If you would’ve come to Hottywood first for the answers, you could’ve avoided that boisterous ass eruption during dinner with your honey’s folks.  Never fear.  I can see in my crystal ball that your week will be a little better than last week’s fiasco.  But I wouldn’t do any cartwheels if I were you.  It won’t be better by much. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get rid of the ring around your bath tub.  This is a good week for shopping as all of your clothes probably have the residue of yesterday’s scent. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will have tourette syndrome of dandruff scratching.  This is the perfect time to pamper yourself because no one else will want to be near you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen to your nipples’ warning.  They will itch intensely each time someone lies to you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your personality is more fake than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. People will like you for who you are once you stop pretending to be someone you’re not. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will miss all of your most important phone calls because you won’t be able to get your sh*tty ass off the porcelain pot. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The most thought-provoking piece of literature you’ll read this week will be The National Inquirer…and even still, that’ll only be for the pictures.  Dumbass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This is an off week.  Stay away from hookers and 5 o’clock shadows. …and if you happen to be a hooker with a 5 o’clock shadow, you’re in a world of trouble.  Especially if you’re a woman with a beard thicker than your pimp’s. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sit your ass down and stop stealing the spotlight.  You’re doing way too much and no one cares.  Go hibernate in a cave like a bear.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your fried chicken will taste like captain crunch cereal and spoiled milk.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Being two-faced won’t keep your ass from getting kicked.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Do the world a favor and shut the hell up. There are more people not interested in what you have to say than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone’s watching you, but don’t get too excited.  They only notice you when you make an ass of yourself. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.”