For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start. However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes. Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you! I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.
Dear Morning, if you were a person:
(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn. _________________________________________________________
(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light. _________________________________________________________
(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers. Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing. _________________________________________________________
(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window. _________________________________________________________
(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________
(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes. _________________________________________________________
(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door. _________________________________________________________
(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.
(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense. _________________________________________________________
(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change.
(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time.
(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.
(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me. _________________________________________________________
(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously. Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.
(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.
(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.
(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting.
(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service.
I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass. But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma! At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon. Afternoon is my friend, unlike you.
Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street. If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction. I have no doubt that I would pummel you. All it takes is a little creativity and effort. And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started!
So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open.
Quote of the week: “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps