Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 20-26, 2009

What if you had Hottywood’s gift of foresight?  You could save yourself a lot of heartache.  Alas you don’t, but never fear!  Hottywood is here to help.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This is a good week for running naked across the courtyard.  You are destined to find romance with someone half as crazy as you are.  Beware of horny stray dogs and elves dressed as policeman.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you shut your trap for a minute, you might learn that you talk too much.  This week someone close to you will punch you in the lip.  That’ll teach your ass a lesson.    

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

There will be no beverages available the next time you eat something spicy.  You will continue to clear your throat until it is raw, sore and absolutely burning. Unfortunately, the noise you make will annoy the sh*t out of anyone standing near you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The bunions on your feet will split through the sides of all of your favorite shoes.  They will also ache constantly and smell like barbeque corn chips.  This will not be a good week for socializing. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You’ll be buried under a mountain of shaving cream.  This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

All of your lover’s kisses will taste like puppy spit.  Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.  You can always do better, you just have to realize it for yourself… beginning next week. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

666, 13, and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week.  Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

What better way to say I love you than with a bagillion voicemail messages and a few “peek-a-boo I see you” post-it notes stuck to your secret crush’s door.  There’s only one catch, that crush knows who the hell you are.  Restraining orders are imminent, you stalker. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

“Ho Ho Ho” is not going to be jolly old St. Nick’s way of letting you know he’s near.  It’s going to be your nickname for the week.  That can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  The choice is yours.  Let me know what you decide.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your supervisor is going to be jealous of everything you do this week and will increase your work load by 80% just to revel in your failure.  You can win this battle if you only run your boss over in the parking lot.  Don’t forget a ski mask. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

All of your cologne will smell like you just flushed a toilet.  You need to get your funky ass to a bathtub pronto!  Even your pets are hiding from your stinky butt. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You’re going to be charged a pet fee for a pet you’re not allowed to have.  Trust me, this is the highlight of your effed up week.  Start drinking now.  Save me a swig of whatever you’re having!  Misery loves company. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”

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Remove Old Bullsh*t for a New Year

Let’s make this short and sweet. No long goodbyes; no extended farewells; not even an “I’ll catch you later.”

…short and sweet.  “So long mutha effer!”  Tis the season to be jolly, and w/ that jolliness comes the end of relationships past.  Not just lovers, but friends, associates, stalkers, and booty calls who no longer make your nature rise.  

Though it is encouraged to remove yourself from any situation (or people) who are less than conducive to your welfare and life as a whole, the onset of a new year is the perfect time to wipe the sleight clean and start all over. 

Take out your little black book, grab a magic marker and have at it!  Cross out that lying bastard’s name who gave you every excuse in the book why he/she couldn’t see you every time you asked to hang out or hook up.  Cross out the zero’s name who only called you when they were hot in the pants.  Scratch off the biatch who promised to come through, but never did.  Mark off the ex who you thought you loved, but never really liked. 

Now is the time for your freedom and liberation.  It is your chance to shift your focus from the past and on to yourself.  No more chasing people and their dreams.  No more saying “yes” to the things you think will make someone else happy.  After all, sooner or later you will need to realize that you are not living for anyone else and that all relationships are not quite meant to last forever.  Marriages aren’t forever; best friends aren’t forever; flings aren’t forever; jobs and coworkers aren’t forever; even cars aren’t forever.  Let go and let God lead you down a new path of life.  Not for anyone else’s sake but your own.  

And while you’re at it, promise yourself one thing: You won’t bite your tongue when you tell your undesirables to kick the curb.  You may curse, scream and yell.  All is encouraged!  The louder and more vulgar you are, the better.  Your vulgarity will ensure that those pricks will not bombard your Happy New Year with old bullsh*t.  And if they do, send them over to the Hills of Hottywood where an explosive surprise awaits them.  A surprise filled with hand grenades and all things that go “BOOM!” 

Remember, 90% of any effort is getting started.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 13-19, 2009

How much better off would you be if you could foresee and prevent funky armpits, lousy lays and stressful workdays?  Here’s your chance to find out!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Cats in heat will cry and whine every night this week, but only when you get good into a deep sleep.  Ear plugs, sound proof padding and shot guns will be of no use to you.  Try not to cut your ears off. 

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your bills will be due on any day you have no money at all.  Holding up a liquor store will cross your mind more than once.  Steer clear of police cars and news reporters.  Your left profile is your best side. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will be groped by a one-armed midget who is seemingly stuck in the Victorian ages.  Buy a miniature bazooka.  It packs the perfect punch for a feisty pint size. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your feet will stink so badly this week that you will lose a couple of friends.  Don’t worry, those particular friends talked about you behind your back anyway.  You should be happy that you have stinky feet.  It helped get rid of bad baggage.  However, romance is not in the stars for you.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Keep an extra pair of shoes in your carrying bag.  You’re going to step in a lot of sh*t this week.  Avoid puppies and panda bears.  Good luck! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You will spit on everyone you speak to this week.  Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!”  Actions speak louder than words.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

All of your shirts/blouses will have holes in the armpits.  You will not be raising your hand because you will not be so sure.  Try bathing in bleach.  If that doesn’t work, wrap yourself in aluminum foil and start a new fashion trend. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Santa Claus is having an affair with the Easter bunny, which means this Christmas season is looking a little grim for you.  Everyone is getting laid except you.  Don’t listen to any music that has the lyrics, “…I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Slow down, pace yourself and watch your back.  Leave the burgers alone and get your fat ass on a treadmill.  You’ll never get into that bathing suit if you keep super sizing it.  You’ll probably start drinking or smoking this week, if you don’t already. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

All of your coffee will be bitter no matter how much sugar you may add.  Hold your breath until you turn blue to see if that changes your perception of taste.  At least in the hospital, you’ll have an option of apple juice or orange. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your computer will crash and your cell phone will die, leaving you dumbfounded to the notion of old school communication.  Get reacquainted with the power of the pen.  If that doesn’t work, get two Styrofoam cups and a long piece of string.  It’ll be a hassle, but a miracle worker.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you are a naturally born or surgically altered male Sagittarius, all of the zippers in your trousers will stick, exposing your pecker.  This may be a good week for late night creeps and unexpected sale prices.  Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Life is a big ass wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  In the meantime, it won’t kill you to carry around a few extra stink bombs to ease your frustrations.”  

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25 Things NOT To Do on a 1st Date

Let’s face it, we all need a little advice on the what to’s and what not to do’s on a date – especially the first date:  Don’t chew with your mouth open; don’t accidentally call your date by the wrong name; don’t forget to wear pants. 

Well I’m going to help you out and give you a list of 25 things not to do.  If you follow this list carefully, your chances of getting that second date will be strong, provided you’re not a boring schmuck who has nothing going for himself other than an offer of a free meal.  If that’s what you are, then you’re on your own! 

Listen closely. 

No txting.  This is rude and cruel and will give your date the impression that you’d rather be someplace else.  It also warrants the Naomi Campbell syndrome. You will most likely have a lump on your head from where your date launched a cell phone at you.

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Don’t make calls during the date.  Again with the Naomi Campbell syndrome. 

If you choose to risk the phone calls and the txting, make sure you wear a football helmet for protection.

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Don’t talk about your ex.  If you want to talk about your ex, see a therapist or call up the ex for some “get over it” sex.  Whatever you decide, there’s a time and a place for everything and a 1st date would not be a good idea [if you’re hoping for a 2nd date].

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Don’t wear non matching clothes.  No one likes a bamma.  NO ONE.

…unless your date is a bamma too.  In that case you two are made for each other.

…then you won’t care who’s talking about you because you’ll be consumed in your own little bammified world. 

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Fellas, don’t wear your jeans tighter than your girlfriend’s.  There is nothing attractive or masculine about it. 

You will no doubt fall into the “Skinny Jeans Must Die” category.

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Ladies, don’t wear too much make-up.  No guy wants to go out with anyone who looks like the puppet from “Saw.”

There are too many red flags that can’t be ignored there.

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Don’t eat spaghetti. 

This is only sexy if you and your date are 900lbs and are plain and simply greedy.  There is no other exception to the rule.

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Don’t forget to clean your car before you pick up your date.  Nobody likes a slob. 

If your car is dirty, then so is your office; your home; your ass… Do you see where we’re going with this?

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Don’t flirt with the waiter…unless they’re way hotter than your date.  If you’re a complete jerk, player or slore (slut & whore), then adding one more buddy to your booty call phone list won’t hurt anyone.  You’ll simply be worth nothing more than a f*ck and will be destined to whoring around for the rest of your life or until something falls off. …all by your lonesome. So much for date #2.

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Don’t forget to brush your teeth. 

For obvious reasons.

Bad breath is probably the #1 thing that’ll kill your chances of a 2nd date.

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Don’t bring any friends along.  Bringing along friends screams dependency issues. 

Grow the hell up and don’t drag anyone into that high school mentality you’ve been afraid to escape. 

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Don’t brag about your sex life. 

If you have to brag about it, then nine times out of ten, your bedroom skills are lame and you’re not worth the lay. 

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Don’t “accidentally” forget your wallet. 

Can you be any more cheap???

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Don’t be over excessively religious. 

Trust me this is a sure way not to get any. 

From ANY ONE.

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Don’t bring your mom or your kids.  I smell trouble.  Bringing your family along super glues RED FLAGS all over the place!  Either you’re looking for a mommy or daddy to help take care of your kids or your mother is more hot in the pants than you are. 

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Try not to get drunk…unless all the drinks are free.  If that’s the case, get your lush on and party like a rock star!  Make sure you save a drink for me.  With any luck, you won’t remember anything in the morning anyway.

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Don’t reach for the bread from your neighbor’s table. 

Greedy ass! 

You might as well be eating spaghetti with the fat couple a few “Don’ts” ago.

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Don’t pick your neighbor’s nose.  Obviously this is gross.  Depending on what you’re into, it could be kinky, however for the most part, it’s just gross. 

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Don’t wear a pirate hat and eye patch. 

You’ll look pretty damn silly and everyone around you will talk about you, including your date.

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Don’t keep scratching your private parts.  There’s no further explanation needed for this “Don’t.” 

Just don’t do it. 

It raises all types of questions. 

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No cross dressing.  No matter what you’re into, there is nothing sexy about this.  Your being confused about your sexuality should not have anything to do with you being confused about your wardrobe. 

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Don’t eat your meal like a puppy.  Silverware is good.  Save your puppy antics for behind closed doors. 

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Don’t practice voodoo at the dinner table.  There is nothing more creepy about practicing voodoo on a 1st date.  That’s more like a 3rd date thing. 

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When you light up your after-dinner smoke, make sure you pull out a cigarette and NOT a blunt. 

If you must blaze the blunt, don’t forget the “puff puff pass” rule. 

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Don’t forget to have a damn good reason why you’re not wearing your dentures.

It’s almost guaranteed that this question will come up during the date.    

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If you follow these rules, you’ll have no problem moving ahead to a 2nd date.  All it takes is a little effort on your part to be someone other than who you really are.   After two or three weeks, you can start being the REAL you and let your partner know what they’re getting themselves into.   It takes a little effort.   90% of any effort is getting started. 

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 Quote of the week:     “A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 6-12

Are you wondering if this week will be less pissier than the last?  Well take a look at your HORRORscope and find out! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be stalked by a family of spotted owls this week.  Guard your potato chips with your life and beware of one-legged old men walking backwards.

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It will rain all week, but only on you.  Umbrellas will be useless and your associates will nickname you “All Washed Up.”  Make new friends. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Red is the new black.  Go home and change your underwear.  You’ll thank me for this later.  This will be a good week for you.  Spice things up by adding mayonnaise in the bedroom. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You have a lot in common with cows and chickens.  A word of advice: stay away from Chinese carry-outs [because of the things you have in common with cows and chickens].  …remember the movie, “Cannibal.”    

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If it snowed any time in the last two weeks, then you’re pretty screwed for the next two weeks.  Don’t worry, your screwosity is only temporary.  You’ll meet a potential lover in an international supermarket, provided you can keep your gas issues under control. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your telephone will ring excessively with hang-ups and wrong numbers.  It’s going to annoy the sh*t out of you because you’ll be expecting a booty call that you will never get.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The theme song to “The Sound of Music” will be duck-taped to your memory.  That alone will be enough to drive you insane.  PS, don’t hum the tune around anyone if you want to keep the use of your vocal cords.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A family of horny pigeons will take turns peeking into your bedroom window while you’re getting dressed for work.  The sad part is, you’ll like it.  Your lucky word for the week is “Sicko.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

No matter what you are told, the only thing you will interpret from any conversation is how great you are.  That could be good for your ego, but bad for your social skills, you arrogant mutha-effa! 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Dogs will meow and cats will moo.  This should tell you what direction your week is heading in.  Most will suggest that you “Just Say No.”  Ignore those people and do the opposite.  You’ll need it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Farting will be the highlight of your week.  With that said, it ain’t looking so good.  Invest in a lot of room deodorizers and prepare to spend quality time alone. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

All of your Popeyes chicken will be cold and stale and each of the fast food chain associates will conspire to piss you off by not removing the feathers from the [chicken].   

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Quote of the Week:    “There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.”

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15 Stupid Questions Asked By Seemingly Stupid People

How many times a day do you hear stupid questions?  No matter where you are; work, school, home, church…someone, somewhere asks the most outlandish and irritating question(s) they can muster up.  You know what I say to those stupid ass people who ask all of those stupid ass questions?  EFF YOU! 

Below are the stupidest questions I’ve heard today.  Stay tuned, I’m sure this list will grow even more before I lay my head to pillow.

When calling someone at work:

1.  What are you doing?

What the hell do people do while they’re at work? WORKING, you idiot!

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When calling someone on the telephone:

2.  Are you asleep?

If you thought I was sleep, why the eff did you call?

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When you haven’t spoken to the person you’re supposed to be dating in a while.

3.  Do you miss me?

Common sense should tell you if you’re missed, you’d be told.  If you haven’t been told, you haven’t been missed.

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Panhandlers: When you’re coming out of a supermarket, laundromat or liquor store:

4.  Do you have any spare change?

Why ask me after I’ve come out of the store?  Of course I don’t have any spare change.  I just spent it, stupid.

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When someone doesn’t know the proper way to ask to borrow money:

5.  Don’t you want to loan me a few dollars?

Don’t you to want to jump off a bridge?  Who the hell wants to loan out money???  Aren’t we in a recession?

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When someone wakes you out of your sleep:

6.  Are you awake?

You know damn well I’m awake because you’ve been asking me that same question for the last 500 seconds.

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When someone just doesn’t want to be bothered:

7.  Why aren’t you returning my phone calls?

Obviously I’m not calling you because I don’t want to talk to you.  Is that a simple enough answer?

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When someone wants to use you for something:

8.  Can you do me a favor?

I could.  The real question is do I want to and/or am I going to?

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When someone sends you a txt message saying:

9.  Can you call me?

Was it really more efficient for you to send a txt message to ask me to call you?

That’s borderline oxymoron-ish.

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When someone wears their stupidity on their sleeve:

10.  What’s the number to 9-1-1?

Anyone who asks this question should be whacked over the head with a shovel.

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When someone knows the question they are going to ask is stupid:

11.  Can I ask you a stupid question?

I don’t know who’s worse, the person who is about to ask the stupid question or the idiot who’s curious to know what the question is.

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When trying to pick someone up in a bar:

12.  Are you an angel? Because I think heaven sent you to me.

You’ve got your wires crossed.  I’m from the other neck of the woods and I’m carrying a portable pitchfork in my back pocket.

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When you’ve forgotten your overnight bag for that sudden booty call.

13.  Can I use your toothbrush?

Why don’t you stick your teeth inside the toilet bowl? It’s about as sanitary as sharing a toothbrush.

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When you’re trying to take a dump in peace:

14.  Are you in the bathroom?

Hellooo…you’re talking to me through the bathroom door.

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When you wear irritation all over your face:

15.  I hope I’m not getting on your nerves…

Nine times out of ten you are if you had to throw in that little disclaimer.

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So there you have it guys and gals.  The 15 most idiotic questions I’ve heard today.  Don’t be like a nincompoop and go around asking the silliest thing you can dream up.  If it helps, take a little effort to not be the jerk in the bunch.  90% of any effort is getting started.  The rest is as easy as sharpening a ninja star!

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Quote of the Week:    “There are no stupid questions; only stupid people.”