Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that there are certain behaviors that one should exude in church.  You lightning2should be reverent and respectful and keep your txt messaging to a minimum. 

If you aren’t Twittering or sending txt messages to God, then you need to be paying attention to the minister, unless he’s totally boring and has no idea what the difference is between the Old Testament and the New.  Otherwise, the following behavior is permissible in church.  But you didn’t hear it from Hottywood.  Far be it from me to give you a one-way pass straight to hell (unless you piss me off, then I’m giving tickets away for free). 


The Top 10 Things NOT to do in Church


Bingo(1) Don’t stand up and shout “Bingo!” during service.  The clergy staff will not like it and you’ll be expected to give more money to the collection plate.  Sister Mary Louise may also be upset you didn’t invite her. 


Communion(2) Don’t drink 10 shots of communion wine.  This screams rehab!  The attention you’ll get from doing this is quite the opposite of a room full of drunks screaming “Chug-a-lug,” unless your church service is held in the back of the corner liquor store. 

 That is the only exception to the rule. 


wine(3) Don’t bring your own bottle for communion.  Bringing your own bottle says two things about you.  (1) You’re a lush and (2) you’re selfish.  Next time, bring enough for everyone. 


slapped(4) Don’t hit on the preacher’s wife.  Trust me, this never ends well.  Either she’ll slap you or the preacher will do it for her…one way or another you’re getting slapped.  Carry plenty of Vaseline.  It’ll soften the blow.  


(5) Don’t drop it like it’s hot when catching the Holy Ghost.  This is a one-way ticket straight to hell (where the party never stops…nor does the consistent sweating).  

Besides, your pores are probably still open and you wreak of alcohol and cigarette smoke.  Do yourself a favor and sit your ass down. 


                                                                                                                                                       (6) Don’t throw tomatoes at the childrens’ choir.  We know kids are cute and all, but their singing is another story.  Even though you may want to cut your ears off with the edges of your church bulletin, they are still kids. 

Save the tomatoes for the parents who keep telling you how talented their untalented children are. 


dontmakemecomedownthere(7) Don’t change your cell phone ringtone to “Pop that Pussy” during prayer unless you just really really like that song.  I know I do.  Actually, you’d be surprised at the number of old people who have provocative ring tones on their cellies.  However, just to be safe…


sleepinchurch(8) Don’t snore in church, especially if you’re the preacher.  If you’re leading by example, the whole damn church will be asleep (which might work out okay for the heathens that just got in from the club).   

…see below.


miniskirt 2(9) Don’t go straight to church from the club.  Truth be told, most churches say, “Come as you are,” so why not?  I’m sure the deacons won’t mind. 

…their wives are a different story.


(10) Don’t forget where you are when it’s time for your solo.   Church is a place for worship, not trying to score a record deal.  Don’t be a skank.  Some people may not get into it, but you can blame the heavy breathing and stripping on catching the Holy Ghost.  Just watch out for lightning bolts and paramedics as they come to administer CPR to those old folks who drop dead during your performance.  *Although what better place to have a funeral than at church, right?


There you have it folks.  The top 10 things you should NOT do in church.  I won’t tell you how I know these things.  I told you I’m a plethera of information.  If you have a problem with it, take it up with Jesus!  


Is there room in your church for me?  Because once my pastor sees this, I’m getting booted out of mine! 

Until next time my little onion flavored wood chips.  Feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone anytime before then, I’ll cut your ass.  If you don’t believe me, try me!   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 


Quote of the week:     “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”

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