Are you wondering what your week has in store for you? Chicken wings? Stalled car engine? Dropping your last bite of Snickers on the ground?
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You and biscuits are going to be inseparable. There will be many reasons to ask someone to step outside. Stay away from pretzels. You’ll see.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Lighters are always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank. Apples will provide great stimulation for you…worms, not so much.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
“Thinking strategically” is a cop-out. You did what you did because you’re a selfish competitive little person. God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance. If you think you’re crazy, you are.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to market-places could leave you hot or stiff. Goldfish are cute. You will win the lottery 6 years from today.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Paper can cut, and words can hurt, which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox – preferably whilst still in the postman/woman’s hands.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Today might be tiring, but you will sleep easy at your desk just before your boss catches you. Avoid any “Past Due” notices.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today. Dogs can be a man’s best friend or a woman’s best friend. They could also be a child’s best friend, or a cat’s best friend. Dogs are totally flexible. You will begin to hate dogs.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Halitosis can be very painful. The end is more like the beginning than you’d think. Your lucky number is 666 or 613 (which translates to Friday 13). Feed a stray cat peanut butter and hide from PETA.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you think you’ve been harshly treated, please feel free to purchase a box full of Twitter Barbie dolls. Those dolls will remind you that things can be a lot worse.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There are always good reasons to ask a fellow human to “step outside”, and you may be forced to do this over the coming week. Don’t pet a snapping turtle and purchase any of the “Saw” movies.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“Sh*t” is not a cuss-word you want to use around the office. Many of your problems can be solved by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and perhaps tornadoes. All of your pens will run out of ink and “sh*t” will be your favorite word.
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Saggitarius
November 22 – December 21
Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after eating your last slice of cheese. The manner of an exit you make today may lead others to assume things of you. Wear a “F*ck You” sign on your back.
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Quote of the Week: “All people in favour of birth control are already born.”
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