So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell. However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama. It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit. The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips. Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet. Things are looking up.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you. Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be. However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance.
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Quote of the Week: “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”
