A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!
Fellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans! To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil. They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised! They are the devil incarnate. They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear.
How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame? Better yet, why was it inducted? There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them. The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass. This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff. There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans. For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world. If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets? I think not.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation. Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff. I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support. In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt! Alas I am but one voice. My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream. I beg of you, please stop this madness. Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor.
I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion. As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found. This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense. I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans. Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass. This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public. Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word.
ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS:
Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please. Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.
- Socks should match your pants. Easy as 1, 2, 3.
- Belts should match your shoes. Not every one is color blind like you.
- Never wear both a belt and suspenders. The combination makes you appear less confident – you big wuss.
- Your shoes should be clean. Dirty shoes can ruin a nice outfit leaving you vulnerable to harsh and heavy insults. Trust me. I’ll be the one doing the insulting!
- Don’t wear a short sleeve shirt in combination with a tie. Actually, never wear a short sleeve shirt period. People have the perception that short sleeve shirts are only worn by lower class people. You can wear one if you want to be a McDonald’s manager, but that’s about the only exception to the rule.
- Wear the right size pants ok? This statement should be self explanatory however I am sure there is some moron out there who will overlook this very small detail. If your pants are too long, you should be thrown into a dryer, body and all, until your clothes shrink to fit your body. If your pants are too tight, then you are the person this whole article is all about.
- Socks with Sandals. Even if you live in Maine, don’t do it – you’ll look like a schmuck and I’ll hunt you down and attack you with skunk spray.
- Chunky Shoes. Lose them, this is Earth, not the moon.
- Clashing or too many colors. Do you really want to look like a gay pride flag? Stick to complementary colors (those opposite from each other on the color wheel) or colors from the same pallet. You can find one on the web very easily by searching on Google!
With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean! It is my solemn duty to spread the word!
As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time. My door is always open, except in the morning before 11. If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will. Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs. I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the Week: “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”
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