Ass-Whooping: A Brain Deficiency Defined

leave me alone 2So you’re ex won’t take “No” for an answer, eh?  Someone owes you money and they aren’t grasping the concept of “Leave me alone before I body-slam your ass!”  And now you’re searching for an understanding of why your message isn’t getting across.   Well search no more.  Have I got the answer for you!   

It’s common.  We’ve all gone through it.  If you haven’t, you will.  You’ve told your ex to take a hike and they just don’t seem to let go.  What do you do? 

Let’s begin by naming the problem for what it really is.  Researchers have discovered that the point just before a person gets his or her ass whooped does in fact have a medical term.   Selective Lingual Comprehension.  I know…I know…you’ve probably never heard of this before.  Doctors are still researching the term and its cause.  But I have experienced its effect.  And though there is no known cure for this disease, I can help you identify it and steer you from a poor innocent soul who has been stricken with such a case.

What is Selective Lingual Comprehension?

memory loss 1Selective Lingual Comprehension (SLC), most commonly found in Americans or those who have been living in the states for a number of years, is a disturbance in the memory of stored information of variable durations and causes a victim to forget basic meaning of words and phrases.  It is a rare side effect of a person who loses certain parts of his/her memory after being abruptly evicted from a house (usually after a one-night stand or a bad lay) or a owes a financial debt.  Not much is known about this disease because it only results when certain areas of the head has been traumatized, when a debt is owed, or when the ego has been bruised.   

What are the symptoms of Selective Lingual Comprehension?

There are common elements in identifying people with this untreatable illness.  Those elements are not identified however, until after you’ve loaned them money or screwed them unmercifully in an inebriated or vulnerable rant.  Common symptoms are:

  • Refusing to accept a break up
  • Forgetting to repay a debt
  • Inventing false truths
  • Borrowing a car without permission

The list continues, but these are enough to get you started. 

What triggers Selective Lingual Comprehension and how can I avoid someone who has it?

Dollar signIt takes a small act of interest in the victim to set this mind boggling time bomb off in their brain.  If you have loaned them money, they will suddenly view you as a First National Bank.  They will continue to beg you for funds as if they are homeless or hooked on some obscene controlled substance like mushrooms or pre-mixed long island iced teas.  Before you shoot them in the esophagus with a bb gun, try telling them to hit the road or suggest they stand in front of a moving bus.  If they continue to ask you to loan them anything other than an envelope filled with anthrax, be prepared to “just say no” in an as many languages as your small little mind can retain.  Remember, they will unconsciously forget the English terms for rejection and/or acute threats, therefore flashlighting the key elements of the disease.  If you have loaned a SLC patient money, even if only once, that is the only thing they will see and remember.  You are now a living ATM machine and they will continue to withdraw from you until you have been dragged kicking and screaming to the poor house, arrested or murdered.  They do not understand the American meaning of the word, “no.”  Even death is a little grim. 

morning afterIf you have bedded an SLC casualty more than once, then you’re probably screwed.  Chances are they have lost all comprehension of rejecting words and will view anything you say as a ploy to get them back into the bedroom.  …or back seat of your car…depending on where and how good the first and second lay was.  Telling them “it’s over” is pointless.  A person who suffers from SLC will no longer recognize words such as “no” or “get lost.”  They will only interpret those references as “please” and “what time should I call you?” 

You must not get upset.  You mustn’t let yourself be consumed with a problem that has not yet been proven to be treatable.  If you have humped a person who suffers from selective language comprehension and have denied their requests for another delve into your god-given goodness, you should be knowledgeable of how to “just say no” in languages other than English, just as I have described for someone who owes a financial debt.  This will ensure that they get the message.  Once they have unconsciously forgotten the English pronunciation and definition of the word “no,” you should be armed with bilingual alternatives. The video below will give you a few examples.  Read them.  Study them.  Learn them.   If these examples still do not help you, result to violence.  Just consider making that your last option, unless your name rhymes with BottyhoodBelts.



shadow boxingIf your preferred choice of international kiss-offs still carry no effect on the inflicted, punching always works.  Black eyes and broken ribs are just as much universal languages as music and art.  Purchase a pair of brass knuckles and shadow box every morning to sharpen your skills.  You will most likely meet a SLC martyr sooner rather than later.  Good defenses and weapons will be comforting and reliable if you are caught in a dark alley with a delusional gambit of the SLC condition. 

HidingWhen all else fails.  Hide.  Hide inside your file cabinet at your job.  Stock up on perishable foods and water and barricade the doors and windows of your home with 2x4s and barbed wire.  Surround yourself with vicious dogs and keep a reliable battery operated radio close by so you will not have to leave your home for any reason or as little as possible. 

Keep in mind that these are not proven facts to get rid of a person with selective lingual comprehension.  The alternative language(s) you choose to say “no,” “leave me the hell alone” or “kill yourself” are not guarantees that your offender will understand your denunciation…but it will be a step in the right direction. 

If my advice does not work, I will personally loan my shot gun to anyone who needs it.  I have plenty to spare, so don’t hesitate to ask.  I am as generous with my weapons as I am with my advice. 

On that note, I will get my walking shoes and skidattle.  Remember that you are always welcomed to stop by and check me out as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  Yes I will. 

Until next time my little chocolate sprinkled camel humps!  Don’t forget that 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:   “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t don’t really matter.”

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