How To Spot a Liar: Catching a Mofo in the Act

Humans are by nature, trusting – and prone to be fooled by more attractive, innocent-looking faces. Still, humans are also by nature intelligent: and can learn a few tips to ensure they AREN’T being fooled.

Last night I went to the carry-out to get my usual #5 [combination lo mein and 2 egg rolls]. When I pulled out my money to pay for the meal, the cashier, a cute little Asian woman with long dark hair and the longest eye lashes I’ve ever seen, insisted that my bill was $2.15 more than usual.

“What the hell?!” Those long ass eye lashes must have blocked her vision as she was punching those numbers on the calculator pad. I’ve memorized the menu at the carry-out – and its prices and sales tax. I smelled a rat…no pun intended.

I don’t know where you’re from, but where I come from, people aren’t as frivolous as the rich folk in Bel Air. When I questioned Mingh Le on the sudden increase in price for my meal, her eyes shifted. The pitch in her voice raised an octave and her fangs grew long enough for me to mistake her for a character in the movie ‘Twilight’. This winch was lying to me!

Naturally I stood in the center of the carry-out, with all of the customers standing behind me to witness the scene as I yelled, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Mingh Le, you are guilty and I’m about to pull your card and all of your kind…”

You can pretty much guess how that whole thing turned out.

The moral of this story is not that I received my order AND a complementary egg roll and jumbo iced-tea/lemonade mix, all for the price I would have normally paid; the moral is that you too can catch a lying mutha effer in the act if you only know what to look for.

Below are Hottywood’s tips on going all Sherlock Holmes and detecting if someone is lying to you. Pay close attention. These tips will save you a headache the next time you’re caught in a situation where you believe someone is stretching the truth.

First thing you gotta do is learn how to put your hormones in your back pocket. Pretty or handsome faces are likely to fool you into thinking the person is more trustworthy. Con artists, dates, and relationship partners are more prone to convince you they’re telling the truth. If you suspect you’re being lied to, don’t pick up a scorching hot cup of coffee to douse the liar with.  Instead, wave away those stars in your eyes and pay attention. 

Liars don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Especially pretty liars. Most people, like you, are closeted horn dogs and are thinking some wool covered sexual thoughts and are too distracted to see that they’re being told something that’s not completely true. Snap out of it! You’re not getting any…so redirect your focus and take control.

Once you’ve gained your ground like a player on a football field, you mustn’t be fooled by the stereotypes. Not all liars blink, dart their eyes away from you, rub their noses, or shift uncomfortably. In fact, practiced liars don’t do any of these things. They’ll give you a good, firm, look in the eye and feed you the most crystallized bullsh*t you’ve ever heard.

To get to know whether someone is lying to you, what you have to do is pay attention to their mannerisms. Ask yourself if this is a person who USUALLY rubs their nose, shifts uncomfortably, or darts their eyes? If this is normal behavior for them, then pay attention to DIFFERENT behavior.  Are they sweating perfusely, stuttering or farting excessively? 

Physical gestures will be limited and stiff and you will observe a minimum of arm and hand movements. The hand, arm and leg movement you do notice will be directed toward their own body, indicating that they are subconsciously trying not to draw attention to themselves, but to their words.  Though hog-tying and horse whipping sounds like a good idea, pull out a flashlight instead, and aim the flash directly onto their face to see if they crack under pressure.  This may be a little drastic for most, considering most people don’t carry spare flashlights, but it’ll definitely cut through all the red tape. If that doesn’t work, throw the perjurer against a wall and threaten to beat the truth out of them. 

Patience is a virtue.  Remember that cliche’ five minutes before you beat the cheat to a pulp.  Get them to talk a little.  Grill them like a hamburger.  Listen carefully for lack of detail in a story…or too much detail. A liar will want to sell you on the lie and will often be more verbose in explanations or answers. Silence or pauses in the conversation will be uncomfortable to them because they feel what they have said is being examined, therefore they will tend to interject into those normal conversational pauses with unnecessary details. This is a form of distraction to reduce scrutiny. Politicians and cheating mates are most commonly known to sink in this quicksand of a trap.

Since their story is being made up on the spot, casually get the liar to repeat the story by asking questions.  If your suspicions are true and you are being lied to, details of the story will be inconsistent. In the case of too many specifics, this will be obvious, because the liar will be talking way too much. Eye movements can tell you where the answer you are getting is originating. When someone is recalling information from memory as an answer to your question, their eyes will tend to look to their right. However if the answer is being created on the spot, the eyes will tend to look to their left.

We have all heard it said that the eyes are the window to the soul … the liar prefers to not have anyone peeking in those windows.

MORE DETECTIONS OF A LIAR

If challenged on some point or issue, a liar will immediately become defensive, whereas someone telling the truth will be more inclined to show offense and will be on the offensive to protect their honor and/or credibility. A liar will also feel discomfort when challenged and will often turn his or her head or body away from you.  A skilled liar will flip the script and put you at fault.  This is a mofo that’ll need to be slapped after you’ve pulled their card.

If you change the subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed because they are relieved to be out of that ‘spot light.’ A truthful person is likely be confused by the sudden change of topic and will want to return to the previous subject. This can be a test if you are suspicious that you are being lied to.  Don’t hold a knife to the throat until you’re completely sure whether or not you’re being deceived.

As a form of distraction, liar’s will often attempt to inject humor or sarcasm to avoid or even belittle a subject, or sometimes even the questioner …under that circumstance the liar is attempting to regain control by a form of subtle and indirect intimidation.

Don’t fall for it.  It’s nothing but a bunch of bullsh*t.  A crock.  A hoax.  A sham.  A jig.  Do you see where I’m going with this? 

Anyhoo, there it is. All spelled out in black and white. If you watch out for these simple signs, you’ll be able to spot a liar a mile away. You can avoid them like a bad pot of chitterlings. In fact, chitterlings and liars have something in common: they both stink.

Take a little time to get to know the characteristics of a liar. You can outsmart them before they outsmart you. All it takes is a little effort.  And like I always say, 90% of any effort is getting started.

 

Quote of the Week:    “Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Nov. 29-Dec. 5, 2009

Peek-a-boo!  Let’s see what Hottywood has in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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 Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be remembered for one thing this week; FARTING.  It will not be a good week for romance.  Lay off the cheese.

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

One of your front teeth will be more yellow than humanly possible.  You should make friends with a Capricorn.  Lonliness is the one thing you two will have in common. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You’ll think you’ve been bitten by a swarm of mosquitos.  Rest assured, it’s just bad acne.  Get an extra brown paper bag from the market to cover your face.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

1 and 2 will be your lucky numbers if your name is Sam, otherwise 1 is the number of booty calls you’ll get this week and 2 is the number of times you’ll be pulled over by a mall cop.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s good news and there’s bad news.  The good news is someone will throw raw eggs at your front door.  The bad news is that you’ll be standing in the doorway.  Avoid anyone named ‘Karma’. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll be expected to give a presentation to a bunch of midgets.  You will also only be attractive to people with mustaches, three breasts and straight out of the big house.  Don’t wear perfume or cologne.  Good luck.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your lover will be horny as a toad this week…just not for you.  Start looking for an AA support group.  You’re gonna need it for the road ahead. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Someone will refer you to a position within a prestigious dog-walking firm.  The sad part is all dogs will pee on your shoes.  Your future boss will be a dog with two legs instead of four.  Make cautious decisions. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will lose two things this week:

  1.      1.  Your mind and
  2.      2.  Your, um….

I forgot. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your phone will be disconnected at the exact moment you climax during a phone bone.  The person on the other end will think you’re either uninterested or gay and will start rumors about you.  It’s time for a fresh start. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Any movie you view will be blank.  You will be considered a cheap date and an even worse lay.  Relax, you’re just having an off week.  Stay away from one eyed giants. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Your Christmas tree will lean for the entire month of December and your only holiday season lights will be the street lamps outside your bedroom window.  You may be tested for Athlete’s Foot by a dentist. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.”

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Top 20 Pet Peeves: ixNae the Annoying itShae

What is a pet peeve, you may wonder?  A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that can instill extreme frustration in an individual.   In other words, something so simple that it can irritate the sh*t out of you. 

Below are Hottywood’s TOP 20 PET PEEVES.  Beware.  If you’re caught in the hills of Hottywood violating anything on the pet peeves list, be prepared to get your ass kicked something good! 

HOTTYWOOD’S TOP 20 PET PEEVES:

Socks and Sandals. This is the devil.  If you wear socks and sandals, then your feet should be used as a target for an archery class. 

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Morning people.  Sometimes you just want to punch the hell out of them.

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When a smelly fat guy squeezes his fat ass into the only available seat next to you on the bus.  Jump out the window while the bus is still moving.  It’ll be painful, but a quick way to put you out of your misery.

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People who txt during a date. Karate chopping would be my first suggestion, otherwise let them know you’re just as bored with them as they are with you.  Pinch your nose tightly until you pass out from lack of oxygen.

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Not having enough quarters to do laundry. When in doubt, crawl inside the washing maching and dance on top of your clothes, creating your own soap suds. 

Trust me, it’s more fun if you do it this way.  Just make sure your feet are clean.  __________________________________________________________

People who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.  I’m sure I’m not the only person who wishes that unsanitary person would punch himself in the face with his germ infested fist.  

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People who stink. Pee on them.  There’s no doubt they will take cleanliness a little more seriously after that.    

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People who drive below the speed limit.  I’ll tell you what; set their car on fire and make the slow mutha effer walk! 

Let’s see how long it takes ’em to get to their destination now

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People who ride their bikes in the middle of the street.  There’s only one way to settle the score. 

STRIKE!!! 

If this doesn’t work, nothing will.

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Anyone who says “Hammer Time” after they’ve heard the word “STOP.” 

They should be put to an end just like MC Hammer’s career. 

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Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.  

Karma’s a bitch! 

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People that pop and smack their chewing gum.  Throw a lighted match on their hair. I promise you they’ll stop popping their gum.  

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Anyone who does this in public.  It’s just wrong on so many levels. 

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When you can’t tell if someone is male or female.  We get it already, you like to play dress up.  But come on, there is a such thing as too much. 

Is anyone else confused about her him – THIS??? 

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People who leave the door open when they go to the bathroom. If you know anyone who does this nasty sh*t, flush them down the damn toilet, please and thank you. 

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When you’re invited to a party with people you have never met, and the host doesn’t introduce you to anyone.  

Personally, I’d rather shoot myself in the foot.  Next time, stay home and count your hair follicles.   

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When someone with a full cart of groceries gets into the 10 items or less line. This basic rule of grocery store etiquette was covered in the Grocery Shopping Handbook for Dummies. 

A good karate kick to the back of the collar bone will put an end to this madness.    

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When someone leaves their phone number at the end of a long message and they say it so fast you can’t understand it and have to listen multiple times to figure it out. 

Don’t bother to listen.  Simply toss the phone into the nearest trash can and keep on moving.  If it isn’t Jesus calling, the message can’t be that important.   

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People who chew with their mouth open.  Chew on this! 

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Anyone who gets on an elevator and stares at another passenger for a while, then yells “You’re one of THEM!” and moves to the far corner of the elevator. 

…for obvious reasons. 

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So there you have it, people!  Hottywood’s Top 20 Pet Peeves.   Please don’t get caught with your tail between your legs attempting to violate any of the above mentioned crimes.  Because if someone catches you, they are liable to tie you to a tree and use you as “bazooka” practice!  And if Hottywood catches you…well let me just remind you that he likes sharp objects and things that go BOOM! 

If you are by chance an idiot who is guilty of anything listed above, then you’d better get off your ass and make some changes.  You can do it.  90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the Week:     “I don’t have pet peeves.  I have whole kennels of irritation.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood.2009

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 22-28, 2009

Ever wondered if you could change your luck if you knew what your future held?  Well guess what, Hottywood can help! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your french fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

None of your booty calls will answer their phones this week. Cold showers and porn will be God’s way of telling you He still cares.  Stay strong.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Hot chicks will flirt with you even if you are a woman but they will only have one eye brow. Beware of one-heeled polar bears and hairless puppies. Someone will piss you off all week. Buy insect repellent and rope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Do you like cold pastrami on molded pumpernickel bread with brown lettuce and government cheese?

…me neither.

Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that will make tomorrow better. Good luck.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Am Amish person will invite you to a polka dance and your paycheck will be short $58.13. Your grocery bill will be sky high and your bank account will be negative (-)$58.25.  Wear a paper bag over your broke ass head.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Goat cheese is your enemy. Your supervisor will not get laid this week and will take it out on you. Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state. Buy some paperclips. They are sharp and inconspicuous.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A little birdie is going to tell you you look fat. Purchase a new baking dish, you’re going to have chicken all week. Count to 5 backwards three times in your sleep.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You won’t win any congeniality awards this week because you are selfish, rude and right about everything. You’re going to have a good week because no one will want to be around you to get on your nerves. Use your time wisely to reflect on how arrogant you are.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This week you will be cursed with slouchy socks and extra tart morning breath. Avoid the subway. Everyone will view you as a moving target.

EVERYONE.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Invest in a plus-sized vocalist association. Your lover will stop being an ass only when the fat lady sings.  

…let me know how that works out for you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Any gift you receive will be broken. Then again you may not receive a gift at all so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Christmas will be better for you as long as anyone who might give you a gift this week does not give you a damn thing for Christmas.

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Quote of the Week:    “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?

WHY THE SEX STOPS WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS

Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 

 

Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

20 Reasons & Ways to Kick Morning’s Ass

Morning should be really lucky that it’s not a human being, because if it was, there is no doubt that it would get its ass kicked regularly!  Oh Morning, how you are unloved by many, especially by me! 

For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start.  However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes.  Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you!  I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.

Dear Morning, if you were a person:

(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn.  _________________________________________________________

(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light.  _________________________________________________________

(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers.  Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing.  _________________________________________________________

(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window.  _________________________________________________________

(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________

(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes.  _________________________________________________________

(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door.  _________________________________________________________

(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.

_________________________________________________________

(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense.  _________________________________________________________

(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change. 

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(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time. 

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(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.

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(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me.  _________________________________________________________

(14) I would violently blame you for Starbucks running out of espresso shots.

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(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously.  Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.

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(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.

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(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.

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(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting. 

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(19) I would ram you in the stomach like a raging bull for drinking all the water from the water cooler just as soon as my mouth feels like I’ve swallowed a bag full of cotton.

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(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service. 

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I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass.  But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma!  At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon.  Afternoon is my friend, unlike you. 

Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street.  If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction.  I have no doubt that I would pummel you.  All it takes is a little creativity and  effort.  And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started! 

So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open. 

 

Quote of the week:   “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that there are certain behaviors that one should exude in church.  You lightning2should be reverent and respectful and keep your txt messaging to a minimum. 

If you aren’t Twittering or sending txt messages to God, then you need to be paying attention to the minister, unless he’s totally boring and has no idea what the difference is between the Old Testament and the New.  Otherwise, the following behavior is permissible in church.  But you didn’t hear it from Hottywood.  Far be it from me to give you a one-way pass straight to hell (unless you piss me off, then I’m giving tickets away for free). 

*** 

The Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church

***

Bingo(1) Don’t stand up and shout “Bingo!” during service.  The clergy staff will not like it and you’ll be expected to give more money to the collection plate.  Sister Mary Louise may also be upset you didn’t invite her. 

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Communion(2) Don’t drink 10 shots of communion wine.  This screams rehab!  The attention you’ll get from doing this is quite the opposite of a room full of drunks screaming “Chug-a-lug,” unless your church service is held in the back of the corner liquor store. 

 That is the only exception to the rule. 

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wine(3) Don’t bring your own bottle for communion.  Bringing your own bottle says two things about you.  (1) You’re a lush and (2) you’re selfish.  Next time, bring enough for everyone. 

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slapped(4) Don’t hit on the preacher’s wife.  Trust me, this never ends well.  Either she’ll slap you or the preacher will do it for her…one way or another you’re getting slapped.  Carry plenty of Vaseline.  It’ll soften the blow.  

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(5) Don’t drop it like it’s hot when catching the Holy Ghost.  This is a one-way ticket straight to hell (where the party never stops…nor does the consistent sweating).  

Besides, your pores are probably still open and you wreak of alcohol and cigarette smoke.  Do yourself a favor and sit your ass down. 

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                                                                                                                                                       (6) Don’t throw tomatoes at the childrens’ choir.  We know kids are cute and all, but their singing is another story.  Even though you may want to cut your ears off with the edges of your church bulletin, they are still kids. 

Save the tomatoes for the parents who keep telling you how talented their untalented children are. 

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dontmakemecomedownthere(7) Don’t change your cell phone ringtone to “Pop that Pussy” during prayer unless you just really really like that song.  I know I do.  Actually, you’d be surprised at the number of old people who have provocative ring tones on their cellies.  However, just to be safe…

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sleepinchurch(8) Don’t snore in church, especially if you’re the preacher.  If you’re leading by example, the whole damn church will be asleep (which might work out okay for the heathens that just got in from the club).   

…see below.

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miniskirt 2(9) Don’t go straight to church from the club.  Truth be told, most churches say, “Come as you are,” so why not?  I’m sure the deacons won’t mind. 

…their wives are a different story.

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(10) Don’t forget where you are when it’s time for your solo.   Church is a place for worship, not trying to score a record deal.  Don’t be a skank.  Some people may not get into it, but you can blame the heavy breathing and stripping on catching the Holy Ghost.  Just watch out for lightning bolts and paramedics as they come to administer CPR to those old folks who drop dead during your performance.  *Although what better place to have a funeral than at church, right?

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There you have it folks.  The top 10 things you should NOT do in church.  I won’t tell you how I know these things.  I told you I’m a plethera of information.  If you have a problem with it, take it up with Jesus!  

P.S.,

Is there room in your church for me?  Because once my pastor sees this, I’m getting booted out of mine! 

Until next time my little onion flavored wood chips.  Feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone anytime before then, I’ll cut your ass.  If you don’t believe me, try me!   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:     “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 15-21, 2009

crystal ballAre you wondering what your week has in store for you?  Chicken wings?  Stalled car engine?  Dropping your last bite of Snickers on the ground?   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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CapricornCapricorn

December 22 – January 19

You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. There will be many reasons to ask someone to step outside.  Stay away from pretzels.  You’ll see.

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AquariusAquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lighters are always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank.  Apples will provide great stimulation for you…worms, not so much. 

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PiscesPisces

February 19 – March 20 

“Thinking strategically” is a cop-out. You did what you did because you’re a selfish competitive little person.  God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance.  If you think you’re crazy, you are.

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AriesAries

March 21 – April 19

Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to market-places could leave you hot or stiff.  Goldfish are cute.   You will win the lottery 6 years from today.

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taurusTaurus

April 20 – May 20

Paper can cut, and words can hurt, which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox – preferably whilst still in the postman/woman’s hands.

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geminiGemini

May 21 – June 20

Today might be tiring, but you will sleep easy at your desk just before your boss catches you.  Avoid any “Past Due” notices.

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cancerCancer

June 21 – July 22

Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today. Dogs can be a man’s best friend or a woman’s best friend. They could also be a child’s best friend, or a cat’s best friend. Dogs are totally flexible.  You will begin to hate dogs.

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LeoLeo

July 23 – August 22

Halitosis can be very painful.  The end is more like the beginning than you’d think.  Your lucky number is 666 or 613 (which translates to Friday 13).  Feed a stray cat peanut butter and hide from PETA

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VirgoVirgo

August 23 – September 22

If you think you’ve been harshly treated, please feel free to purchase a box full of Twitter Barbie dolls.  Those dolls will remind you that things can be a lot worse. 

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libraLibra

September 23 – October 22

There are always good reasons to ask a fellow human to “step outside”, and you may be forced to do this over the coming week.  Don’t pet a snapping turtle and purchase any of the “Saw” movies. 

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scorpioScorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Sh*t” is not a cuss-word you want to use around the office.  Many of your problems can be solved by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and perhaps tornadoes.  All of your pens will run out of ink and “sh*t” will be your favorite word.

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saggitariusSaggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after eating your last slice of cheese.  The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you.  Wear a “F*ck You” sign on your back. 

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Quote of the Week:       “All people in favour of birth control are already born.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

A LETTER TO MY HATER

Dear Hater,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to say thank you.  I would like to thank you for hating on me as much as you do.  You see, by hating me, you are helping me to the better person you aren’t willing to give me credit for. 

Ordinarily I would tell you to drive your car over a cliff, however I see your life is already doomed because you have nothing better to do with yourself than to find reasons to judge my personal success.  I’ve extended my hand to help you get a little self esteem and instead of taking my help, you damned it, leaving yourself in the same sh*t creek you were in when I first met you. 

Life is good for me.  It’s better now that I am away from you.  Yet you are trying your best to make yourself a part of my life.  For your information, I have enough crap pouring out of my ass after I eat a hefty combo of tacos and pickles.  I don’t need you to stink things up any more. 

If it wasn’t for your strong desire to hold me back, I would be a no good loser just like you.  I would have no friends, just like you.  I wouldn’t be able to keep a relationship, just like you.  I’d probably be sitting in a corner pointing my gossiping finger at everyone who’s so much better than me…just like you. 

car-covered-with-bird-crapAlas I have prayed for peace and tranquility.  I also purchased a flock of trained circus pigeons to unload steaming bird droppings on your car each time you wash it.  I’ve changed my telephone number and placed a herd of wild llamas on my front porch to attack at the smell of your presence. 

I have found my place in life.  I am happy and rich in more ways than money.  And it is all because of you  – my inspiration; my muse; my personal crap bag.  My hater!

                                                                       Love always,

                                                                        Hottywood

 

P.S.

I’m sure you won’t be a hater  for all of your days…well, I’m not totally sure, but I do at least hope that your existence amounts to something more worthwhile.  Just remember that the change begins with YOU90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:    “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”

How To Move on From a Relationship: A Lesson for the Loser Who Keeps Getting Dumped & Won’t Let Go

broken-heart-2Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.  However, the real newsflash is that your ass just won’t let go.  Therein lays your problem. 

Dealing with a break-up isn’t that difficult if you know the two basic rules of “getting over” it.  (1) Letting go and (2) Moving on.  When you are hung up on a relationship, you automatically sabotage any chance of new love.  The best kind of love is a new one.  You have to let go of the old so you can welcome the new.  

I know it’s hard.  You’ve had to endure a lot of ‘almosts’ in your love life and you want to know why you’re having such bad luck in love.  The answer is simple.  You have dependency issues.   For some odd reason you can’t seem to cut it as a person with your own purpose to exist, so you must latch on to someone else.  Well I’m going to help you out.  We’re going to talk about the two basic rules of “getting over it”, so you can get on with your life and stop being a nuisance to anyone else. 

As an abstract concept, getting over a broken relationship usually refers to a deep transgression of a failed attempt of caring for another person – most common in intimate relationships.   This limited conception encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from regretted post sexual intimacy to just plain crazy. 

Pay close attention.  Eventually you’ll be lucky enough to get yourself hitched.  In the meantime, if you know the two basic rules of getting over being dumped, you can save yourself a lot of misery and Kleenex.    It’s simple.  Follow along:

Step #1 – LET GO

letgoThe first and most important part of getting over being dumped is to keep busy and let go.  Lock yourself in a room and duct tape your eyes open long enough to preview the entire ‘Fact of Life’ series.  I don’t know exactly what this will achieve, but it’s sure as hell going to keep you from bugging the sh*t out of anyone.  Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and your friends smelled your break-up coming a mile away.   Face it, you’re a loser.  It’s in your DNA. 

Take up a hobby.  Go bungee jumping.   Whatever you do spend all of your quality time discovering what it’s like to get on your own nerves.  You’ll be so consumed with learning that you annoy the hell out of yourself that it will become increasingly difficult to get on the nerves of others.  The point here is that you can’t overcome a break-up if you continue to deny that something is wrong with you.  By the time you’ve realized how crazy you are, you will have forgotten all about whatshisname

Step #2 – MOVE ON

MoveonAfter you’ve dealt with the fact that you’ve been dumped, it’s time to move on.  It’s the common phrase in every bad ending relationship.  “Move on you jerk!”

I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one says you have to get into a serious relationship right away.  That’s what got you into this mess to begin with.  Stop being so clingy and needy, you wuss. 

Seeing new people will keep your ex off your mind, and it’ll do your ex an even bigger favor (because they want you off their back).  Chances are they’ve told you to take a hike, kick rocks, play in traffic or pull your own tongue out so you can never speak to them again. 

Don’t get angry or be hurt by the rejection.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s probably not the last time you’ll be dumped.  At least you’ll be prepared for the next rejection if you’re lucky enough to get into another relationship. 

***

Before I let you go, I’m going to give you a word of advice. 

steps-breakingupIf you’re still single or have been dumped from every relationship you’ve ever been involved with, then your ass is in trouble.  Otherwise, take a look at the list below for tips on assessing if your relationship is taking a nose dive.  These tips will save you a lot of time in collecting a bunch of rocks to put in your pockets before you decide to jump in the nearest river. 

Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks:

  • Lack of Respect.  Your partner realizes he/she can do better.  Bow out with an ounce of dignity. 
  • A One-Way Relationship.  If you’re putting your all into your relationship and your partner isn’t, chances are they’re totally bored with you and are exploring other options…or hiring a Hitman.  In any case, run!
  • Ignored Phone Calls.  There are a couple of reasons why your mate is not returning your calls.  The sound of your voice is annoying and your address book entry has been changed from your government name to “DO NOT ANSWER THIS DAMN PHONE.” They’ve found something or someone else better to do with their time. Or, they just don’t want to talk to you.  A word to the wise: calling someone excessively is not going to make them answer the phone. 
  • Pleasant Company Excluded.  If it’s more of a relief to be apart than together, take a damn hint.
  • The sex has stopped.  Uh oh.  You’re in trouble.  You have been reduced to a friend or associate.  You are no longer “get it” material.  Buy a lot of porn. 

Trust me, the list goes on.  But if you haven’t gotten the point by now, then you are doomed to your dependency issues for the rest of your days.  Good luck, kiddo.  I want you to take these helpful hints and go get yourself a little self-esteem.  Life is hard but doable. 

All jokes aside.  Take a little time to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes your inner jack ass tick.  The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love. 

Until next time my little barbarian fallopian sacks! Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:     “The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love.” 

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 8-14, 2009

crystal ballIs your week falling to crap just as soon as you wake up and you don’t know why?  Look to the stars over the hills of Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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CapricornCapricorn

December 22 – January 19

Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including midgets and clowns.  Do as deer hunters do and rub fresh deer droppings on the bottom of your shoes. 

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AquariusAquarius

January 20 – February 18

Go with the flow and let people take advantage of you this week. It will give you an excuse to throw stink bombs in all the bathrooms at your place of employment.  Your lucky number is 911.

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PiscesPisces

February 19 – March 20 

Biscuits can provide a pleasurable sensation to you this week.  You will discover you are a weirdo and a pervert.  You’ll probably like it.  Beware of Capricorns and clowns. 

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AriesAries

March 21 – April 19

Hat buying could serve you well today as your hair is likely to fall out.  Avoid purple PT Cruisers and rabbit fur.  You may be getting extra work piled on you, but think of it as an opportunity to shine…or the calm just before you kick someone’s ass.

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taurusTaurus

April 20 – May 20

All the time you spent on learning a foreign language is never going to pay off.  You’ll have a better chance taking up Pig Latin.  You will be exceptionally clumsy this week and might even drop your toothbrush into the dog’s water dish.  It’s going to be a rough week.

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geminiGemini

May 21 – June 20

You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a f*ck about anyone. Most people are afraid of you.  Don’t change. This is your lucky day.

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cancerCancer

June 21 – July 22

Today your underwear will fit unusually snug.  This will cause you to be bittered and angry.  Your chances of getting a promotion are imminent.  You should wear shrunken underwear more often.

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LeoLeo

July 23 – August 22

You are the adventurous type – always looking for thrills and willing to try anything.  You’re so stupid. Stay away from monkeys and bridges.  You are stupid enough to do whatever monkeys do and dumb enough to jump off a bridge if someone tells you to.  Take up a hobby.

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VirgoVirgo

August 23 – September 22

Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope.  Other people are not as crazy as you are.   Oh yeah, the time is upon you and you will succeed or something like that.

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libraLibra

September 23 – October 22

Your future may be tainted by a mistake in your past.  Now is the time for a new resolution.  Get a license for a gun or borrow one from the kid who lives next door.  Always remember children are our future.

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scorpioScorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import beastiality pornography and sex toys.  Your partner will want to make love in the back seat of the car.  They will want you to drive.

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saggitariusSaggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Test yourself today by walking around nude.  If you do not trust this horoscope completely, clothe yourself in only the top half of your clothes.  Prepare to introduce yourself to the police and a new lover.  Caution: You new lover will have a record.

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Quote of the Week:       “The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Ass-Whooping: A Brain Deficiency Defined

leave me alone 2So you’re ex won’t take “No” for an answer, eh?  Someone owes you money and they aren’t grasping the concept of “Leave me alone before I body-slam your ass!”  And now you’re searching for an understanding of why your message isn’t getting across.   Well search no more.  Have I got the answer for you!   

It’s common.  We’ve all gone through it.  If you haven’t, you will.  You’ve told your ex to take a hike and they just don’t seem to let go.  What do you do? 

Let’s begin by naming the problem for what it really is.  Researchers have discovered that the point just before a person gets his or her ass whooped does in fact have a medical term.   Selective Lingual Comprehension.  I know…I know…you’ve probably never heard of this before.  Doctors are still researching the term and its cause.  But I have experienced its effect.  And though there is no known cure for this disease, I can help you identify it and steer you from a poor innocent soul who has been stricken with such a case.

What is Selective Lingual Comprehension?

memory loss 1Selective Lingual Comprehension (SLC), most commonly found in Americans or those who have been living in the states for a number of years, is a disturbance in the memory of stored information of variable durations and causes a victim to forget basic meaning of words and phrases.  It is a rare side effect of a person who loses certain parts of his/her memory after being abruptly evicted from a house (usually after a one-night stand or a bad lay) or a owes a financial debt.  Not much is known about this disease because it only results when certain areas of the head has been traumatized, when a debt is owed, or when the ego has been bruised.   

What are the symptoms of Selective Lingual Comprehension?

There are common elements in identifying people with this untreatable illness.  Those elements are not identified however, until after you’ve loaned them money or screwed them unmercifully in an inebriated or vulnerable rant.  Common symptoms are:

  • Refusing to accept a break up
  • Forgetting to repay a debt
  • Inventing false truths
  • Borrowing a car without permission

The list continues, but these are enough to get you started. 

What triggers Selective Lingual Comprehension and how can I avoid someone who has it?

Dollar signIt takes a small act of interest in the victim to set this mind boggling time bomb off in their brain.  If you have loaned them money, they will suddenly view you as a First National Bank.  They will continue to beg you for funds as if they are homeless or hooked on some obscene controlled substance like mushrooms or pre-mixed long island iced teas.  Before you shoot them in the esophagus with a bb gun, try telling them to hit the road or suggest they stand in front of a moving bus.  If they continue to ask you to loan them anything other than an envelope filled with anthrax, be prepared to “just say no” in an as many languages as your small little mind can retain.  Remember, they will unconsciously forget the English terms for rejection and/or acute threats, therefore flashlighting the key elements of the disease.  If you have loaned a SLC patient money, even if only once, that is the only thing they will see and remember.  You are now a living ATM machine and they will continue to withdraw from you until you have been dragged kicking and screaming to the poor house, arrested or murdered.  They do not understand the American meaning of the word, “no.”  Even death is a little grim. 

morning afterIf you have bedded an SLC casualty more than once, then you’re probably screwed.  Chances are they have lost all comprehension of rejecting words and will view anything you say as a ploy to get them back into the bedroom.  …or back seat of your car…depending on where and how good the first and second lay was.  Telling them “it’s over” is pointless.  A person who suffers from SLC will no longer recognize words such as “no” or “get lost.”  They will only interpret those references as “please” and “what time should I call you?” 

You must not get upset.  You mustn’t let yourself be consumed with a problem that has not yet been proven to be treatable.  If you have humped a person who suffers from selective language comprehension and have denied their requests for another delve into your god-given goodness, you should be knowledgeable of how to “just say no” in languages other than English, just as I have described for someone who owes a financial debt.  This will ensure that they get the message.  Once they have unconsciously forgotten the English pronunciation and definition of the word “no,” you should be armed with bilingual alternatives. The video below will give you a few examples.  Read them.  Study them.  Learn them.   If these examples still do not help you, result to violence.  Just consider making that your last option, unless your name rhymes with BottyhoodBelts.

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shadow boxingIf your preferred choice of international kiss-offs still carry no effect on the inflicted, punching always works.  Black eyes and broken ribs are just as much universal languages as music and art.  Purchase a pair of brass knuckles and shadow box every morning to sharpen your skills.  You will most likely meet a SLC martyr sooner rather than later.  Good defenses and weapons will be comforting and reliable if you are caught in a dark alley with a delusional gambit of the SLC condition. 

HidingWhen all else fails.  Hide.  Hide inside your file cabinet at your job.  Stock up on perishable foods and water and barricade the doors and windows of your home with 2x4s and barbed wire.  Surround yourself with vicious dogs and keep a reliable battery operated radio close by so you will not have to leave your home for any reason or as little as possible. 

Keep in mind that these are not proven facts to get rid of a person with selective lingual comprehension.  The alternative language(s) you choose to say “no,” “leave me the hell alone” or “kill yourself” are not guarantees that your offender will understand your denunciation…but it will be a step in the right direction. 

If my advice does not work, I will personally loan my shot gun to anyone who needs it.  I have plenty to spare, so don’t hesitate to ask.  I am as generous with my weapons as I am with my advice. 

On that note, I will get my walking shoes and skidattle.  Remember that you are always welcomed to stop by and check me out as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  Yes I will. 

Until next time my little chocolate sprinkled camel humps!  Don’t forget that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:   “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t don’t really matter.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Things Men Hate: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

THINGS MEN HATE: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

From a Male Perspective

House RulesLadies, have you ever wondered why a guy is just not that into you?  Well I’m going to do you a favor and give you a quick glimpse of the most common mistakes women make that runs a guy off into the night like a bull chasing an armadillo.  Listen closely.  This advice just may save your relationship!   

It is said that we meet people for a reason; that every person serves a purpose for coming into our lives.  So what the hell does that mean?   Most women spend their entire lives trying to figure out what this purpose is, totally missing out on the adventures of learning.  Here’s a tip that should help make your life a little less complicated.  Relax.  Everything will happen in its due time, so let it.  Stop waiting.  Stop expecting.  Stop forcing, and just relax.  I can’t say this enough.  This is RULE #1.

Tied UpGuys don’t want to be hog-tied in the first trimester of a relationship.  There’s no need to lay it on too thick.  When you meet a guy, don’t assume that he’s ‘the one’ right away.  Ease up on the over-excessive phone calls and txt messages.  Stop expecting him to come to your house every evening. …and for goodness sake, don’t go screwing things up by introducing him to your family and all your friends.  This is an instant red flag – a prime example of gripping your man by the balls and squeezing tightly until he screams like a little old b*tch.  Introductions to your family and friends scream formality and commitment.  It also implies that you’re spilling all the juicy details of your personal business.  Don’t do this!  I repeat: DON’T do this! 

Nine times out of ten, a man hasn’t taken the opportunity to get to know you as well as you’d think or hope.  He’s too busy enjoying the perks of a new woman on his arm or in his bed.  In this stage of the game, there’s no pressure and he is looking forward to seeing you again, provided your face does not resemble the bottom of his shoe. 

chaseKeep in mind that men like to be in control.  Give us a chance to chase you.  It’s alright to play a little game of cat and mouse, especially in the beginning of a new relationship.  And if you think about it, it benefits you as well.  Not being so leach-like will give you an opportunity to see just how much we’re in to you (…on our terms, not yours). 

Don’t crap this up: Enjoy the ride.  It won’t be new forever so appreciate it now.  If you want to keep your relationship fresh, take my advice and relax.  Back the hell off and keep plenty of beer in your refrigerator.     

No PressureNot applying pressure to your relationship, as you would foundation to your face, will give your fling a chance to breathe.   It will keep things between you and your man smooth and light.  Men enjoy as little complication as possible.  We like situations that don’t require too much thinking or responsibility.  We are carefree.  We ride on the wind; we are the breeze in the air.  We like to appreciate a situation for what we can see and touch.  Most women explore deeper than that.  Women search for the meaning of a situation.  To you, everything has a reason.  If a man doesn’t call you, you want to know ‘why’, ‘what did you do’, ‘who was he with’…you’re not relaxing. 

Not StupidRULE #2, nobody’s stupid.  Contrary to what you believe, all men are not stupid.  You may insist that we do nothing but play mind games with you, but believe me when I say that we know you play them too.  You test us.  You ask us the same question repeatedly in many variations.  You seek direction from your friends, inviting them into something that you should only be sharing with us.  You use your feminine wilds to seduce us and persuade our thinking.  You try to make us jealous.  You get angry at us for no reason, in hopes that we’ll offer a confession to something you believe we’re guilty of.  You’ll even stop speaking to us to guilt us into a well of shame. 

Your obsession with monitoring the direction and intensity of a relationship will take over the free spirit of what you and your lover began with.  You have a need to know where the union is headed next.  Soon your clock will start ticking. 

Cease to take control of the reins and let nature do the driving.  When you demand too much control, you relinquish your desire to relax, therefore scratching the sandpaper against the pavement of your romantic journey.   

Shut up 1Sharing is good, but not too much.  RULE #3 ladies.  We love to see you.  We love to hear how your day is going, but there is no need to cram a novel’s worth of information down our throats as soon as you get a chance.  Give us a break.  We are under a lot of pressure, too.  It’s not necessary to give us the details of your brand new BCBG dress or your DKNY shoes.  We don’t care about what your coworker’s neighbor said to the gardener who lives around the corner from some old lady’s church pastor. 

 Shut up 2The more details you give, the deeper the hole you dig for our interest.  “Shut up…” is what we’re thinking.  After about 30 seconds, our attention span has moved on to something else.  You are now wasting your breath and annoying the hell out of us.  Besides, the more you share, the more you’ll want us to share.  Men are private by nature.  We are protectors of our own.  We are shielded and guarded like tortoises in a pit.  We do not share the details of our lives because we must guard them as if we were in a war; a battle for survival. 

It is important to let a man let down his guard for you.  If you aim all of your ammunition at us, you are not breaking us down.  You are forcing us to assess the strategy of your offense.  Stop asking questions and let the answers unfold.   Bottom line…know when to the shut the hell up! 

What I’ve given you are the top three fail-safe relationships rules.   Following these rules will get you past the three-month mark.   Let’s review:

  1. Relax.
  2. Don’t assume all men are stupid.
  3. Know when to shut up.   

If you’ve kept up with this far, then you have a head start in the dating game, fresh from a man’s perspective.  Because I like to see people happy and their relationships healthy, I’m going to give you a few more tips on how to avoid f*cking up a good thing with a man.  It’s a fairly short list, considering we are not that complicated however, this little insight may save you a lot of lonely Friday nights.  

To avoid eating a slice of “Men’s Chocolate Layered Hate” cake:  

  • Do not ask what we are thinking.

thinking 2If we want you to know what we’re thinking, we’ll tell you.  Asking us what is on our minds does not make us want to share it with you.  You are violating our space.  You are breaking down our wall.  You are throwing live hand grenades at us in hopes to destroy our hardened shell that we were all born with.  You are grabbing our nuts and removing our manhood to transfer it yourselves.  Stop.  Think about what you are doing or consider the lie  you will tell your friends about your upcoming breakup. 

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  •  Do not ask us about our bills. 

billsHow do I even say this gently?  Mind your damn business!  Asking us about our bills is intrusive, rude and not respected.  We would rather drink live snake venom than to discuss our bills with you.  We know this is a way that most people get into the amount of their mate’s bank account to calculate the next few years of their life.  RED FLAG ALERT:  This is a dead give away that you are obvious, sneaky and nosy and you must be destroyed. 

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  •  Do not ask too many questions. 

questionsBy nature we do stupid things like ignore traffic signals, run old people over with our cars or knock off liquor stores.  The less you know, the safer you are and the happier we’ll be.  Each day that we have not been pulled over by the police or confronted by our supervisors is a day of relief.  Please do not ruin a good day by asking us the details of any situation we tried so hard not to tell you, to begin with.  As in Rule #3, know when to shut the f*ck up! 

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  •  Do not reach for our food or ask to share our plate. 

hands off 1If you value the use of your fingers, you will not reach for anything off our plates.  This includes French fries, pickles, potato chips and shrimp.  When we take you out to dinner, whether it’s a 5-star dine-in eatery with French wine or the corner fast food drive-thru, where you can super-size your order, here’s your chance to order anything you want off the menu.  If something intrigues you off our plate, then that’s what you should order the next time we go out.  Cannon balling your fingers into our plate is rude, insensitive and unsanitary.  Do not do it.  It is mean and thoughtless and we will not forgive you for it. 

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  •  Do not ask us to move in.

privacyWe enjoy our own space.  We want to be able to leave our dirty socks all over the house and not have to worry about your asking us to clean it up.  We like to eat bologna sandwiches and leave the toilet seat up and we relish in our moments of silence – free of questions, obsessions, nagging and sappy emotions.  We pride ourselves in our control over the sports channel and porn.  Grant us our privacy.  Do not sink us in the river with weights by asking us to listen to your whiny voices and force upon our eyes, the wretched sight of you without makeup and mismatched rollers in your hair.

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  •  Do not leave anything at our house.

innocent 2We hate this!  You know damn well what you are doing.  We are well aware that you are marking your territory; setting booby traps just in case another female crosses our threshold.  What you do not know is that we prepare for this.  We have infrared scanning tools to detect suspicious activity, such as this.  Every man also owns a secret vault to hide your left-behinds.  

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  •  Do not ask us to pick up your personal feminine products.

padsNothing says “insult his manhood” more than asking a man to pick up your personal female products from the store.  I don’t think any further explanation is quite needed here.  If you want to ensure that your lover does not go off and jump in front of a bus, do not ask him to commit this relationship crime. 

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  • Do not say, “I love you” too soon. 

dontlovemeWe are probably unsure if our involvement with you will last three months, especially if you have defied any of the above mentioned most hated violations.  Saying that you love us is equivalent to drawing a shotgun.  If we love you, we will tell you at our own pace.  Do not attempt to speed up the “I love you’s.”  It will not change the perception of what we feel.  Slow down, be patient and let us express our emotions to you.  Booty calls are our weakness.  Instead of telling us you love us, wear sexier lingerie and perform tricks that will make our toes curl.  This is a much safer and appreciated approach to the lovey-dovey bulls*hit. 

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             In conclusion ladies, stop putting a timer and a lo-jack on the relationship.  Chill out and see where things go.  Find out what you could be in store for.  It could be a fun ride.  The fun part isn’t arriving at your destination.  It’s the journey getting there. 

I hope I haven’t offended too many women out there in reader-land.  To all who have learned something, and for those of you who haven’t learned a damn thing, come back anytime to check me out.  As long as it’s before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone before then, I’ll cut your ass.  You can bet your bottom dollar on that. 

Until next time my little stale packs of M&Ms.   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started! 

 

Quote of the week:     “You can lead a dog to a toilet, but you can’t teach him to sh*t there.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 2-6, 2009

crystal ballSo lately you’ve been having anxiety attacks, Your dreams are strangely realistic and they are coincidentally coming to fruition.  You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when something weird is about to happen.  What do you?  You ask Hottywood to pull out his crystal ball and see what the future holds for you. 

Not everyone has been blessed with the gift of foresight.  Luckily, I have.  As I gaze into the realm of the next moon, I am guided by the light to tell you that you are not clairvoyant, as I.  According to the stars, those culminating dreams you are having is nothing more than gas and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is just the armpits of the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed through the four elements of the earth.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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CapricornCapricorn

December 22 – January 19

Tomorrow you will wake and realize you have no clean socks.  Avoid opened toed shoes, sandals and people with white carpet.  Be cautioned that someone will smell your feet a mile away and will probably attack you with a machete.  Also, eggs will give you a gas. 

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AquariusAquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your colleagues will make fun of you behind your back.  Check your armpits.  Avoid telling long, drawn out stories or jokes and plan to work only a half day.  Chances are you are about to get fired and you will need time to collect cardboard boxes to hold the supplies you will steal from the supply closet.       

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PiscesPisces

February 19 – March 20 

Your girlfriend will stop having sex with you this week.  She is seeing someone way hotter than you are.  Your luck has not changed.  Buy another bottle of lube, a six pack of beer and life supply of Xanax.  It’s going to be a long week. 

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AriesAries

March 21 – April 19

You will drop your cell phone in the toilet just after you’ve scored a #2.  Purchase a samurai sword.  You will need it to chop your hand off.  Also avoid airplanes, rubber stamps and kittens. 

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taurusTaurus

April 20 – May 20

Today you will consider drinking bleach as you are finally asked out by what seems to be the last man on earth.   The date will be a disaster…or not.  Avoid sunlight, Dr. Pepper and general tso’s chicken.  Friday your paycheck will be garnished, but tacos will be on sale – 2 for the price of 1. 

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geminiGemini

May 21 – June 20

You will receive a third warning eviction notice today.  Check with your neighbor’s kids to make sure they did not hide the first two; either way you’re pretty screwed.  Start packing and practice crying.  It’s not sure to gain you sympathy, but you’ll look funny to all the people who turned down your request to bunk with them. 

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cancerCancer

June 21 – July 22

The word “Terry” will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very question of who the hell “Terry” is.

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LeoLeo

July 23 – August 22

Apologize to your supervisor before 10.  By noon you will have scotch-taped her stilettos to the radiator.  More doors are opening.  Welcome security guards with open arms.

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VirgoVirgo

August 23 – September 22

Avoid the law.  Stay away from policemen, mall cops and crossing guards.  They all carry pepper spray and have big feet.  Today you are a walking “kick me” sign.  Your breath will stink and tic-tacs will be sold out across the nation.   Your soulmate is waiting outside your door, wearing a hockey mask.

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libraLibra

September 23 – October 22

Sometimes the only way to succeed is by murdering the entire board of directors.  Today is your lucky day.  Pack a bologna sandwich.

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scorpioScorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will get a good look at your one-night stand during the morning light and decide to give up tequila.  You should call in sick because your house will be robbed.  That one-night stand is an ex-con.   Invest in barbed wire.

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saggitariusSaggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Anything someone says today that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you ugly bastard.  Bullets are on sale.

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Quote of the Week:       “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009