Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Nov. 29-Dec. 5, 2009

Peek-a-boo!  Let’s see what Hottywood has in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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 Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be remembered for one thing this week; FARTING.  It will not be a good week for romance.  Lay off the cheese.

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

One of your front teeth will be more yellow than humanly possible.  You should make friends with a Capricorn.  Lonliness is the one thing you two will have in common. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You’ll think you’ve been bitten by a swarm of mosquitos.  Rest assured, it’s just bad acne.  Get an extra brown paper bag from the market to cover your face.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

1 and 2 will be your lucky numbers if your name is Sam, otherwise 1 is the number of booty calls you’ll get this week and 2 is the number of times you’ll be pulled over by a mall cop.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s good news and there’s bad news.  The good news is someone will throw raw eggs at your front door.  The bad news is that you’ll be standing in the doorway.  Avoid anyone named ‘Karma’. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll be expected to give a presentation to a bunch of midgets.  You will also only be attractive to people with mustaches, three breasts and straight out of the big house.  Don’t wear perfume or cologne.  Good luck.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your lover will be horny as a toad this week…just not for you.  Start looking for an AA support group.  You’re gonna need it for the road ahead. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Someone will refer you to a position within a prestigious dog-walking firm.  The sad part is all dogs will pee on your shoes.  Your future boss will be a dog with two legs instead of four.  Make cautious decisions. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will lose two things this week:

  1.      1.  Your mind and
  2.      2.  Your, um….

I forgot. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your phone will be disconnected at the exact moment you climax during a phone bone.  The person on the other end will think you’re either uninterested or gay and will start rumors about you.  It’s time for a fresh start. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Any movie you view will be blank.  You will be considered a cheap date and an even worse lay.  Relax, you’re just having an off week.  Stay away from one eyed giants. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Your Christmas tree will lean for the entire month of December and your only holiday season lights will be the street lamps outside your bedroom window.  You may be tested for Athlete’s Foot by a dentist. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.”

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