How To Spot a Liar: Catching a Mofo in the Act

Humans are by nature, trusting – and prone to be fooled by more attractive, innocent-looking faces. Still, humans are also by nature intelligent: and can learn a few tips to ensure they AREN’T being fooled.

Last night I went to the carry-out to get my usual #5 [combination lo mein and 2 egg rolls]. When I pulled out my money to pay for the meal, the cashier, a cute little Asian woman with long dark hair and the longest eye lashes I’ve ever seen, insisted that my bill was $2.15 more than usual.

“What the hell?!” Those long ass eye lashes must have blocked her vision as she was punching those numbers on the calculator pad. I’ve memorized the menu at the carry-out – and its prices and sales tax. I smelled a rat…no pun intended.

I don’t know where you’re from, but where I come from, people aren’t as frivolous as the rich folk in Bel Air. When I questioned Mingh Le on the sudden increase in price for my meal, her eyes shifted. The pitch in her voice raised an octave and her fangs grew long enough for me to mistake her for a character in the movie ‘Twilight’. This winch was lying to me!

Naturally I stood in the center of the carry-out, with all of the customers standing behind me to witness the scene as I yelled, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Mingh Le, you are guilty and I’m about to pull your card and all of your kind…”

You can pretty much guess how that whole thing turned out.

The moral of this story is not that I received my order AND a complementary egg roll and jumbo iced-tea/lemonade mix, all for the price I would have normally paid; the moral is that you too can catch a lying mutha effer in the act if you only know what to look for.

Below are Hottywood’s tips on going all Sherlock Holmes and detecting if someone is lying to you. Pay close attention. These tips will save you a headache the next time you’re caught in a situation where you believe someone is stretching the truth.

First thing you gotta do is learn how to put your hormones in your back pocket. Pretty or handsome faces are likely to fool you into thinking the person is more trustworthy. Con artists, dates, and relationship partners are more prone to convince you they’re telling the truth. If you suspect you’re being lied to, don’t pick up a scorching hot cup of coffee to douse the liar with.  Instead, wave away those stars in your eyes and pay attention. 

Liars don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Especially pretty liars. Most people, like you, are closeted horn dogs and are thinking some wool covered sexual thoughts and are too distracted to see that they’re being told something that’s not completely true. Snap out of it! You’re not getting any…so redirect your focus and take control.

Once you’ve gained your ground like a player on a football field, you mustn’t be fooled by the stereotypes. Not all liars blink, dart their eyes away from you, rub their noses, or shift uncomfortably. In fact, practiced liars don’t do any of these things. They’ll give you a good, firm, look in the eye and feed you the most crystallized bullsh*t you’ve ever heard.

To get to know whether someone is lying to you, what you have to do is pay attention to their mannerisms. Ask yourself if this is a person who USUALLY rubs their nose, shifts uncomfortably, or darts their eyes? If this is normal behavior for them, then pay attention to DIFFERENT behavior.  Are they sweating perfusely, stuttering or farting excessively? 

Physical gestures will be limited and stiff and you will observe a minimum of arm and hand movements. The hand, arm and leg movement you do notice will be directed toward their own body, indicating that they are subconsciously trying not to draw attention to themselves, but to their words.  Though hog-tying and horse whipping sounds like a good idea, pull out a flashlight instead, and aim the flash directly onto their face to see if they crack under pressure.  This may be a little drastic for most, considering most people don’t carry spare flashlights, but it’ll definitely cut through all the red tape. If that doesn’t work, throw the perjurer against a wall and threaten to beat the truth out of them. 

Patience is a virtue.  Remember that cliche’ five minutes before you beat the cheat to a pulp.  Get them to talk a little.  Grill them like a hamburger.  Listen carefully for lack of detail in a story…or too much detail. A liar will want to sell you on the lie and will often be more verbose in explanations or answers. Silence or pauses in the conversation will be uncomfortable to them because they feel what they have said is being examined, therefore they will tend to interject into those normal conversational pauses with unnecessary details. This is a form of distraction to reduce scrutiny. Politicians and cheating mates are most commonly known to sink in this quicksand of a trap.

Since their story is being made up on the spot, casually get the liar to repeat the story by asking questions.  If your suspicions are true and you are being lied to, details of the story will be inconsistent. In the case of too many specifics, this will be obvious, because the liar will be talking way too much. Eye movements can tell you where the answer you are getting is originating. When someone is recalling information from memory as an answer to your question, their eyes will tend to look to their right. However if the answer is being created on the spot, the eyes will tend to look to their left.

We have all heard it said that the eyes are the window to the soul … the liar prefers to not have anyone peeking in those windows.

MORE DETECTIONS OF A LIAR

If challenged on some point or issue, a liar will immediately become defensive, whereas someone telling the truth will be more inclined to show offense and will be on the offensive to protect their honor and/or credibility. A liar will also feel discomfort when challenged and will often turn his or her head or body away from you.  A skilled liar will flip the script and put you at fault.  This is a mofo that’ll need to be slapped after you’ve pulled their card.

If you change the subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed because they are relieved to be out of that ‘spot light.’ A truthful person is likely be confused by the sudden change of topic and will want to return to the previous subject. This can be a test if you are suspicious that you are being lied to.  Don’t hold a knife to the throat until you’re completely sure whether or not you’re being deceived.

As a form of distraction, liar’s will often attempt to inject humor or sarcasm to avoid or even belittle a subject, or sometimes even the questioner …under that circumstance the liar is attempting to regain control by a form of subtle and indirect intimidation.

Don’t fall for it.  It’s nothing but a bunch of bullsh*t.  A crock.  A hoax.  A sham.  A jig.  Do you see where I’m going with this? 

Anyhoo, there it is. All spelled out in black and white. If you watch out for these simple signs, you’ll be able to spot a liar a mile away. You can avoid them like a bad pot of chitterlings. In fact, chitterlings and liars have something in common: they both stink.

Take a little time to get to know the characteristics of a liar. You can outsmart them before they outsmart you. All it takes is a little effort.  And like I always say, 90% of any effort is getting started.

 

Quote of the Week:    “Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Nov. 29-Dec. 5, 2009

Peek-a-boo!  Let’s see what Hottywood has in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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 Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be remembered for one thing this week; FARTING.  It will not be a good week for romance.  Lay off the cheese.

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

One of your front teeth will be more yellow than humanly possible.  You should make friends with a Capricorn.  Lonliness is the one thing you two will have in common. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You’ll think you’ve been bitten by a swarm of mosquitos.  Rest assured, it’s just bad acne.  Get an extra brown paper bag from the market to cover your face.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

1 and 2 will be your lucky numbers if your name is Sam, otherwise 1 is the number of booty calls you’ll get this week and 2 is the number of times you’ll be pulled over by a mall cop.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s good news and there’s bad news.  The good news is someone will throw raw eggs at your front door.  The bad news is that you’ll be standing in the doorway.  Avoid anyone named ‘Karma’. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll be expected to give a presentation to a bunch of midgets.  You will also only be attractive to people with mustaches, three breasts and straight out of the big house.  Don’t wear perfume or cologne.  Good luck.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your lover will be horny as a toad this week…just not for you.  Start looking for an AA support group.  You’re gonna need it for the road ahead. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Someone will refer you to a position within a prestigious dog-walking firm.  The sad part is all dogs will pee on your shoes.  Your future boss will be a dog with two legs instead of four.  Make cautious decisions. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will lose two things this week:

  1.      1.  Your mind and
  2.      2.  Your, um….

I forgot. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your phone will be disconnected at the exact moment you climax during a phone bone.  The person on the other end will think you’re either uninterested or gay and will start rumors about you.  It’s time for a fresh start. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Any movie you view will be blank.  You will be considered a cheap date and an even worse lay.  Relax, you’re just having an off week.  Stay away from one eyed giants. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Your Christmas tree will lean for the entire month of December and your only holiday season lights will be the street lamps outside your bedroom window.  You may be tested for Athlete’s Foot by a dentist. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.”

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Top 20 Pet Peeves: ixNae the Annoying itShae

What is a pet peeve, you may wonder?  A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that can instill extreme frustration in an individual.   In other words, something so simple that it can irritate the sh*t out of you. 

Below are Hottywood’s TOP 20 PET PEEVES.  Beware.  If you’re caught in the hills of Hottywood violating anything on the pet peeves list, be prepared to get your ass kicked something good! 

HOTTYWOOD’S TOP 20 PET PEEVES:

Socks and Sandals. This is the devil.  If you wear socks and sandals, then your feet should be used as a target for an archery class. 

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Morning people.  Sometimes you just want to punch the hell out of them.

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When a smelly fat guy squeezes his fat ass into the only available seat next to you on the bus.  Jump out the window while the bus is still moving.  It’ll be painful, but a quick way to put you out of your misery.

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People who txt during a date. Karate chopping would be my first suggestion, otherwise let them know you’re just as bored with them as they are with you.  Pinch your nose tightly until you pass out from lack of oxygen.

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Not having enough quarters to do laundry. When in doubt, crawl inside the washing maching and dance on top of your clothes, creating your own soap suds. 

Trust me, it’s more fun if you do it this way.  Just make sure your feet are clean.  __________________________________________________________

People who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.  I’m sure I’m not the only person who wishes that unsanitary person would punch himself in the face with his germ infested fist.  

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People who stink. Pee on them.  There’s no doubt they will take cleanliness a little more seriously after that.    

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People who drive below the speed limit.  I’ll tell you what; set their car on fire and make the slow mutha effer walk! 

Let’s see how long it takes ’em to get to their destination now

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People who ride their bikes in the middle of the street.  There’s only one way to settle the score. 

STRIKE!!! 

If this doesn’t work, nothing will.

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Anyone who says “Hammer Time” after they’ve heard the word “STOP.” 

They should be put to an end just like MC Hammer’s career. 

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Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.  

Karma’s a bitch! 

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People that pop and smack their chewing gum.  Throw a lighted match on their hair. I promise you they’ll stop popping their gum.  

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Anyone who does this in public.  It’s just wrong on so many levels. 

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When you can’t tell if someone is male or female.  We get it already, you like to play dress up.  But come on, there is a such thing as too much. 

Is anyone else confused about her him – THIS??? 

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People who leave the door open when they go to the bathroom. If you know anyone who does this nasty sh*t, flush them down the damn toilet, please and thank you. 

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When you’re invited to a party with people you have never met, and the host doesn’t introduce you to anyone.  

Personally, I’d rather shoot myself in the foot.  Next time, stay home and count your hair follicles.   

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When someone with a full cart of groceries gets into the 10 items or less line. This basic rule of grocery store etiquette was covered in the Grocery Shopping Handbook for Dummies. 

A good karate kick to the back of the collar bone will put an end to this madness.    

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When someone leaves their phone number at the end of a long message and they say it so fast you can’t understand it and have to listen multiple times to figure it out. 

Don’t bother to listen.  Simply toss the phone into the nearest trash can and keep on moving.  If it isn’t Jesus calling, the message can’t be that important.   

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People who chew with their mouth open.  Chew on this! 

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Anyone who gets on an elevator and stares at another passenger for a while, then yells “You’re one of THEM!” and moves to the far corner of the elevator. 

…for obvious reasons. 

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So there you have it, people!  Hottywood’s Top 20 Pet Peeves.   Please don’t get caught with your tail between your legs attempting to violate any of the above mentioned crimes.  Because if someone catches you, they are liable to tie you to a tree and use you as “bazooka” practice!  And if Hottywood catches you…well let me just remind you that he likes sharp objects and things that go BOOM! 

If you are by chance an idiot who is guilty of anything listed above, then you’d better get off your ass and make some changes.  You can do it.  90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the Week:     “I don’t have pet peeves.  I have whole kennels of irritation.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood.2009

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 22-28, 2009

Ever wondered if you could change your luck if you knew what your future held?  Well guess what, Hottywood can help! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your french fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

None of your booty calls will answer their phones this week. Cold showers and porn will be God’s way of telling you He still cares.  Stay strong.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Hot chicks will flirt with you even if you are a woman but they will only have one eye brow. Beware of one-heeled polar bears and hairless puppies. Someone will piss you off all week. Buy insect repellent and rope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Do you like cold pastrami on molded pumpernickel bread with brown lettuce and government cheese?

…me neither.

Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that will make tomorrow better. Good luck.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Am Amish person will invite you to a polka dance and your paycheck will be short $58.13. Your grocery bill will be sky high and your bank account will be negative (-)$58.25.  Wear a paper bag over your broke ass head.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Goat cheese is your enemy. Your supervisor will not get laid this week and will take it out on you. Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state. Buy some paperclips. They are sharp and inconspicuous.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A little birdie is going to tell you you look fat. Purchase a new baking dish, you’re going to have chicken all week. Count to 5 backwards three times in your sleep.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You won’t win any congeniality awards this week because you are selfish, rude and right about everything. You’re going to have a good week because no one will want to be around you to get on your nerves. Use your time wisely to reflect on how arrogant you are.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This week you will be cursed with slouchy socks and extra tart morning breath. Avoid the subway. Everyone will view you as a moving target.

EVERYONE.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Invest in a plus-sized vocalist association. Your lover will stop being an ass only when the fat lady sings.  

…let me know how that works out for you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Any gift you receive will be broken. Then again you may not receive a gift at all so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Christmas will be better for you as long as anyone who might give you a gift this week does not give you a damn thing for Christmas.

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Quote of the Week:    “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

Why Aren’t We F**king Anymore?

WHY THE SEX STOPS WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS

Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”

Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”

I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.

I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another.  Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.

Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.

The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”

Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well. 

There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think.  Follow along and learn something:

One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  Get off your ass and clean up.  Help with the dishes.  Put away your dirty underwear.  Take out the trash.  Put down those chocolates.  Get off the damn phone.  Pick up the kids once in while. 

You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy.  It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.” 

No affection.  Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation.  It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets.  Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points.  It’s okay to go the extra mile.  No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.   

Lack of Communication.  Communication is key!  If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower.  Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly.  CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.   

Too needy.  The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone.  Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable. 

Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together.  Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official.  So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any?  If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.   

You are now too comfortable.  Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material.  You’re more like siblings. 

Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up.  You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.   

You’ve let yourself go.  Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place.  Men, shave your wolfed out beard.  Ladies, shave your armpits.  Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official.  Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you.  Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.   

Boredom.  It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine.  This is a sure way to lose interest.  You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up.  Explore new positions and places to be intimate.  Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in.  No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options? 

Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.  Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss.  Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out.  You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself.  This is worse than being needy.  

Someone can do it better.  I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’  POW!   

Your partner just isn’t into you anymore.  You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more.  There’s not much you can do to fix that.  Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone.  And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place.  It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality.  Deal with it.   

To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together.  You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege.  And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.

Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it.  Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are. 

Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:

  • Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol. 
  • Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
  • Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.  In other words, masturbate.  This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other.  When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
  • Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN!  Hey, it’s a form art. 
  • Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.  Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else.  This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours. 
  • Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:

“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.

You want sex? Go  f*ck yourself!  I’m too tired.”

Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started.  So hop to it! 

 

Quote of the week:       “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”

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20 Reasons & Ways to Kick Morning’s Ass

Morning should be really lucky that it’s not a human being, because if it was, there is no doubt that it would get its ass kicked regularly!  Oh Morning, how you are unloved by many, especially by me! 

For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start.  However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes.  Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you!  I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.

Dear Morning, if you were a person:

(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn.  _________________________________________________________

(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light.  _________________________________________________________

(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers.  Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing.  _________________________________________________________

(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window.  _________________________________________________________

(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________

(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes.  _________________________________________________________

(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door.  _________________________________________________________

(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.

_________________________________________________________

(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense.  _________________________________________________________

(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change. 

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(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time. 

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(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.

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(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me.  _________________________________________________________

(14) I would violently blame you for Starbucks running out of espresso shots.

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(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously.  Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.

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(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.

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(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.

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(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting. 

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(19) I would ram you in the stomach like a raging bull for drinking all the water from the water cooler just as soon as my mouth feels like I’ve swallowed a bag full of cotton.

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(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service. 

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I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass.  But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma!  At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon.  Afternoon is my friend, unlike you. 

Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street.  If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction.  I have no doubt that I would pummel you.  All it takes is a little creativity and  effort.  And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started! 

So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open. 

 

Quote of the week:   “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that there are certain behaviors that one should exude in church.  You lightning2should be reverent and respectful and keep your txt messaging to a minimum. 

If you aren’t Twittering or sending txt messages to God, then you need to be paying attention to the minister, unless he’s totally boring and has no idea what the difference is between the Old Testament and the New.  Otherwise, the following behavior is permissible in church.  But you didn’t hear it from Hottywood.  Far be it from me to give you a one-way pass straight to hell (unless you piss me off, then I’m giving tickets away for free). 

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The Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church

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Bingo(1) Don’t stand up and shout “Bingo!” during service.  The clergy staff will not like it and you’ll be expected to give more money to the collection plate.  Sister Mary Louise may also be upset you didn’t invite her. 

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Communion(2) Don’t drink 10 shots of communion wine.  This screams rehab!  The attention you’ll get from doing this is quite the opposite of a room full of drunks screaming “Chug-a-lug,” unless your church service is held in the back of the corner liquor store. 

 That is the only exception to the rule. 

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wine(3) Don’t bring your own bottle for communion.  Bringing your own bottle says two things about you.  (1) You’re a lush and (2) you’re selfish.  Next time, bring enough for everyone. 

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slapped(4) Don’t hit on the preacher’s wife.  Trust me, this never ends well.  Either she’ll slap you or the preacher will do it for her…one way or another you’re getting slapped.  Carry plenty of Vaseline.  It’ll soften the blow.  

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(5) Don’t drop it like it’s hot when catching the Holy Ghost.  This is a one-way ticket straight to hell (where the party never stops…nor does the consistent sweating).  

Besides, your pores are probably still open and you wreak of alcohol and cigarette smoke.  Do yourself a favor and sit your ass down. 

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                                                                                                                                                       (6) Don’t throw tomatoes at the childrens’ choir.  We know kids are cute and all, but their singing is another story.  Even though you may want to cut your ears off with the edges of your church bulletin, they are still kids. 

Save the tomatoes for the parents who keep telling you how talented their untalented children are. 

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dontmakemecomedownthere(7) Don’t change your cell phone ringtone to “Pop that Pussy” during prayer unless you just really really like that song.  I know I do.  Actually, you’d be surprised at the number of old people who have provocative ring tones on their cellies.  However, just to be safe…

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sleepinchurch(8) Don’t snore in church, especially if you’re the preacher.  If you’re leading by example, the whole damn church will be asleep (which might work out okay for the heathens that just got in from the club).   

…see below.

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miniskirt 2(9) Don’t go straight to church from the club.  Truth be told, most churches say, “Come as you are,” so why not?  I’m sure the deacons won’t mind. 

…their wives are a different story.

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(10) Don’t forget where you are when it’s time for your solo.   Church is a place for worship, not trying to score a record deal.  Don’t be a skank.  Some people may not get into it, but you can blame the heavy breathing and stripping on catching the Holy Ghost.  Just watch out for lightning bolts and paramedics as they come to administer CPR to those old folks who drop dead during your performance.  *Although what better place to have a funeral than at church, right?

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There you have it folks.  The top 10 things you should NOT do in church.  I won’t tell you how I know these things.  I told you I’m a plethera of information.  If you have a problem with it, take it up with Jesus!  

P.S.,

Is there room in your church for me?  Because once my pastor sees this, I’m getting booted out of mine! 

Until next time my little onion flavored wood chips.  Feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone anytime before then, I’ll cut your ass.  If you don’t believe me, try me!   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:     “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009