Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 21-27, 2010

Tomorrow’s negative energy can be avoided if you use a little duck tape and a pack of Bubblicious gum!  To avoid life’s deep potholes and puppy poops, get the answers today for tomorrow’s questions.   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Trick-or-Treating on Halloween night is the only time begging is allowed. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to look like an ass when you get caught doing the dumb sh*t you thought you got away with.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

When a situation becomes too sticky, rub up against everything like a cat.  –Works every time. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you still have aluminum foil on your TV antenna, you deserve not to have any friends. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If you know you’re a lazy-ass when it comes to waking up in the morning, grease your body with motor oil before going to bed. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’re going to owe someone a big favor for keeping a secret you weren’t smart enough to keep yourself. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Having a ‘Plan B’ is not necessary if you have a big voice and an even bigger stun gun. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Drinking kool-aid from a champagne glass does not make you classy. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you find a strange sense of fulfillment watching the laundry dryer spin, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to have good luck every day. 

…except on any day that has 2 syllables in it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are going to enter a room every time someone ironically says, “…oh sh*t.” 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Receiving death threats in the mail is just karma’s funny little way of saying, “hello.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 14-20, 2010

Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist.  Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind.  You’re only human.  Live a little.  Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

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 Quote of the Week:   “Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”

 

What You Settle For is What You Get

Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses.  Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble.  All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time.  You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that.  If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
 
I’d like to start off today’s lesson with a little motto that I think works for a multitude of situations: “When in doubt, get out.”   Keeping that in mind, let’s begin with the signs of a settle.  
 
Tip #1.  If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap.  They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants.  This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date.  If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out.  You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
 
Tip #2.  If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother.  The road ahead will be rockier than a Bedrock sky scraper.  It’s true that most people meet their matches in nightclubs or house parties, but it’s not always necessarily so that you or that person is a party type.  Nine times out of ten, that very same party animal loves the nightlife and the dangers that come along with.  For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue.  What goes on in the night when every eye is shut?  Is it not true that the freaks come out at night?  If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call.  Some ass is better than none at all. 
 
Tip #3.  If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line.  This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!”  You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is?  Is it marriage?  An alternative lifestyle?  Kids?  No job?  No common sense?  A sexaholic?  An alcoholic?  The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers.  Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead.  Watch your step before you fall into a ditch.  Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy.  You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into.   
 
Tip #4.  If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air.  That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them.  Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them.  The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike!    
 
Tip #5.  If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them.  Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be.  If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth.  And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’!   
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To put the matter mildly, what you settle for is what you get, so in order not to settle, you just have to put in a little effort and spot all the signs.  Putting in a little effort is not as hard as you think.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started. 
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Quote of the week:   “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 7-13, 2010

Make the most of every moment with a helping hand from Hottywood Helps.  That catastrophe that lurks around the corner can be avoided with a little insight from the guy who has all the answers! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It doesn’t always pay to look good. Your shoes are too small and your feet hurt. You should learn to love your toes like 10 friends on a camping trip.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

To the world around you, your face looks as if it froze – mid sneeze. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t worry about losing any friends. Worry about finding out who your real friends are. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Ask any questions you want. If you don’t get the answer(s) you’re looking for, beat it out of the person you’re asking. Nothing says “truth” more than a good ass whooping.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Big, bold, and bursting with energy. That’s you today. Make sure your ski mask matches your shoes and avoid boys in blue carrying silver bracelets and BB guns. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You need a private audience with someone of importance, but since no one is as important as your selfish ass, a one-night-stand will have to do. Have fun, you freak!

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Don’t catch an attitude when your neighbor tells you you can’t plug your extension cord in their electrical socket. This should teach you to pay your damn electric bill, El Cheapo!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The stain on the armpit of your shirt is not soy sauce from that wild night at the Chinese joint. It’s the residue of your body stench. Remember: showers are as important as peanut butter is on a PB&J sandwich. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

To change your luck, wear your underwear on the outside of all your clothes.  Just stay away from Catholic churches, prisons and barbershops. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Hot passion meets cold steel.  Your date may not turn out quite the way you’ve planned.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The result of your future lies at the pointy end of a samurai sword.  You have all the power you need.  And the documentation from the psych ward to prove it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You may want to notice the little subtleties that show that you are getting on someone’s nerves. Not that you have to do anything about it – just notice it. It could be entertaining.

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 Quote of the Week:   “You lead more flies than cicadas to a jar of pickles.”

 

I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.” 

A Day in the Life in the Hills of Hottywood

Misconception
 
There are many myths that lurk in the cold streets of Hottywood.  But let me tell you it’s not all the glitz and the glamour you may imagine.  It has nothing to do with sex, drugs or booze.  It’s not about money, fame, or chasing lost dreams.  Sure, there’s no denying all those things are great; they’re the perks that come with the package.  It’s about so much more; more than principle; more than revenge; even more than respect.  Because in the hills of Hottywood, you’ve got to want it all
 
The Bum Wrap
 
The day started like any other – brandy, spiked with a little coffee – iced.  A tailored pinstripe get up, accessorized with expensive shoes, and a few slices of bacon wrapped in aluminum foil to get the day going.  Afterall, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I got a call from Jimmy “The Fish,” asking me to meet him at the cafe on the hill – low key and under the radar.  Jimmy and I go way back.  All the way back to when tube socks with rings around the ankles were just as popular as stiffing a meter in a cab.  You couldn’t pin old Jimmy though even if you were a sumo wrestler on steroids.  He’s slippery like a fish and would rat you out for a nice shiny brick of gold.  But he doesn’t lie.  
 
I met up with him at the Banana Boat cafe.  It’s a classy dive with crappy music, but the drinks make up for the misinterpreted entertainment.  As I sipped on my Jack and coke, Jimmy confessed to me that he’d gotten mixed up with some bad guys over a small bag of ice worth more than Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot!” phrase.  He needed me to hold the prize while he got his name off the radar.  I figured I owed him for all the jams he’s gotten me out of in the past. I generally don’t mix with the bad guys.  However sometimes you have to know some in order to determine how to play the game.  At any rate, I agreed to help out my pal.  Anything for a friend, right?  
 
Upon leaving the block of the rendezvous point with Jimmy, a long, black stretch limo pulled up in front of me.  “Mr. Hottywood, I presume.”  A husky voice traveled behind an exhale of smoke from a Cuban cigar smoking creepy old guy with dark shades, speaking from the other side of amber tinted windows. 
 
“Are you a bill collector?” I asked, sarcastically yet calm. 
 
“You can say that.” he responded. 
 
“I don’t believe I caught your name.”  This conversation was taking a risky turn and I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. 
 
“You will, Mr. Hottywood.  You will.” 
 
And with that reply, the window raised until the only thing I could see through the glass was my own reflection, just before the limo drove off, leaving me with an accelerated heart beat and some bruises on my ass from kicking myself for getting mixed in Jimmy’s scum wraps.  
 
I decided to skip work and head back to the loft for a pick-me-up with nothing more than my thoughts and a chilled bottle.  Why would Jimmy pawn his stash onto me knowing this deal was something more than I’d ever get involved with?  Jimmy’s many things, but careless is not one of them.  So now it’s time to think; think like Jimmy. 
 
After a few sips and a couple of zzz’s, I hit the pavement.  I had to get some scoop on the tobacco inhaling boss man.  I had to be prepared for anything.  Greed is blind and it doesn’t know when to stop.  It’s up to me to find order.  
 
Deonatello Ward
 
He’s one of the city’s top crime lords.  He owns most of the swankiest hangouts, stock in the local police department and every hustler on every corner this side of the oak tree. 

First rule of the game.  Know your enemy.  I think it’s about time to pay a visit to Miss ChiChi Ortegaopolis.  She’s my dig on the inside.  You’d be amazed at how much information you can learn about someone with nothing more than a nice smile, good interpersonal skills, a cigarette and a blackberry.  It’s time to even the playing field.  Mr Ward, let the games begin.  
 
The Informant’s Rules
 
Unironically, nearly moments after I shagged my set of eyes for a little 411 on my S.O.S, I noticed I was being tailed by the cops.  This time, unpaid parking tickets had nothing to do with anything.  This was a setup.  However things came to no surprise.  Nothing suprises me in the hills of Hottywood.  My snitch is just as elusive as Jimmy.  She’s dangerous, conniving and manipulative, but a real knock-out.  And beauty is one cold mistress.  One thing I’ve learned from this fox is that there are a few simple rules that behooves a guy to know if he must scrap with the big dogs:
 
1.  Expect to be deceived.
2.  Know how to read between the lines; and
3.  Always have a plan.
 
Like the steady breeze of the wind, I gave the feds the slip and made my way to the west side of town; where the other half lives.  Acres of land, gated properites, watch dogs and armed agents.  My kind of party
 
Face Your Fears
 
I came face to face with large Egyptian inspired engravings on a door fit for a castle.  “Mr. Ward’s got style,” I thought to myself, though I wasn’t surprised by the flashy taste money can buy.  I rang the doorbell, which chimed louder than a bell tower,  however to no warmed welcome.  In fact, to no welcome at all.  So I took it upon myself to invite me in. 
 
The guards that stood at all the entrances were a breeze to get passed.  I always say, “a few Taebo kicks and punches does just as much damage as it does good.” 
 
I patrolled the home, taking in its exquisite artwork, high ceilings and no sense of coziness, only to be distracted by an infuriated voice coming from behind a slightly shut door. 
 
“You idiots!” Mr. Ward shouted into his tightly gripped telephone receiver.  “What do you mean you let him get away? Find him and I mean right now!”  The force he put behind slamming the phone on the desk revealed all the signs of strings unraveling. 
 
“Mr. Ward, I presume.”  I stood confidently in the threshold of the acoustics-filled office. 
 
“Wha…What?  How did you get in here?  Guards!”  Frantic is the only way to describe the mood. 
 
“I wouldn’t bother disturbing the guards.  They’re all napping right now.  You see Mr. Ward, I don’t like being intimidated, followed or attacked.  That isn’t a proper way to play nice with other chaps, wouldn’t you say?”  The tone in my calm voice lit a fire under his rage.  He was like a bull seeing red, much to my delight.  There’s nothing more gratifying than having a high lead over your opponent. 
 
“Now you listen to me, you little prick!  You’re going to give me those diamonds even if it costs you your life.”  His rage was targeted and his eyes empty.  He stood tall, his shadow draping the wall. 
 
“Diamonds, Mr. Ward?  You mean the diamonds that you stole from Louigi Vasquez and his boys during a certain high stakes game of poker?   You see, I know a little more about you than you think.  However where you got the goods and from whom, I’d say, are the least of your problems.  I think you should be more concerned with that entourage of very pissed off gentlemen surrounding your home with big shiny guns and baseball bats, who I bet are just itching to take back what you stole from them.  The most interesting part of the equation is that all of your guard dogs are asleep and you’re unprotected — without your precious diamonds, I might add.  You’d better think quick, old man.  You haven’t much time.” 
 
When the first round of bullets crashed through the glass of the office window, I knew it was my time to escape.  My plan was merely set in motion.  It wasn’t quite over yet. 
 
The Get-Away
 
Three days later I woke up early to meet Jimmy at the Banaba Boat for another 80 proof cocktail.  He brought with him a most entertaining front page newspaper article whose title read: FRONT RUNNER CRIME LORD FATALLY SHOT IN HOME; NO SURVIVORS/NO SUSPECTS. 

Although we laughed at the fact of Mr. Deonatello Ward finally getting a taste of his own medicine, no doubt jeopordizing the lives of his knights of the roundtable, we found more humor, as well as solace in knowing Louigi Vasquez and his gang will never find out what happened to the ice. 

Jimmy actually came through in the end.  He always said that I was the smartest, most capable person he knew, and that he could trust me with anything.  Even his life. 
 
The End
 
In the end, I learned that even though our friendship had its rough moments, the 50% split Jimmy offered me for the diamonds more than made up for the heat.  $75 million never looked so good.  I guess sometimes it pays off to hang with the wrong people for the right reasons.  And thus ladies and gentlemen, concludes a day in the life in the hills of Hottywood.