Make the most of every moment with a helping hand from Hottywood Helps. That catastrophe that lurks around the corner can be avoided with a little insight from the guy who has all the answers!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It doesn’t always pay to look good. Your shoes are too small and your feet hurt. You should learn to love your toes like 10 friends on a camping trip.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
To the world around you, your face looks as if it froze – mid sneeze.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t worry about losing any friends. Worry about finding out who your real friends are.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Ask any questions you want. If you don’t get the answer(s) you’re looking for, beat it out of the person you’re asking. Nothing says “truth” more than a good ass whooping.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Big, bold, and bursting with energy. That’s you today. Make sure your ski mask matches your shoes and avoid boys in blue carrying silver bracelets and BB guns.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You need a private audience with someone of importance, but since no one is as important as your selfish ass, a one-night-stand will have to do. Have fun, you freak!
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Don’t catch an attitude when your neighbor tells you you can’t plug your extension cord in their electrical socket. This should teach you to pay your damn electric bill, El Cheapo!
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The stain on the armpit of your shirt is not soy sauce from that wild night at the Chinese joint. It’s the residue of your body stench. Remember: showers are as important as peanut butter is on a PB&J sandwich.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
To change your luck, wear your underwear on the outside of all your clothes. Just stay away from Catholic churches, prisons and barbershops.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Hot passion meets cold steel. Your date may not turn out quite the way you’ve planned.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The result of your future lies at the pointy end of a samurai sword. You have all the power you need. And the documentation from the psych ward to prove it.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You may want to notice the little subtleties that show that you are getting on someone’s nerves. Not that you have to do anything about it – just notice it. It could be entertaining.
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Quote of the Week: “You lead more flies than cicadas to a jar of pickles.”
