20 Reasons & Ways to Kick Morning’s Ass

Morning should be really lucky that it’s not a human being, because if it was, there is no doubt that it would get its ass kicked regularly!  Oh Morning, how you are unloved by many, especially by me! 

For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start.  However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes.  Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you!  I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.

Dear Morning, if you were a person:

(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn.  _________________________________________________________

(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light.  _________________________________________________________

(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers.  Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing.  _________________________________________________________

(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window.  _________________________________________________________

(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________

(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes.  _________________________________________________________

(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door.  _________________________________________________________

(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.


(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense.  _________________________________________________________

(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change. 


(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time. 


(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.


(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me.  _________________________________________________________

(14) I would violently blame you for Starbucks running out of espresso shots.


(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously.  Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.


(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.


(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.


(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting. 


(19) I would ram you in the stomach like a raging bull for drinking all the water from the water cooler just as soon as my mouth feels like I’ve swallowed a bag full of cotton.


(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service. 


I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass.  But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma!  At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon.  Afternoon is my friend, unlike you. 

Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street.  If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction.  I have no doubt that I would pummel you.  All it takes is a little creativity and  effort.  And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started! 

So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open. 


Quote of the week:   “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

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