Are you wondering if this week will be less pissier than the last? Well take a look at your HORRORscope and find out!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
You will be stalked by a family of spotted owls this week. Guard your potato chips with your life and beware of one-legged old men walking backwards.
January 20 – February 18
It will rain all week, but only on you. Umbrellas will be useless and your associates will nickname you “All Washed Up.” Make new friends.
February 19 – March 20
Red is the new black. Go home and change your underwear. You’ll thank me for this later. This will be a good week for you. Spice things up by adding mayonnaise in the bedroom.
March 21 – April 19
You have a lot in common with cows and chickens. A word of advice: stay away from Chinese carry-outs [because of the things you have in common with cows and chickens]. …remember the movie, “Cannibal.”
April 20 – May 20
If it snowed any time in the last two weeks, then you’re pretty screwed for the next two weeks. Don’t worry, your screwosity is only temporary. You’ll meet a potential lover in an international supermarket, provided you can keep your gas issues under control.
May 21 – June 20
Your telephone will ring excessively with hang-ups and wrong numbers. It’s going to annoy the sh*t out of you because you’ll be expecting a booty call that you will never get.
June 21 – July 22
The theme song to “The Sound of Music” will be duck-taped to your memory. That alone will be enough to drive you insane. PS, don’t hum the tune around anyone if you want to keep the use of your vocal cords.
July 23 – August 22
A family of horny pigeons will take turns peeking into your bedroom window while you’re getting dressed for work. The sad part is, you’ll like it. Your lucky word for the week is “Sicko.”
August 23 – September 22
No matter what you are told, the only thing you will interpret from any conversation is how great you are. That could be good for your ego, but bad for your social skills, you arrogant mutha-effa!
September 23 – October 22
Dogs will meow and cats will moo. This should tell you what direction your week is heading in. Most will suggest that you “Just Say No.” Ignore those people and do the opposite. You’ll need it.
October 23 – November 21
Farting will be the highlight of your week. With that said, it ain’t looking so good. Invest in a lot of room deodorizers and prepare to spend quality time alone.
November 22 – December 21
All of your Popeyes chicken will be cold and stale and each of the fast food chain associates will conspire to piss you off by not removing the feathers from the [chicken].
Quote of the Week: “There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.”