How many times a day do you hear stupid questions?  No matter where you are; work, school, home, church…someone, somewhere asks the most outlandish and irritating question(s) they can muster up.  You know what I say to those stupid ass people who ask all of those stupid ass questions?  EFF YOU! 

Below are the stupidest questions I’ve heard today.  Stay tuned, I’m sure this list will grow even more before I lay my head to pillow.

When calling someone at work:

1.  What are you doing?

What the hell do people do while they’re at work? WORKING, you idiot!

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When calling someone on the telephone:

2.  Are you asleep?

If you thought I was sleep, why the eff did you call?

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When you haven’t spoken to the person you’re supposed to be dating in a while.

3.  Do you miss me?

Common sense should tell you if you’re missed, you’d be told.  If you haven’t been told, you haven’t been missed.

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Panhandlers: When you’re coming out of a supermarket, laundromat or liquor store:

4.  Do you have any spare change?

Why ask me after I’ve come out of the store?  Of course I don’t have any spare change.  I just spent it, stupid.

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When someone doesn’t know the proper way to ask to borrow money:

5.  Don’t you want to loan me a few dollars?

Don’t you to want to jump off a bridge?  Who the hell wants to loan out money???  Aren’t we in a recession?

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When someone wakes you out of your sleep:

6.  Are you awake?

You know damn well I’m awake because you’ve been asking me that same question for the last 500 seconds.

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When someone just doesn’t want to be bothered:

7.  Why aren’t you returning my phone calls?

Obviously I’m not calling you because I don’t want to talk to you.  Is that a simple enough answer?

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When someone wants to use you for something:

8.  Can you do me a favor?

I could.  The real question is do I want to and/or am I going to?

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When someone sends you a txt message saying:

9.  Can you call me?

Was it really more efficient for you to send a txt message to ask me to call you?

That’s borderline oxymoron-ish.

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When someone wears their stupidity on their sleeve:

10.  What’s the number to 9-1-1?

Anyone who asks this question should be whacked over the head with a shovel.

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When someone knows the question they are going to ask is stupid:

11.  Can I ask you a stupid question?

I don’t know who’s worse, the person who is about to ask the stupid question or the idiot who’s curious to know what the question is.

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When trying to pick someone up in a bar:

12.  Are you an angel? Because I think heaven sent you to me.

You’ve got your wires crossed.  I’m from the other neck of the woods and I’m carrying a portable pitchfork in my back pocket.

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When you’ve forgotten your overnight bag for that sudden booty call.

13.  Can I use your toothbrush?

Why don’t you stick your teeth inside the toilet bowl? It’s about as sanitary as sharing a toothbrush.

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When you’re trying to take a dump in peace:

14.  Are you in the bathroom?

Hellooo…you’re talking to me through the bathroom door.

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When you wear irritation all over your face:

15.  I hope I’m not getting on your nerves…

Nine times out of ten you are if you had to throw in that little disclaimer.

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So there you have it guys and gals.  The 15 most idiotic questions I’ve heard today.  Don’t be like a nincompoop and go around asking the silliest thing you can dream up.  If it helps, take a little effort to not be the jerk in the bunch.  90% of any effort is getting started.  The rest is as easy as sharpening a ninja star!

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Quote of the Week:    “There are no stupid questions; only stupid people.”