Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 20-26, 2009

What if you had Hottywood’s gift of foresight?  You could save yourself a lot of heartache.  Alas you don’t, but never fear!  Hottywood is here to help.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This is a good week for running naked across the courtyard.  You are destined to find romance with someone half as crazy as you are.  Beware of horny stray dogs and elves dressed as policeman.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you shut your trap for a minute, you might learn that you talk too much.  This week someone close to you will punch you in the lip.  That’ll teach your ass a lesson.    

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

There will be no beverages available the next time you eat something spicy.  You will continue to clear your throat until it is raw, sore and absolutely burning. Unfortunately, the noise you make will annoy the sh*t out of anyone standing near you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The bunions on your feet will split through the sides of all of your favorite shoes.  They will also ache constantly and smell like barbeque corn chips.  This will not be a good week for socializing. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You’ll be buried under a mountain of shaving cream.  This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

All of your lover’s kisses will taste like puppy spit.  Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.  You can always do better, you just have to realize it for yourself… beginning next week. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

666, 13, and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week.  Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

What better way to say I love you than with a bagillion voicemail messages and a few “peek-a-boo I see you” post-it notes stuck to your secret crush’s door.  There’s only one catch, that crush knows who the hell you are.  Restraining orders are imminent, you stalker. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

“Ho Ho Ho” is not going to be jolly old St. Nick’s way of letting you know he’s near.  It’s going to be your nickname for the week.  That can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  The choice is yours.  Let me know what you decide.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your supervisor is going to be jealous of everything you do this week and will increase your work load by 80% just to revel in your failure.  You can win this battle if you only run your boss over in the parking lot.  Don’t forget a ski mask. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

All of your cologne will smell like you just flushed a toilet.  You need to get your funky ass to a bathtub pronto!  Even your pets are hiding from your stinky butt. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You’re going to be charged a pet fee for a pet you’re not allowed to have.  Trust me, this is the highlight of your effed up week.  Start drinking now.  Save me a swig of whatever you’re having!  Misery loves company. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”

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One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 20-26, 2009

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