How To Deal With Stalkers


Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!


When we last met I showed you the ropes on how to nail your boss’ ass.  This week it’s a lesson on what I like to call “Stalkers.”

Now I’m not talking about the cable network Lifetime movie stalker, though I’ll save my arguments on that for later. …I’m talking about fly-by-night people we meet for a short span of our lives; the ones whom we know have no chance in hell of getting past the second official date (which is usually the first official since most first dates are plain awkward moments you get to release all the nervousness); the ones that we use for one advantage or another until the novelty has finally worn off; the ones that don’t get the message even after you’ve spelled it out five different ways.

If you don’t know by now what I’m talking about, then you’re either perfect in every way or a social buzz kill.  Man or woman, young or old, they are all pretty much the same – obsessive!  Let’s first begin with a clear definition of a stalker: to pursue or approach (game, prey, etc.) stealthily; to follow or pursue (another person) persistently in a harassing and, typically, obsessive way.

C’mon, level with me.  I know I’m not the only one who’s had a one night stand where the sex was just so incredible, somewhere in that devilish little mind of yours, you had a notion that if you dangle the bait a little while longer, the prey will continue to nibble.  But you see that’s where we have a little problem, totally unaware that we’ve just bitten off more than we can chew. 

The most common stalkers are people who previously shared a romantic relationship with a victim. This can be either from a long/short term or sexual relationship.  Either way, something about the connection with the victim ignites a microscopic time bomb in the brain that changes them from a great lay to an enormous “…lay off!”

How does one deal with this kind of situation, you ask?  Simple, either RUN FOR THE HILLS or take a bazooka and blow them to smithereens! Personally that’s what I would do, but you might want to invest a little time researching a few other options first.  I will however not leave you without a few brain teasers.

First things first, know your stalker!  There are quite a few different kinds of stalkers, but we’ll review the characteristics of only five, the Rejected Stalker, the Intimacy Seeker, the Incompetent Suitor, the Erotomaniac and the Cyber Stalker.

Let’s find out what type of stalker you’re dealing with for a better assessment of how to handle the situation.

Rejected Stalker

The Rejected Stalker is the most common persistent and intrusive of all stalkers.  This person is obsessed with someone who is a former romantic partner or friend, and who has ended their relationship with the stalker, or indicates that he or she intends to end the relationship.  Depending on the responses of the victim, the stalker’s goals will vary and he or she usually struggles with the complex desire for reconciliation.   This person will try to guilt, trick, force or screw you back into their lives to avoid termination of a relationship. 

SOLUTION:  If this happens, arm yourself with gasoline doused armor.  Have yourself delivered to their home gift-wrapped inside a giant foam-shaped cake, and light a match as soon as they unwrap the box.  Your armor should protect you from the explosion itself, you’ll just have to deal with the burn marks from the scorching hot metal against your skin.  As long you as you can deal with a little bit of physical pain, you will be pleased with the result of this instant bug-a-boo-be gone!

Intimacy Seeker

The Intimacy Seeker is a person who seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To them, the victim is a long sought-after soul mate, and they were meant to be together.  They may have the delusion that the victim is in love with them–usually called erotomania (more on that later). They may interpret any kind of response from the victim as encouragement, even if negative. An intimacy seeker may write letters, send gifts, call, txt or email their victim.  They may believe the victim owes them love because of all they have invested in stalking them. After the rejected stalker, the intimacy seeker is the most persistent type of stalker.  They are usually unresponsive to the clear and basic “GET LOST” tricks and gimmicks, viewing them as challenges to overcome and persist in demonstrating their love for the victim even more.

SOLUTION:  Destroying the intimacy seeker is easier said than done.  Even if you were lucky enough blow them to kingdom come, as you would a rejected stalker, you must be a bit more persistent in your riddance of them by taking their remains and tossing them over a huge waterfall on a tropical island somewhere far off the coast of the Bermuda Triangle, ensuring that the waters of that waterfall lead to an underground world of renegade sharks. It’s not an easy task, but it’s not totally impossible.

Incompetent Suitor

The Incompetent Suitor desires a romantic or intimate relationship with the victim but is impaired in their social and courting skills.  This type of stalker may be very narcissistic, and cut off from the victim’s feelings (lack of empathy).  The incompetent believes that anyone should be attracted to them. Typically, this person will repeatedly ask for dates, or call on the phone, even after being rejected.  They may attempt physical contact by trying to hold the victim’s hand or kiss the victim however they will usually become nothing more than an annoyance, most equivalent to the common cold or lactose intolerance. The incompetent suitor is less persistent than others, and is likely to have stalked numerous others in the past, and will probably do so in the future.   

SOLUTION: This nuisance is harmless and will quickly stop stalking you if your shotgun barrel is big enough.

This malevolent being believes that the victim is in love with them.  They believe this even though the victim has done nothing to suggest it is true, and may have made statements to the contrary.  The Erotomaniac reinterprets what their victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union.  This person may suffer from acute paranoia, and typically chooses a victim of higher social status.  They will repeatedly try to approach and communicate with their supposed lover, and is typically unresponsive to your blank stares and any blood dripping from your ears, thanks to the constant shrieking of their voice. 

SOLUTION:  Unfortunately, without psychological treatment, this stalker is likely to continue with their activities.  Instead of aiming a crossbow at them, turn it on yourself and pull the trigger quickly.  Putting yourself out of misery is the only way to escape this torture. 

Cyber Stalkers

Cyber Stalking is an extension of the physical act of stalking; however, the behavior occurs using electronic mediums, such as the Internet and cell phones.  Someone who is physically stalking an individual may employ cyber stalking as another means to pursue, harass, or force contact.  Or, cyber stalking may be the sole means of surveillance and pursuit of the victim.  Don’t think that just because a cyber stalker haunts you only through Intranet, Ethernet and other wireless avenues, this behavior is not any less distressing. 

SOLUTION: Post an automatic death threat to all forms of your electronic communication.  Be very clear and angry in order to get your point across.  If you need any assistance, here’s an example:

“Dear Cyber Stalker, if you contact me one more time I am personally going to reach my hands through your screen and shove your face inside the nearest garbage disposal.” 

See how easy that was? Quick, clear and to the point. 

Quick Tips on How to Get Rid of a Stalker:

Communicate to your stalker that their attention is unwelcome.  If you do this yourself, do it once, and only once.  Better yet, have someone else do it for you.  It’s not being cowardly really, it’s simply diverting your problem on to someone else.  For this instance, pass this task on to someone you care about only a smidge more than you do your stalker. From then on, sever all contact with the perpetrator as long as they are stalking you.  

If you suspect that the stalking may be a threat to your physical safety then surround yourself with man eating dogs.  Keep a fresh supply of raw meat juice to spray on your transgressor, ensuring to keep your dogs hungrily attracted to the enemy.

If the suggestions above are too radical:

  • Change your patterns—stop returning all messages, paint your walls black and keep the window shades duct taped to the walls.
  • Let your friends, family, and neighbors know you are being stalked. Circulate a picture and physical description of the stalker because the mother-effer is obviously crazy.
  • Use caller ID to screen and block unwanted calls. Customize your ringtone to the Grimm Reaper theme song each time your stalker calls you.
  • If the stalker is overly persistent in contacting you, set booby traps! Spikes and silver bullets work best.

I hope something that I’ve said has inspired you to release your stalker once you’ve finished getting whatever it is you want out of them.  Finding them is the easy part, it’s getting rid of them that takes work, but nothing beats a failure than a try.  Nothing except live hand grenades, but try the spikes and silver bullets first.

Anyway kids, I won’t keep you any longer.  As always I would like to thank you for stopping by and certainly encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I will.

Until next time all my little sautéed cinnamon sticks, I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!   

Quote of the Week: If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

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4 thoughts on “How To Deal With Stalkers

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