The Perfect “Dear John” Letter: Kick Rocks Mother Effer!

Hello there guys and gals!  Welcome to the spot ~ and MY oh MY, is it the place to be!  You have just entered a zone where everything is everything and no holds are barred.  Welcome to the hills of Hottywood!


dear_john_letterI have had so many of my comrades come to me and ask me how to get rid of that special nobody who simply does not seem to take a hint very well.  “What do I do, Hottywood?” they ask.  How can I be tactful in telling my lover to kick rocks?   Well the answer is simple…there really isn’t a tactful way to tell someone to take a hike.   Now if any of you have been following my blog up to this point, you know pretty well that I am not one for sugar-coating the truth.  Having said that, why the hell should you expect anything differently with this update?  Let me answer that question for you.  You shouldn’t!  I am going to do my very best to help you get the message across that you would rather drink spoiled milk from a dying cow’s utter than to continue on in a stalled relationship.

To let your lover go, there are a few simple rules you must follow.  They are very easy to remember and do not require much effort on your part. 

  1. Be honest.  Tell your partner that the love has fizzled.  It’s easy.  They will probably try to change your mind with one last burnt dinner or one final dry ass hump.  You can do two things: take the meal or the hump and use it as fuel to aid you in your riddance of your personal wilderbeast or tell them to shove the unwarranted persistence where the sun doesn’t shine.
  2. Be brutal.  Being nice is usually pointless.  And let’s face it, it’s no fun.  Being nice in your farewell causes you to be fearful of the unknown and most likely will make you wimp out and reconsider ending the relationship, all for the sake of saving face.  Man up and think of the most horrid things you can say to stay strong.  Though your cruelty can be quite dramatic, there is always truth in your animated goodbye.  I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again, “Tears are worth a thousand points.”
  3. Dismiss the person any way you damn well please.  Most people feel more respected if they’re broken up with face-to-face.  My theory is this: if you really want your lover to kick rocks, who the hell cares whether you say it in person, over the phone, or in a letter?  Truth is, if you break up on paper, it hurts more and lasts longer.  And let’s be real, isn’t that what we’re going for here?  Chances are you’ve dropped a dozen hints and that loser of yours refused to get the message. 

In fact, I encourage you to put your final farewell in a “Dear John” letter.  You may actually be doing someone a favor by writing down what you hate most about them and mailing it to them snail mail style.  It may somehow in the long run help them to see the error of their ways and force them to get their act together for the next person that comes in their relational path. 

Dear_John_2No two “Dear John” letters will ever be the same.  They are all based on a case-by-case scenario.  So what I am going to do is give you a brief example of a perfect, harsh kiss-off that will hopefully give you an idea on how to follow the necessary three rules to regain your freedom.  Remember to be honest and be brutal.  Spare no feelings and keep a bottle of Jack Daniels on hand to celebrate once you’ve signed your signature at the end.  If you follow this pattern, I guarantee you will never be pestered by your “EX” flame again!

Dear John,

            Over the last few weeks, my happiness with you has been equivalent to sleeping on a bed of hot coal in the Sahara Desert.  My dreams have been plagued with your snooze induced image and my skin burned with your mere touch.  I’ve gone over in my mind about a dozen times how I would much rather live my life without you.  It’s not necessarily so that I would rather be alone at this time, I would just rather be with someone else…anyone other than you. 

            At night when we are making love, I close my eyes and pretend that you are that hotty that lives across the street.  But when morning comes and I smell your morning breath, I long to tie one end of my shoe strings around my neck and the other to the bed post and hurl myself over the side of the bed.  The noises I made the other night as we were making love were all fake.  In fact, I practiced the moans while you were in the bathroom freshening up for what I knew would be the last screw you’d ever have with me.  The fact that the sex was as bad as it was makes it easier for me to tell you to stick your head in the toilet and flush it. 

            I know it may come as a surprise to you that I no longer want to continue on with this relationship, but it’s only surprising because you are too blinded by your own self pity to realize that I am simply too good for you.  My distance from this relationship could not be any more obvious and because you refuse to accept the truth, I’ve decided to send a copy of this letter to all of your friends so that you will be the only person left on the planet who will believe there’s still some form of hope left between us.  No amount of desperation would ever change my mind.  I am not that hard up. 

            I apologize that I did not think of this sooner.   I do hope that this letter does not give you an incentive to swan dive off the top of a bridge, but if it does, please do not expect me to ID your body once fishermen has fished you out of the river. 

Normally I would end this letter with “Love always,” but if you don’t know by now, I’d be lying.

                                                                    [Sign your name here]

So there you have it – a simple letter that states exactly how you feel in a very harsh and brutally honest format that not even the biggest idiot could misinterpret.

I’m not even going to bother to flush out the previous paragraph.  I want it to marinate in all of its entirety.  As usual chickadees, let me thank you for stopping by and encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish.  Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.

Until next time, my little stir fried skittle crumbs!   It’s time that I bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!    


Quote of the Week:    “Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

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8 thoughts on “The Perfect “Dear John” Letter: Kick Rocks Mother Effer!

  1. All I could say is wow!!! you nailed it I have been trying to figure out a way to get rid of my husband only thing is because of the economic crisis I need his money but I am going to have to take a lost because its not getting any better its getting worse. This is the first time I have come to this site to read a letter it was great!!

  2. I love this SHIT, it is the truth that I kno shall SET US FREE…..Sounds like Annie may be the one getting a DEAR JOHN letter!!!!!!! P_O_W

  3. When I discovered this I felt a deep down need to punch myself in the face to make sure I wasnt dreaming. I got out of my chair and walked around the office with a huge grin on my face. I was in such a good state of being that I asked out this girl from the espresso bar that I think is cute. Posts like this kick all others straight in the nuts.

  4. omg a lot of of the reviews visitors make are so silly, from time to time i think about whether they honestly read the subject matter and reports before placing a comment or whether they just simply read the subject of the post and jot down the initial thought that drifts into their minds. nonetheless, it is actually pleasant to read intelligent commentary once in a while as opposed to the same exact, traditional blog vomit that i regularly discover on the net

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