Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum! To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat. –Works every time.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
You’re going to have good luck every day.
…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.”
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.”
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Quote of the Week: “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”
Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist. Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind. You’re only human. Live a little. Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 
Pisces
Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses. Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble. All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time. You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that. If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
Tip #1. If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap. They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants. This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date. If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out. You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
Tip #2. If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother. The road ahead will be rockier than a 
and the dangers that come along with. For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue. What goes on in the night when every eye is shut? Is it not true that the freaks come out at night? If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams. But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call. Some ass is better than none at all. 
Tip #3. If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line. This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!” You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is? Is it marriage? An 
alternative lifestyle? Kids? No job? No common sense? A sexaholic? An alcoholic? The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers. Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead. Watch your step before you fall into a ditch. Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy. You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into. 
Tip #4. If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air. That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them. Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them. The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike! 
Tip #5. If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good. Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them. Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be. If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth. And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’! 
Make the most of every moment with a helping hand from Hottywood Helps. That catastrophe that lurks around the corner can be avoided with a little insight from the guy who has all the answers! 
Pisces
Sagittarius 
Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough. People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 
person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear. These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption. 
side of the table. Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 
are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else. In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 
Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents. Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted. Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention. In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY! 
Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for. Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip. A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise. In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic. And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END! 
Misconception
I met up with him at the Banana Boat cafe. It’s a classy dive with crappy music, but the drinks make up for the misinterpreted entertainment. As I sipped on my Jack and coke, Jimmy confessed to me that he’d gotten mixed up with some bad guys over a small bag of ice worth more than Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot!” phrase. He needed me to hold the prize while he got his name off the radar. I figured I owed him for all the jams he’s gotten me out of in the past. I generally don’t mix with the bad guys. However sometimes you have to know some in order to determine how to play the game. At any rate, I agreed to help out my pal. Anything for a friend, right? 
Upon leaving the block of the rendezvous point with Jimmy, a long, black stretch limo pulled up in front of me. “Mr. Hottywood, I presume.” A husky voice traveled behind an exhale of smoke from a Cuban cigar smoking creepy old guy with dark shades, speaking from the other side of amber tinted windows. 
I decided to skip work and head back to the loft for a pick-me-up with nothing more than my thoughts and a chilled bottle. Why would Jimmy pawn his stash onto me knowing this deal was something more than I’d ever get involved with? Jimmy’s many things, but careless is not one of them. So now it’s time to think; think like Jimmy. 
Deonatello Ward
The Informant’s Rules
The guards that stood at all the entrances were a breeze to get passed. I always say, “a few Taebo kicks and punches does just as much damage as it does good.” 
“Now you listen to me, you little prick! You’re going to give me those diamonds even if it costs you your life.” His rage was targeted and his eyes empty. He stood tall, his shadow draping the wall. 
them. The most interesting part of the equation is that all of your guard dogs are asleep and you’re unprotected — without your precious diamonds, I might add. You’d better think quick, old man. You haven’t much time.” 
page newspaper article whose title read: FRONT RUNNER CRIME LORD FATALLY SHOT IN HOME; NO SURVIVORS/NO SUSPECTS. 
The End
Home of Ask Hottywood 
