What if you had Hottywood’s gift of foresight? You could save yourself a lot of heartache. Alas you don’t, but never fear! Hottywood is here to help.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
This is a good week for running naked across the courtyard. You are destined to find romance with someone half as crazy as you are. Beware of horny stray dogs and elves dressed as policeman.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you shut your trap for a minute, you might learn that you talk too much. This week someone close to you will punch you in the lip. That’ll teach your ass a lesson.
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PiscesFebruary 19 – March 20
There will be no beverages available the next time you eat something spicy. You will continue to clear your throat until it is raw, sore and absolutely burning. Unfortunately, the noise you make will annoy the sh*t out of anyone standing near you.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The bunions on your feet will split through the sides of all of your favorite shoes. They will also ache constantly and smell like barbeque corn chips. This will not be a good week for socializing.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You’ll be buried under a mountain of shaving cream. This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
All of your lover’s kisses will taste like puppy spit. Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners. You can always do better, you just have to realize it for yourself… beginning next week.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
666, 13, and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week. Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
What better way to say I love you than with a bagillion voicemail messages and a few “peek-a-boo I see you” post-it notes stuck to your secret crush’s door. There’s only one catch, that crush knows who the hell you are. Restraining orders are imminent, you stalker.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
“Ho Ho Ho” is not going to be jolly old St. Nick’s way of letting you know he’s near. It’s going to be your nickname for the week. That can either be a good thing or a bad thing. The choice is yours. Let me know what you decide.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Your supervisor is going to be jealous of everything you do this week and will increase your work load by 80% just to revel in your failure. You can win this battle if you only run your boss over in the parking lot. Don’t forget a ski mask.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
All of your cologne will smell like you just flushed a toilet. You need to get your funky ass to a bathtub pronto! Even your pets are hiding from your stinky butt.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You’re going to be charged a pet fee for a pet you’re not allowed to have. Trust me, this is the highlight of your effed up week. Start drinking now. Save me a swig of whatever you’re having! Misery loves company.
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Quote of the Week: “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
Let’s make this short and sweet. No long goodbyes; no extended farewells; not even an “I’ll catch you later.”
Though it is encouraged to remove yourself from any situation (or people) who are less than conducive to your welfare and life as a whole, the onset of a new year is the perfect time to wipe the sleight clean and start all over. 
gave you every excuse in the book why he/she couldn’t see you every time you asked to hang out or hook up. Cross out the zero’s name who only called you when they were hot in the pants. Scratch off the biatch who promised to come through, but never did. Mark off the ex who you thought you loved, but never really liked. 
Now is the time for your freedom and liberation. It is your chance to shift your focus from the past and on to yourself. No more chasing people and their dreams. No more saying “yes” to the things you think will make someone else happy. After all, sooner or later you will need to realize that you are not living for anyone else and that all relationships are not quite meant to last forever. Marriages aren’t forever; best friends aren’t forever; flings aren’t forever; jobs and coworkers aren’t forever; even cars aren’t forever. Let go and let God lead you down a new path of life. Not for anyone else’s sake but your own. 
And while you’re at it, promise yourself one thing: You won’t bite your tongue when you tell your undesirables to kick the curb. You may curse, scream and yell. All is encouraged! The louder and more vulgar you are, the better. Your vulgarity will ensure that those pricks will not bombard your Happy New Year with old bullsh*t. And if they do, send them over to the Hills of Hottywood where an explosive surprise awaits them. A surprise filled with hand grenades and all things that go “BOOM!” 
Aquarius
Virgo
Sagittarius 
Let’s face it, we all need a little advice on the what to’s and what not to do’s on a date – especially the first date: Don’t chew with your mouth open; don’t accidentally call your date by the wrong name; don’t forget to wear pants. 
No txting. This is rude and cruel and will give your date the impression that you’d rather be someplace else. It also warrants the Naomi Campbell syndrome. You will most likely have a lump on your head from where your date launched a cell phone at you.
Don’t make calls during the date. Again with the Naomi Campbell syndrome. 
Don’t talk about your ex. If you want to talk about your ex, see a therapist or call up the ex for some “get over it” sex. Whatever you decide, there’s a time and a place for everything and a 1st date would not be a good idea [if you’re hoping for a 2nd date].
Don’t wear non matching clothes. No one likes a bamma. NO ONE.
Fellas, don’t wear your jeans tighter than your girlfriend’s. There is nothing attractive or masculine about it. 
Ladies, don’t wear too much make-up. No guy wants to go out with anyone who looks like the puppet from “Saw.”
Don’t eat spaghetti. 
Don’t forget to clean your car before you pick up your date. Nobody likes a slob. 
Don’t flirt with the waiter…unless they’re way hotter than your date. If you’re a complete jerk, player or slore (slut & whore), then adding one more buddy to your booty call phone list won’t hurt anyone. You’ll simply be worth nothing more than a f*ck and will be destined to whoring around for the rest of your life or until something falls off. …all by your lonesome. So much for date #2.
Don’t bring any friends along. Bringing along friends screams dependency issues. 
Don’t brag about your sex life. 
Don’t “accidentally” forget your wallet. 
Don’t be over excessively religious. 
Don’t bring your mom or your kids. I smell trouble. Bringing your family along super glues RED FLAGS all over the place! Either you’re looking for a mommy or daddy to help take care of your kids or your mother is more hot in the pants than you are. 
Try not to get drunk…unless all the drinks are free. If that’s the case, get your lush on and party like a rock star! Make sure you save a drink for me. With any luck, you won’t remember anything in the morning anyway.
Don’t reach for the bread from your neighbor’s table. 
Don’t pick your neighbor’s nose. Obviously this is gross. Depending on what you’re into, it could be kinky, however for the most part, it’s just gross. 
Don’t wear a pirate hat and eye patch. 
Don’t keep scratching your private parts. There’s no further explanation needed for this “Don’t.” 
No cross dressing. No matter what you’re into, there is nothing sexy about this. Your being confused about your sexuality should not have anything to do with you being confused about your wardrobe. 
Don’t eat your meal like a puppy. Silverware is good. Save your puppy antics for behind closed doors. 
Don’t practice voodoo at the dinner table. There is nothing more creepy about practicing voodoo on a 1st date. That’s more like a 3rd date thing. 
When you light up your after-dinner smoke, make sure you pull out a cigarette and NOT a blunt. 
Don’t forget to have a damn good reason why you’re not wearing your dentures.
Libra 
How many times a day do you hear stupid questions? No matter where you are; work, school, home, church…someone, somewhere asks the most outlandish and irritating question(s) they can muster up. You know what I say to those stupid ass people who ask all of those stupid ass questions? EFF YOU! 
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