The Art of Sleeping at Work Without Getting Caught

How many times have you sat at your office desk and dozed off, only to wake up with the letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead?  C’mon, you can tell me.  I won’t tell anyone.  For those of you who are too shy to admit that you got stoned the night before and are suffering from a hangover, as well as to those of you who are simply so bored with your job that you doze off out of sheer ennui, you’re in luck!  I’ve come up with a few ideas to help get you through the day well rested!  

It’s safe to assume that you aren’t the only one who catches some Zs at work.  It’s common.  In fact, there’s an unwritten clause in your job description that suggests you can slack off and doze at your desk.  The trick is not to get caught.  And here’s where Hottywood comes in.  

Before you begin your mission, you must be sure to know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the day; production high peeks, coworkers’ personalities, the office snitch, you know, that kind of thing.  Once you’ve identified your playing field and have every base covered, the rest is a breeze. 

The next time your boss walks pass your office, he’ll see you at your desk with a nice bright smile, although you’ll actually be underneath your workstation counting sheep.  How, you may wonder?  The answer’s simple. 

Xerox your face and paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your overcoat with old files from your file cabinet and shut your door slightly.  Hang a “Please knock” sign on your door so that whenever someone comes to interrupt your sleep, you’ll be given a fair warning and possibly have enough time to get from beneath your desk back into your swivel chair.  

Most office mates won’t bother you anyway because they’ll be too busy meeting deadlines and getting ready for all those staff meetings you’ll be unprepared for.  Don’t worry.  When it’s time for you and your staff to gather for the weekly oral reports, just nod and smile and agree with whatever comment the last person said.   

If you’re a bald guy, here’s your chance to get creative.  Put those art skills to good use.  Take a magic marker and draw your face on the crown of your head and place a pair of glasses [prescription or personality] over the drawn in eyes.  That way, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re awake – just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as you were before you ate that heavy ass lunch. 

For all others who have a full head of hair and doesn’t carry a ‘Rogaine Gold Member’ card, there’s hope for you too…

Just like the bald guy drew his entire face on the crown of his head, all you have to do is illustrate an animated set of eyes on your closed eyelids, giving the impression that you’re awake when in fact you’re not.  No one will be the wiser, provided you are not a snorer.  

If you have no talent whatsoever or simply can’t draw anything more than a stick figure, your options of getting creative may be a bit more risky. 

At the moment you feel you can’t keep your eyes open any longer, pull the nearest fire alarm.  Dash back to your desk quickly and hide underneath it.  While everyone is running for their lives to clear the building, you will have at least 15 – 25 minutes of good, uninterrupted nap time.  If you’re smart, you’ll pull the alarm just after lunch. 

Use this as a last resort tactic.  It’s not one that you can try too many times.  Consider this tip your 8 ball in the side pocket. 

Finally, for all you folks who’d rather nibble on burning coal than attend one of your boring office functions, you can sneak in a few winks at your holiday parties and office picnics.  Just be warned that things can get a little dicey.   

In most cases, employers expect one or two employees to get plastered and doze off in a corner somewhere.  But it’s probably not a good idea to get so wasted that you have no idea what’s going on around you.  That same suggestion applies if you are a deep sleeper.  I promise you, you’ll be remembered for way more than sleeping on the job.  Especially if you have coworkers who like to play funny pranks and take blackmail pictures…like me!  

The key thing to remember when following any of these tips is that timing is everything. 

I know this list is short, but trust me it’s effective.  It’s understandable if you’re a little worried about pulling off these stunts, but when Mr. Sandman punches you in the grill, sometimes you are forced to do what you have to do.  It’s really not that hard as long as you put a little effort into it.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started.  The rest is cake!

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Quote of the week:   “Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.”

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