So lately you’ve been having anxiety attacks, Your dreams are strangely realistic and they are coincidentally coming to fruition. You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when something weird is about to happen. What do you? You ask Hottywood to pull out his crystal ball and see what the future holds for you.
Not everyone has been blessed with the gift of foresight. Luckily, I have. As I gaze into the realm of the next moon, I am guided by the light to tell you that you are not clairvoyant, as I. According to the stars, those culminating dreams you are having is nothing more than gas and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is just the armpits of the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed through the four elements of the earth.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
Tomorrow you will wake and realize you have no clean socks. Avoid opened toed shoes, sandals and people with white carpet. Be cautioned that someone will smell your feet a mile away and will probably attack you with a machete. Also, eggs will give you a gas.
January 20 – February 18
Your colleagues will make fun of you behind your back. Check your armpits. Avoid telling long, drawn out stories or jokes and plan to work only a half day. Chances are you are about to get fired and you will need time to collect cardboard boxes to hold the supplies you will steal from the supply closet.
February 19 – March 20
Your girlfriend will stop having sex with you this week. She is seeing someone way hotter than you are. Your luck has not changed. Buy another bottle of lube, a six pack of beer and life supply of Xanax. It’s going to be a long week.
March 21 – April 19
You will drop your cell phone in the toilet just after you’ve scored a #2. Purchase a samurai sword. You will need it to chop your hand off. Also avoid airplanes, rubber stamps and kittens.
April 20 – May 20
Today you will consider drinking bleach as you are finally asked out by what seems to be the last man on earth. The date will be a disaster…or not. Avoid sunlight, Dr. Pepper and general tso’s chicken. Friday your paycheck will be garnished, but tacos will be on sale – 2 for the price of 1.
May 21 – June 20
You will receive a third warning eviction notice today. Check with your neighbor’s kids to make sure they did not hide the first two; either way you’re pretty screwed. Start packing and practice crying. It’s not sure to gain you sympathy, but you’ll look funny to all the people who turned down your request to bunk with them.
June 21 – July 22
The word “Terry” will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very question of who the hell “Terry” is.
July 23 – August 22
Apologize to your supervisor before 10. By noon you will have scotch-taped her stilettos to the radiator. More doors are opening. Welcome security guards with open arms.
August 23 – September 22
Avoid the law. Stay away from policemen, mall cops and crossing guards. They all carry pepper spray and have big feet. Today you are a walking “kick me” sign. Your breath will stink and tic-tacs will be sold out across the nation. Your soulmate is waiting outside your door, wearing a hockey mask.
September 23 – October 22
Sometimes the only way to succeed is by murdering the entire board of directors. Today is your lucky day. Pack a bologna sandwich.
October 23 – November 21
You will get a good look at your one-night stand during the morning light and decide to give up tequila. You should call in sick because your house will be robbed. That one-night stand is an ex-con. Invest in barbed wire.
November 22 – December 21
Anything someone says today that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you ugly bastard. Bullets are on sale.
Quote of the Week: “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.”
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