Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover.  Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass.  Watch out for a bitch named Karma.  She has a mean left hook.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything.  Wear bright colors.  They look better with the color of “ass.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Dress in layers.  The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You win some.  You lose some.  And some you just give up on. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you.  Way to go!  You sure know how to pick ‘em. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Two things are demanding your attention.  You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose.  Put all of your energy into personal hygiene. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper].  You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up.  No one wants your advice or your opinion.  Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason.  Try new things. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

“Boring” is soooo last year.  Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week.  You will be commended on your  free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into.  It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught.  Watch your back. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”