Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 22-28, 2009

Ever wondered if you could change your luck if you knew what your future held?  Well guess what, Hottywood can help! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If you like camel humps, then this is the week for you. Your soda will be extra fizzy and your french fries will stay hotter longer. 17 is your lucky number except on those days ending in the letter “y.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

None of your booty calls will answer their phones this week. Cold showers and porn will be God’s way of telling you He still cares.  Stay strong.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Hot chicks will flirt with you even if you are a woman but they will only have one eye brow. Beware of one-heeled polar bears and hairless puppies. Someone will piss you off all week. Buy insect repellent and rope.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Do you like cold pastrami on molded pumpernickel bread with brown lettuce and government cheese?

…me neither.

Yesterday was your lucky day, tomorrow is a little fuzzy and today you’ll be consumed with wondering what you did yesterday that will make tomorrow better. Good luck.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Am Amish person will invite you to a polka dance and your paycheck will be short $58.13. Your grocery bill will be sky high and your bank account will be negative (-)$58.25.  Wear a paper bag over your broke ass head.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Dogs will bark and cats will scratch. But I guess I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Flip more coins although it may not matter. Your week is either going to be good or bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Goat cheese is your enemy. Your supervisor will not get laid this week and will take it out on you. Block-the-Hater shades will be on sale only in department stores that are outside of your state. Buy some paperclips. They are sharp and inconspicuous.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A little birdie is going to tell you you look fat. Purchase a new baking dish, you’re going to have chicken all week. Count to 5 backwards three times in your sleep.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You won’t win any congeniality awards this week because you are selfish, rude and right about everything. You’re going to have a good week because no one will want to be around you to get on your nerves. Use your time wisely to reflect on how arrogant you are.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This week you will be cursed with slouchy socks and extra tart morning breath. Avoid the subway. Everyone will view you as a moving target.

EVERYONE.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Invest in a plus-sized vocalist association. Your lover will stop being an ass only when the fat lady sings.  

…let me know how that works out for you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Any gift you receive will be broken. Then again you may not receive a gift at all so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Christmas will be better for you as long as anyone who might give you a gift this week does not give you a damn thing for Christmas.

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Quote of the Week:    “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/mrhollywood2009

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