Is your week falling to crap just as soon as you wake up and you don’t know why?  Look to the stars over the hills of Hottywood. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including midgets and clowns.  Do as deer hunters do and rub fresh deer droppings on the bottom of your shoes. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Go with the flow and let people take advantage of you this week. It will give you an excuse to throw stink bombs in all the bathrooms at your place of employment.  Your lucky number is 911.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20 

Biscuits can provide a pleasurable sensation to you this week.  You will discover you are a weirdo and a pervert.  You’ll probably like it.  Beware of Capricorns and clowns. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Hat buying could serve you well today as your hair is likely to fall out.  Avoid purple PT Cruisers and rabbit fur.  You may be getting extra work piled on you, but think of it as an opportunity to shine…or the calm just before you kick someone’s ass.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

All the time you spent on learning a foreign language is never going to pay off.  You’ll have a better chance taking up Pig Latin.  You will be exceptionally clumsy this week and might even drop your toothbrush into the dog’s water dish.  It’s going to be a rough week.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a f*ck about anyone. Most people are afraid of you.  Don’t change. This is your lucky day.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today your underwear will fit unusually snug.  This will cause you to be bittered and angry.  Your chances of getting a promotion are imminent.  You should wear shrunken underwear more often.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are the adventurous type – always looking for thrills and willing to try anything.  You’re so stupid. Stay away from monkeys and bridges.  You are stupid enough to do whatever monkeys do and dumb enough to jump off a bridge if someone tells you to.  Take up a hobby.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope.  Other people are not as crazy as you are.   Oh yeah, the time is upon you and you will succeed or something like that.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your future may be tainted by a mistake in your past.  Now is the time for a new resolution.  Get a license for a gun or borrow one from the kid who lives next door.  Always remember children are our future.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import beastiality pornography and sex toys.  Your partner will want to make love in the back seat of the car.  They will want you to drive.

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Saggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Test yourself today by walking around nude.  If you do not trust this horoscope completely, clothe yourself in only the top half of your clothes.  Prepare to introduce yourself to the police and a new lover.  Caution: You new lover will have a record.

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Quote of the Week:       “The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

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