WHY THE SEX STOPS WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS
Well I was the one who opened my big mouth and said I had all the answers and oh em gee was I put to the test. Someone asked me, “Hottywood, why is it that people stop having sex once they’ve gotten into a committed, monogamous relationship?”
Not only was I left dumbfounded by this astonishing question that makes absolutely no sense, I also broke the golden rule of answering a question with a question – “What the…???”
I went back and forth in my mind on how I would approach this. I decided to start by giving some statistics: Research indicates that over 55% of partners are not interested in having sex once a relationship has been set in motion.
I’ve spoken with a ton of men and women and have learned that the problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire – it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner for one reason or another. Though there is no definite answer to this question, I’m going to give you a few ideas of what the hell the problem is with these idiots who want to give up the most fun part of being in a relationship.
Before I break it down and kick some knowledge to you, let me begin by telling you the school-book definition of two fools who are determined to sleep back to back every night. Yes, there is an actual definition for this bullsh*t.
The technical term is Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD); defined by the American Psychological Association as “a deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, producing marked personal or interpersonal distress, but not the result of alcoholism, a general medical condition or substance use (medication) or abuse (street drugs).”
Sexuality in long term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well.
There are a few reasons why the well has gone dry, and these reasons are not as complicated as you may think. Follow along and learn something:
One of the partners in the relationship is one lazy mutha SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Get off your ass and clean up. Help with the dishes. Put away your dirty underwear. Take out the trash. Put down those chocolates. Get off the damn phone. Pick up the kids once in while.
You’re making your partner angry by being so lazy. It’s good to have some skills under the sheets, but if you can’t do a damn thing else but f*ck, then your ass need to be demoted to a booty call. There is a reason why people say, “I can do bad all by myself.”
No affection. Believe it or not, people actually appreciate conversation. It’d be nice to have a little small talk before you start stripping. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the right away get down, but people, especially women would like for someone to get into their mind before you discover their Victoria’s secrets. Cuddling, or as I like call it – “spooning”, could also earn a few brownie points. It’s okay to go the extra mile. No one else will know besides you and the person you’re humping.
Lack of Communication. Communication is key! If you don’t talk to each other, and ask the real questions why the bed is so cold, then you’re going to continue masturbating while you’re partner is not home or taking a long, cold shower. Get to the bottom of this nonsense and do it quickly. CHEATING is on both of your minds, and trust me, that’s a whole nother problem you probably aren’t ready to deal with.
Too needy. The bottom line is that this is a turn off for anyone. Most women are turned on to a man when he is in his power and feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman; a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable.
Man, woman, gay or straight…get this sh*t together. Chances are you weren’t a needy prick before things became official. So now you’re going to add “liar” to your list of reasons why you aren’t getting any? If you really are needy, then you need to check that quickly or else you’ll never get laid again.
You are now too comfortable. Ut oh…you and your partner have become so comfortable with each other that you are no longer “get it” material. You’re more like siblings.
Unless you’re into incest, you can pretty much hang it up. You’d better invest in a blow up doll, a dildo or a paid escort.
You’ve let yourself go. Face it, you’re not going to get any if you stop making the same effort it took to bag your partner in the first place. Men, shave your wolfed out beard. Ladies, shave your armpits. Try not to get 40lbs heavier than you were before your relationship became official. Personal hygiene is a plus and a nice outfit won’t kill you. Let your partner know that he/she is worth you getting all jiggied up for.
Boredom. It isn’t uncommon for sex to become routine. This is a sure way to lose interest. You don’t want to know what to expect each time you lay down for the grown-up. Explore new positions and places to be intimate. Hell, if you have to, invite someone to watch or join in. No, I’m not promoting infidelity or orgies, but if you aren’t getting laid right now, are you really going to rule out all the options?
Poor self esteem – If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence. Get a backbone and stop being such a wuss. Up the prescription meds on your wacked out self esteem issues and stop holding out. You can’t expect anyone else to feel good about you if you don’t feel good about yourself. This is worse than being needy.
Someone can do it better. I’m going to say these phrases once and let them marinate: ‘For every one person who’s good at something, there’s always someone better.’ AND ‘Someone is always willing to do to/with your partner what are you aren’t willing to do.’ POW!
Your partner just isn’t into you anymore. You could be as sweet as grandma’s apple pie, but it could be terribly possible that you just aren’t attractive to your mate any more. There’s not much you can do to fix that. Once someone is turned off by you, they won’t miss you until you’re gone. And IF they miss you and reconnect, chances are you’ll remind them why they stopped being attracted to you in the first place. It’s harsh, I know, but it’s also reality. Deal with it.
To put it mildly, you or your partner are f*cked up and you really need to get your sh*t together. You may get some ass every now and then if you’re lucky, but it’ll be more like a chore than a privilege. And that one or two times you get that horse shoe out of your ass will not solidify a lengthy relationship.
Sex is too much of a beautiful thing to be deprived of it. Meet your lover half way and talk about what your real issues are.
Meanwhile, here are a few tips for increasing sexual desire:
- Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape, and drink PLENTY of alcohol.
- Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.
- Enjoy being sensual before you’re sexual. Take your time and allow your body to focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch. In other words, masturbate. This may even turn your partner on…it’d be even better if you’re doing it for each other. When all else fails, oral sex is a total winner!!!
- Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you’d normally choose. PORN PORN PORN! Hey, it’s a form art.
- Focus on positives. If there’s something about your partner or yourself you don’t like, don’t think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead. Basically what I’m saying here is picture yourself with someone else. This may be crude, but if you aren’t willing to grow some balls and end the relationship all together, then you can get a fantasy going inside that warped out brain of yours.
- Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster – anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.
Here’s a little humor for all you married women who just aren’t into it right now. Raise your hand if you can relate:
“I give birth to your kids and you complain we don’t have sex? How do you think they were born, osmosis? Who takes care of them, drives them to school, picks them up for after school activities, drives them to sports, takes them to their friends houses, plays chauffeur, cleans, cooks, goes to PTA meetings and then caters to your sorry whiney ass when you get home. To top it off, after you eat, fart and burp, you walk out the door to go out with your buddies.
You want sex? Go f*ck yourself! I’m too tired.”
Well kids, 90% of any effort is getting started. So hop to it!
Quote of the week: “In the sex war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male and the vindictiveness of the female.”
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