25 Things NOT To Do on a 1st Date

Let’s face it, we all need a little advice on the what to’s and what not to do’s on a date – especially the first date:  Don’t chew with your mouth open; don’t accidentally call your date by the wrong name; don’t forget to wear pants. 

Well I’m going to help you out and give you a list of 25 things not to do.  If you follow this list carefully, your chances of getting that second date will be strong, provided you’re not a boring schmuck who has nothing going for himself other than an offer of a free meal.  If that’s what you are, then you’re on your own! 

Listen closely. 

No txting.  This is rude and cruel and will give your date the impression that you’d rather be someplace else.  It also warrants the Naomi Campbell syndrome. You will most likely have a lump on your head from where your date launched a cell phone at you.

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Don’t make calls during the date.  Again with the Naomi Campbell syndrome. 

If you choose to risk the phone calls and the txting, make sure you wear a football helmet for protection.

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Don’t talk about your ex.  If you want to talk about your ex, see a therapist or call up the ex for some “get over it” sex.  Whatever you decide, there’s a time and a place for everything and a 1st date would not be a good idea [if you’re hoping for a 2nd date].

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Don’t wear non matching clothes.  No one likes a bamma.  NO ONE.

…unless your date is a bamma too.  In that case you two are made for each other.

…then you won’t care who’s talking about you because you’ll be consumed in your own little bammified world. 

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Fellas, don’t wear your jeans tighter than your girlfriend’s.  There is nothing attractive or masculine about it. 

You will no doubt fall into the “Skinny Jeans Must Die” category.

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Ladies, don’t wear too much make-up.  No guy wants to go out with anyone who looks like the puppet from “Saw.”

There are too many red flags that can’t be ignored there.

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Don’t eat spaghetti. 

This is only sexy if you and your date are 900lbs and are plain and simply greedy.  There is no other exception to the rule.

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Don’t forget to clean your car before you pick up your date.  Nobody likes a slob. 

If your car is dirty, then so is your office; your home; your ass… Do you see where we’re going with this?

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Don’t flirt with the waiter…unless they’re way hotter than your date.  If you’re a complete jerk, player or slore (slut & whore), then adding one more buddy to your booty call phone list won’t hurt anyone.  You’ll simply be worth nothing more than a f*ck and will be destined to whoring around for the rest of your life or until something falls off. …all by your lonesome. So much for date #2.

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Don’t forget to brush your teeth. 

For obvious reasons.

Bad breath is probably the #1 thing that’ll kill your chances of a 2nd date.

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Don’t bring any friends along.  Bringing along friends screams dependency issues. 

Grow the hell up and don’t drag anyone into that high school mentality you’ve been afraid to escape. 

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Don’t brag about your sex life. 

If you have to brag about it, then nine times out of ten, your bedroom skills are lame and you’re not worth the lay. 

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Don’t “accidentally” forget your wallet. 

Can you be any more cheap???

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Don’t be over excessively religious. 

Trust me this is a sure way not to get any. 

From ANY ONE.

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Don’t bring your mom or your kids.  I smell trouble.  Bringing your family along super glues RED FLAGS all over the place!  Either you’re looking for a mommy or daddy to help take care of your kids or your mother is more hot in the pants than you are. 

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Try not to get drunk…unless all the drinks are free.  If that’s the case, get your lush on and party like a rock star!  Make sure you save a drink for me.  With any luck, you won’t remember anything in the morning anyway.

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Don’t reach for the bread from your neighbor’s table. 

Greedy ass! 

You might as well be eating spaghetti with the fat couple a few “Don’ts” ago.

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Don’t pick your neighbor’s nose.  Obviously this is gross.  Depending on what you’re into, it could be kinky, however for the most part, it’s just gross. 

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Don’t wear a pirate hat and eye patch. 

You’ll look pretty damn silly and everyone around you will talk about you, including your date.

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Don’t keep scratching your private parts.  There’s no further explanation needed for this “Don’t.” 

Just don’t do it. 

It raises all types of questions. 

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No cross dressing.  No matter what you’re into, there is nothing sexy about this.  Your being confused about your sexuality should not have anything to do with you being confused about your wardrobe. 

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Don’t eat your meal like a puppy.  Silverware is good.  Save your puppy antics for behind closed doors. 

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Don’t practice voodoo at the dinner table.  There is nothing more creepy about practicing voodoo on a 1st date.  That’s more like a 3rd date thing. 

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When you light up your after-dinner smoke, make sure you pull out a cigarette and NOT a blunt. 

If you must blaze the blunt, don’t forget the “puff puff pass” rule. 

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Don’t forget to have a damn good reason why you’re not wearing your dentures.

It’s almost guaranteed that this question will come up during the date.    

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If you follow these rules, you’ll have no problem moving ahead to a 2nd date.  All it takes is a little effort on your part to be someone other than who you really are.   After two or three weeks, you can start being the REAL you and let your partner know what they’re getting themselves into.   It takes a little effort.   90% of any effort is getting started. 

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 Quote of the week:     “A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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