Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 31 – Feb. 6, 2010

They say only time will tell what the future holds.  I say rubbish!  Hottywood can tell you that. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This could be a make or break deal.  Either way, you attract more bees than flies to honey; so don’t trip.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone’s going to tell you “You aren’t worth sh*t.”  Prove them wrong then give them an ultimatum: “Get with the program or duck!”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

What you long for is an illusion.  The past is not as ideal as you remember, so stop living in it.  You don’t have what you once had for a reason. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing will piss you off more than discovering there’s no sugar to go into your kool-aid. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Alright, enough is enough.  You’ve done all you can.  It’s time to sit back and let someone else do all the work.  Take the credit when they’re done. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You spend money like you poop on the toilet.  Make sure you can handle that sh*t, with your broke ass. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You’re going to have a social gathering that no one will come to.  Relax.  You’ll be the life of the party.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will love to hear anything you have to say just as long as you’re asleep. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Follow the instincts you learned in the streets – especially in the vicinity of liquor stores, banks and strip clubs. 

…oh, and maybe church.  o_O

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you’re bored, find comfort in knowing everyone is bored with you, too. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone insists on treating you like a child.  It’s time to get gully.  You may have to cut a biatch!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Watch your ego before your ass gets jumped in an alley by three one-eyed bandits with no home training. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Love at first sight is a result of too much to drink.”

 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 24-30, 2010

So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

In the Dark About Sunglasses at Night

I am about to ask the age old question, “Why do people wear sunglasses at night?”  Is it me or is that an oxymoron?  It could be that only morons do it, but before I pass judgment, let’s give it a small thought and try to analyze the sense of this senseless fashion faux pas.

Once upon a time, arguably in the early 80’s during the height of the hit release, “Sunglasses at Night” (Canadian song-writer Corey Hart) it seemed only celebrities donned camera fronts, red carpets, and club venues with their eyes covered in fashionable eyewear in the wee hours of the night.  However now-a-days it appears everyone has fallen prey to this stylish misstep.  Logically, it makes no sense. 

Wearing sunshades at night should be a crime.  It isn’t hip.  It isn’t safe and it suggests you have something to hide.  Not to mention, it doesn’t protect you from walking into walls.  Though imbecilic as this may sound, you’d be surprised to know that this trend is just as popular with the older generation as it is with the younger generation, obviously for different reasons, of course.  

For teens and young adults, doing the whole sunglasses-at-night thing is all about image and style.  It’s about looking cool and making a statement.  But if you ask me, if they’re not P. Diddy, the only statement they’re making is, “I look dumb.” 

On the other hand, most old geezers who are ophthalmology patients find that wearing sunglasses at night — ones with a slight tint as opposed to deep black lenses — can cut down on the unpleasant glare that comes from headlights and streetlights.  This only makes sense if they’re playing in traffic or swinging like monkeys from a streetlamp.  However old people have earned their right to do whatever the hell they want and not give a damn about what anyone thinks.  So if they want to be stupid and knock over their denture cups or play in traffic and run the risk of getting hit by an oncoming truck, let ‘em! Wisdom comes from our elders, so they must know something us younger folk don’t.  There’s a lot to be learned from them, just don’t soak up this fashion-DON’T – your life could depend on it.

Whatever the reason, even in the name of fashion, I wouldn’t suggest wearing shades at night, or indoors, for that matter.  You have a lot to lose.  For example, your sense of style and possibly your reputation for ‘frontin’ like you a Gee, homie.

I hereby cast my vote to lock anyone walking the streets or driving a car after the sun has laid its head to rest, in a dark room for three days and feed them nothing but the crumbs of week-old bread while forcing them to watch the full run of Little House on the Prairie.  If that doesn’t teach them, nothing will. 

As we come to a close, I should take this opportunity to inform you of the only few reasons why covering your eyes at night would be acceptable:

  1. You’re a drunk or a pothead and you need to cover your red ass eyes; 
  2. You need to protect your ego because someone has just inflicted a scathing insult to your dumb ass for wearing sunshades when there’s no sunlight to block;
  3. You’re a pirate who forgot your eye patch in your other bootleg; or
  4. You’re a spy.   

All jokes aside folks, take off those stupid glasses.  If you have something to hide, trust me, you’ll drop your bomb in other ways.  But not as easily if you practice.  It all begins with removing the shades.  It just takes a little effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 17-23, 2010

If you would’ve come to Hottywood first for the answers, you could’ve avoided that boisterous ass eruption during dinner with your honey’s folks.  Never fear.  I can see in my crystal ball that your week will be a little better than last week’s fiasco.  But I wouldn’t do any cartwheels if I were you.  It won’t be better by much. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get rid of the ring around your bath tub.  This is a good week for shopping as all of your clothes probably have the residue of yesterday’s scent. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will have tourette syndrome of dandruff scratching.  This is the perfect time to pamper yourself because no one else will want to be near you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen to your nipples’ warning.  They will itch intensely each time someone lies to you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your personality is more fake than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. People will like you for who you are once you stop pretending to be someone you’re not. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will miss all of your most important phone calls because you won’t be able to get your sh*tty ass off the porcelain pot. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The most thought-provoking piece of literature you’ll read this week will be The National Inquirer…and even still, that’ll only be for the pictures.  Dumbass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This is an off week.  Stay away from hookers and 5 o’clock shadows. …and if you happen to be a hooker with a 5 o’clock shadow, you’re in a world of trouble.  Especially if you’re a woman with a beard thicker than your pimp’s. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sit your ass down and stop stealing the spotlight.  You’re doing way too much and no one cares.  Go hibernate in a cave like a bear.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your fried chicken will taste like captain crunch cereal and spoiled milk.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Being two-faced won’t keep your ass from getting kicked.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Do the world a favor and shut the hell up. There are more people not interested in what you have to say than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone’s watching you, but don’t get too excited.  They only notice you when you make an ass of yourself. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.” 

 

Nothing Says Nothing Better Than Nothing

This post is about nothing.  It has absolutely no substance whatsoever.  It’s not about the wind that blows or the air released from an ass after an impressive inhalation of boiled eggs.  It’s not about the silence of a bad joke or the hesitation after the inquiry, “was it good for you?”   

It isn’t about assessing the amount of nothing a single person can muster up, think about, do, say or even consider.  It’s not about yeses or no’s, wrong or right, good, bad or ugly.  

What this post is about is nada; rien; nichts; niente; Ничто.  If you have no idea what any of that means, it means “nothing.” It’s simply a multitude of foreign tongues (Spanish, French, German, Italian and Russian) that says, well…nothing.  

The purpose is not with intent to discuss the smell of ripe armpits, funky athlete’s foot or heavy, thick morning breath.  It’s not about the thoughts of other people, whether their interpretations of you or life are positive or negative.  It’s not about approval or validation or even entertainment.  

It’s not about anything.  

Not the air we breathe.  Not the sh*t we put up with.  Not the sound of a slap on the forehead when someone miscounts your change.  Not the grunt of disgust when McDonald’s give you the wrong order, nor the simmering grits that cook on the stove at the moment you confront your lover about cheating on you.  

It’s about zilch; zip; zero; nil; naught – nothing, damnit.  

Sometimes things need to be that simple.  Have no meaning; no purpose.  No why or because.  Just be, for the need and desire of enjoying the moment of purposeless time.  No fuss, no rush, no stress or worry.  

The best part is that nothing takes no work at all.  What more can you ask for?  I know the answer to that question: NOTHING.   

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Quote of the week:   “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 10-16, 2010

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Try not to sweat. The body odor you give off will smell like fish tank water.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The next person who kisses you will have the breath of a doberman pinscher. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You will be the subject of a nasty rumor. You should be more concerned when no one cares enough to talk about you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Everyone around you will claim to smell cottage cheese. This should tell you something. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Prepare for an unforgettable experience.  A bad itch will erupt at the worst possible moment imaginable.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Everything you hear will at first sound as if you are chewing on a bag of tortilla chips. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A chance of mistaken identity will be your best shot at romance. Too bad you have to look like someone else to get a date.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

At 0800 hours on the very last day of the week, the only thing worth watching on TV will be on the all static channel.  

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A pee-stained toilet pandemic will make all your trips to the bathroom very unpleasant. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The unshaven heels of your feet will ruin all of your bed linen. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

I have two powerful words for you: PIGEON POOP! How you choose to use that power is up to you.

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Quote of the Week:   “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

 

The Art of Sleeping at Work Without Getting Caught

How many times have you sat at your office desk and dozed off, only to wake up with the letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead?  C’mon, you can tell me.  I won’t tell anyone.  For those of you who are too shy to admit that you got stoned the night before and are suffering from a hangover, as well as to those of you who are simply so bored with your job that you doze off out of sheer ennui, you’re in luck!  I’ve come up with a few ideas to help get you through the day well rested!  

It’s safe to assume that you aren’t the only one who catches some Zs at work.  It’s common.  In fact, there’s an unwritten clause in your job description that suggests you can slack off and doze at your desk.  The trick is not to get caught.  And here’s where Hottywood comes in.  

Before you begin your mission, you must be sure to know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the day; production high peeks, coworkers’ personalities, the office snitch, you know, that kind of thing.  Once you’ve identified your playing field and have every base covered, the rest is a breeze. 

The next time your boss walks pass your office, he’ll see you at your desk with a nice bright smile, although you’ll actually be underneath your workstation counting sheep.  How, you may wonder?  The answer’s simple. 

Xerox your face and paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your overcoat with old files from your file cabinet and shut your door slightly.  Hang a “Please knock” sign on your door so that whenever someone comes to interrupt your sleep, you’ll be given a fair warning and possibly have enough time to get from beneath your desk back into your swivel chair.  

Most office mates won’t bother you anyway because they’ll be too busy meeting deadlines and getting ready for all those staff meetings you’ll be unprepared for.  Don’t worry.  When it’s time for you and your staff to gather for the weekly oral reports, just nod and smile and agree with whatever comment the last person said.   

If you’re a bald guy, here’s your chance to get creative.  Put those art skills to good use.  Take a magic marker and draw your face on the crown of your head and place a pair of glasses [prescription or personality] over the drawn in eyes.  That way, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re awake – just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as you were before you ate that heavy ass lunch. 

For all others who have a full head of hair and doesn’t carry a ‘Rogaine Gold Member’ card, there’s hope for you too…

Just like the bald guy drew his entire face on the crown of his head, all you have to do is illustrate an animated set of eyes on your closed eyelids, giving the impression that you’re awake when in fact you’re not.  No one will be the wiser, provided you are not a snorer.  

If you have no talent whatsoever or simply can’t draw anything more than a stick figure, your options of getting creative may be a bit more risky. 

At the moment you feel you can’t keep your eyes open any longer, pull the nearest fire alarm.  Dash back to your desk quickly and hide underneath it.  While everyone is running for their lives to clear the building, you will have at least 15 – 25 minutes of good, uninterrupted nap time.  If you’re smart, you’ll pull the alarm just after lunch. 

Use this as a last resort tactic.  It’s not one that you can try too many times.  Consider this tip your 8 ball in the side pocket. 

Finally, for all you folks who’d rather nibble on burning coal than attend one of your boring office functions, you can sneak in a few winks at your holiday parties and office picnics.  Just be warned that things can get a little dicey.   

In most cases, employers expect one or two employees to get plastered and doze off in a corner somewhere.  But it’s probably not a good idea to get so wasted that you have no idea what’s going on around you.  That same suggestion applies if you are a deep sleeper.  I promise you, you’ll be remembered for way more than sleeping on the job.  Especially if you have coworkers who like to play funny pranks and take blackmail pictures…like me!  

The key thing to remember when following any of these tips is that timing is everything. 

I know this list is short, but trust me it’s effective.  It’s understandable if you’re a little worried about pulling off these stunts, but when Mr. Sandman punches you in the grill, sometimes you are forced to do what you have to do.  It’s really not that hard as long as you put a little effort into it.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started.  The rest is cake!

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Quote of the week:   “Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.”