Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 7-13, 2010

Make the most of every moment with a helping hand from Hottywood Helps.  That catastrophe that lurks around the corner can be avoided with a little insight from the guy who has all the answers! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It doesn’t always pay to look good. Your shoes are too small and your feet hurt. You should learn to love your toes like 10 friends on a camping trip.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

To the world around you, your face looks as if it froze – mid sneeze. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t worry about losing any friends. Worry about finding out who your real friends are. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Ask any questions you want. If you don’t get the answer(s) you’re looking for, beat it out of the person you’re asking. Nothing says “truth” more than a good ass whooping.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Big, bold, and bursting with energy. That’s you today. Make sure your ski mask matches your shoes and avoid boys in blue carrying silver bracelets and BB guns. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You need a private audience with someone of importance, but since no one is as important as your selfish ass, a one-night-stand will have to do. Have fun, you freak!

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Don’t catch an attitude when your neighbor tells you you can’t plug your extension cord in their electrical socket. This should teach you to pay your damn electric bill, El Cheapo!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The stain on the armpit of your shirt is not soy sauce from that wild night at the Chinese joint. It’s the residue of your body stench. Remember: showers are as important as peanut butter is on a PB&J sandwich. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

To change your luck, wear your underwear on the outside of all your clothes.  Just stay away from Catholic churches, prisons and barbershops. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Hot passion meets cold steel.  Your date may not turn out quite the way you’ve planned.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The result of your future lies at the pointy end of a samurai sword.  You have all the power you need.  And the documentation from the psych ward to prove it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You may want to notice the little subtleties that show that you are getting on someone’s nerves. Not that you have to do anything about it – just notice it. It could be entertaining.

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 Quote of the Week:   “You lead more flies than cicadas to a jar of pickles.”

 

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