Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover. Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
___________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass. Watch out for a bitch named Karma. She has a mean left hook.
___________________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything. Wear bright colors. They look better with the color of “ass.”
___________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man.
___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Dress in layers. The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains. Prepare to be a laughing stock.
___________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You win some. You lose some. And some you just give up on.
___________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you. Way to go! You sure know how to pick ‘em.
___________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Two things are demanding your attention. You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg.
___________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose. Put all of your energy into personal hygiene.
___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper]. You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair.
___________________________________________________________
September 23 – October 22
It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up. No one wants your advice or your opinion. Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason. Try new things.
___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“Boring” is soooo last year. Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week. You will be commended on your free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak.
___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into. It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught. Watch your back.
___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
Love, love, love this post….I was just telling my BF (who is a Leo and home body) that I was bored, and to my surprise HE suggested date night last weekend. Had a very nice time. Lastly thanks for the warning…no jersey knits for me…too dayum clingy and they do show the sweat (Aries). LMAO!