getting more of what you want, and it should build some creativity and inventiveness into the process.  If your partner is unwilling to do this, chances are they watched one hot ass porno DVD before coming to screw you those last two times and are really boring in bed, not mention secretly prepared to handle you cheating on them with someone who holds a higher level of better sex.  This is not the person for you!  Don’t waste your time.  Though sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, you know damn well that it ranks up there. Don’t fool yourself.  

Common Mistake #3.  Saying “I Love You” Way Too Soon

deepseaThe number one rule of any relationship is NOT TO RUSH THINGS.  Never ever rush telling your mate you love them.  If you do, you must be sure that your partner feels the same way.  Note: most people are not going to fall in love with you two weeks into the relationship.  The sex is still too fresh and the home cooked meals are way too appreciated.  It’s so common for one of the people involved in the relationship to feel more strongly than the other.  Telling your partner you love them without them feeling the same way is the kiss of death!  You might as well stab yourself in the heart with a meat clever and crawl inside your own coffin, leaving your mate a hammer and some nails to seal it shut.  And to ensure that those words will never be uttered from your lips again, you should be prepared to be buried at sea, with your coffin weighted with steel bricks and lined with cement. 

Common Mistake #4.  Conversation and discussion

People often complain that they no longer seem to talk to their partners. But if you get out of the habit of discussing things with your mate, you’ll end up like those couples in restaurants who have nothing to say to each other.  Don’t be afraid to talk dirty to each other.  Ask what color underwear your mate is wearing while they’re away from you.  Have a little cyber sex or a lot of sexting.  Be verbally aggressive in the bedroom.  Find out how they feel about public sex and threesomes.  It may not be quite the same as discussing the latest world news, but there’s no denying that it’s a good start to a spicy conversation.  On a real tip, it’ll help you and your partner feel a little more comfortable and open with each other to talk about things outside of the bedroom…as if anything else matters. 

Common Mistake #5.  Complacency: Letting yourself go

scary fishIf there’s one thing I personally can’t stand, it’s someone who’s not true to the person they perceived themselves to be when they painted their first impression for me.  If you wear ultra-tight clothes to accentuate those curves in your body; if you’ve worn the most expensive shoes you own to get my attention; if your hair was freshly done or your armpits smelled of divine fried chicken grease, PLEASE keep it that way.  By now, your partner has grown accustomed to a certain level of appearance and effort on your part.  Anything less is nothing more than a major let down.  If your partner refuses to keep up with the same effort it took to bait, lure and hook you, take a pair of sharp sheers and skin them alive.  Remove the flesh from their bones and feed it to a tank full of viciously hungry piranhas.  There would be no better way to punish your mate for misleading you in the person that they really are.  Not only have they proven to you that they really are lazy slobs, but they are also liars.  And if you lie, you steel.  Once upon a century liars and thieves were sentenced to death.  What better way to honor history than to celebrate its traditional retribution? 

Dudes and dudettes, I could go on with my list of “what-not-to-do’s”, but I think what I’ve provided here is enough to get you started without any relational interruptions.  Take heed.  Listen closely.  Print these warnings out and keep them in your wallets and purses.  You’ll thank me for it, I know you will!  I’m psychic like that.  I want nothing more than for my readers to be happy in their relationships, and following the advice that I’ve just given will prove to do just that – keep your relationship happy and healthy.  So with that said, I’d once again like to thank you for stopping by and most certainly encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.

Until next time, my little psychedelic Polish ice shavings!  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!   

 

Quote of the Week:    “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

How to End a Relationship with Minimal Weaponry & Bloodshed

Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP WITH MINIMAL WEAPONRY AND BLOODSHED

ExplosionRelationships can be a tricky thing.  There are so many elements to consider when you involve yourself with someone.  You have to consider your feelings, your partner’s feelings, time, space, interests and a host of other things.  But what we don’t consider is the bigger picture.  “All good things must eventually come to an end like a catastrophic time bomb.”

Generally we meet someone who attracts us in one sense or another, usually sexually (but not solely) when we step up to the starting line of a relationship.  After about the second or third date [or roll in the sack for some of you freaks] we find ourselves in a bind that we are not quite ready to deal with. So I thought I’d give you a few quick tips on how to give your partner the old heave-ho with only minimal weaponry and bloodshed.  Pay close attention and have your peanut butter cups ready for payment.  I’m sure you’ll thank me in the end.

Breaking Up

It’s no secret that breaking up with someone is one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll ever go through.  As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning and personal growth.  It can also be a perfect opportunity to realize you’d rather scrub your body with a rusty brillo pad than to be tied down with someone you’ve convinced yourself you love.  Just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort.  Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as if they are chipped stones aimed at your head to help you see that it’s time for change in the life direction you were meant to lead. 

The Initial Problem: Biting into a Poisonous Apple

Sometimes when you have strong connections with people, you instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, and end up jumping into one with them. You can love someone without being in a romantic relationship. It’s called “F*ck Buddies”: friends with benefits!   It’s okay to have one, two or nine different people that you screw regularly, have a cigarette afterwards and kick out when the romp is over.  In fact it’s natural and healthy (unless you don’t wrap it up. If not, then your troubles will lead you to endless hospital visits or numerous court rooms for determination of child support payments.  So be smart – unprotected sex is dangerous!).  Most people are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance. Truth is, the love you feel for another comes from a beautiful place within yourself, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of your true nature.  wine-glassIt has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person; a friendship that flourishes after hours when you’re loaded on booze and porn. 

Gearing up for the Breakup: Loading the BB-Gun

Socially, people tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. They even articulate it as such and say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, you leave a negative impression in your mind and an association with relationships in general. The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather freedom; freedom of unwanted phone calls, unexpected visits, unwarranted opinions, and friends of your partner’s that you simply do not like. 

You were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments and were meant to learn from its challenges. New life and death is all around you. Every inhale you take is a birth and each exhale is the death of that breath; and life continues.  And there’s no denying the feeling of liberation after you’ve clubbed your soon-to-be ex-partner over the head with a 2×4!

breaking upIt’s important to clearly understand your needs in a relationship and qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself and don’t compromise the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when you find a quality, which deeply matters to you, is missing in your partner, you think that they can be changed. Truth is, you can’t make people change; you can only change yourself. Small things will magnify with time and bullets aren’t but so big, depending on the size of the gun. Be conscious of the small things that matter and be completely honest with yourself.  You only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter and don’t clutter it with people you’d rather see pushed over the side of a cliff.

Why Do We Torture Ourselves With People We Could Give Less Than Two Sh*ts About?

We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We are afraid of the police banging down our door or escorting us from our jobs with pretty, shiny bracelets no one can see because our hands are shackled behind our backs.  We fear loneliness and we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations, unless you’re me, then the only thing we fear is running out of tequila shots.  We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, and we end up living in a fantasy instead of reality. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, and we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy kicking and screaming and our pillows soaked with our own vomit.

broken-heartTraditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off.  That’s smart.  It’s genius actually, because of the level of violence that flutters through our minds that comes with the overwhelming smothering of the person of whom we are so desperately trying to escape.  It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months and years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else shouldn’t be cut off.   In some instances we can continue other components of the relationship after time and stitches have healed all hearts.  Friendship does not have to be lost, neither do the benefits that come with being f*ck buddies. Once you’ve decided that parting ways is the best solution, doing the actual break up can be pretty nerve racking, since people’s hearts are on the line.  Take a Xanax, drink an Icehouse and wait for the inebriated effects to kick in.  Breaking up will be as easy as spitting into a tin can!

Going in for the Kill

  • Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the surface reason isn’t the real reason. Dig deep within yourself to find the real reason. Being surrounded by the situation can cloud your judgment. Separate yourself from the situation and spend some alone time.  Your partner may not understand, at first, why you need time to yourself, but don’t worry, soon it will make no difference what your partner thinks because they’ll be so consumed with the fact that you’ve just tossed them to the side like a pair of old outdated skinny jeans.  Make the commitment to be honest with yourself.  Remember that the truth will set you free and be committed to that.
  • Before your meeting, get into a state of compassion.  Clad yourself in camouflage and wipe mud under your eyes.  In a state of compassion, you will exude love and understanding and preparation for battle.  Don’t worry about helping the other person heal.  Who cares?  The point in your meeting is to sever all ties.  Be quick and brutally honest.  If you want them to bathe in a pit of hot tar, tell them.  They will respect your honesty, or throw a bee-filled hive on you.   However you decide to approach the situation, be steady with your aim!   Bullets are expensive.
  • During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and consider delivering your message respectfully, but don’t stop for responses.  When people are emotional and feeling hurt, they can easily become irrational and say things they don’t mean.  Don’t be surprised if your partner acts like a small child and says unreasonable or hurtful things to you.   They may not mean what they say, if given a chance to respond, but again, who cares?  However if you give your partner a chance to speak, don’t take anything personally, just make sure you’re prepared to have a witty comeback.   It’ll make you feel a thousand times better and tears are worth a hundred points! 
  • After you’ve ripped their hearts straight from their chest, give them space.  In fact, present them with a restraining order at the time of the breakup so they’ll know exactly how much of a distance they are required by law to have.   They will be hurt no matter what, so even if they appear fine on the outside, they are hurting.   This is good.  You have succeeded in your mission.  What they need now is time.  …oh, and a drink!  
  • And finally find the lessonwhat did you learn through this relationship?  I’m a big believer that good comes out of every situation, even ones we’ve perceived as bad.  Focus on what you’ve gained and what you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

There you have it boys and girls!  If you follow these steps exactly from A-Z, you will no longer feel trapped in a tremendously painful existence, experiencing feelings of empathy mixed with remorse and guilt.  And the impulse to burst into tears will cease to hit you sporadically throughout the day. 

As always I would like to thank you for stopping by and most certainly encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.

Until next time, my little barbarian lily pads!  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!   

 

Quote of the Week:    “War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009