They’re Just Not That In To You

Unless you are one of the six people on the planet who are lucky enough to still be hitched to your high school sweetheart, you’ve experienced a failing relationship in some sense of the phrase.  At some point in your poor pathetic and loser-like past, your eyes have swelled and burned with tears of rejection.  You’ve lost sleep and weight wondering why things didn’t work between you and that someone you knew in your heart would be “the one” forever.  Though it’s probably too late to offer any advice over one of those past loves, it’s never too late to prepare yourself for the next heartbreak — and yes, there will always be heartbreak. 

No relationship is perfect and though you may be willing to put in the work to save something that’s crashing quickly, your mate may not be so enthusiastic.  One thing you may have to realize and accept is that you’re just not good enough to settle down with that person who doesn’t want you.  There’s no point in crying about it.  I am a firm believer that for every one good thing, there’s always something better.  So wipe those tears and pay close attention to the lesson you are about to learn.  Getting even may be fun but being hip to the game is more of an effective weapon than sitting at home lonely and depressed while your mate is out tossing their telephone number to anyone who isn’t you. 

Instead of cutting the crotches out of all of your boyfriend’s pants or putting super glue inside your girlfriend’s bra, it would benefit you more to know the signs of disinterest in your affair.  It could save you a lot of despondency in the long run.  It could also save you a few trips to the courthouse and avoid those charges that are pressed against you for your immature behavior in [not] accepting the truth. 

Let’s continue. 

Key Signs Your Mate is No Longer Interested

All things begin and end with communication.  In the beginning your lover can’t get enough of hearing all about you.  All the good, the bad and the down right stupid.  By the end of the relationship, you can talk until your voice is completely gone and that very same mate will not have heard a single word.  Not only because the sound of your voice has slowly become monotonous, but because they couldn’t give a sh*t.  They’d listen to you more if you were nowhere to be found. 

  • Save the time, energy and embarrassment on calling or texting.  If they aren’t going to pay any attention to you in person, the last thing they want to do is devote that much attention to reading your boring ass text messages or listening to your whiny voice over the phone. 
  • Sending emails is a bitch move.  They’re either going to delete your messages or send a “Dear John” letter in reply.  It’s more painful to be dumped via email than in person.  The written words have a longer lasting impact and your mate will have had time to think about how to tell you to take a muthaf*ckin’ hike! 

Spending time with each other will become a chore.  For you, spending time with your mate will be the highlight of your life.  That’s not necessarily a good thing because though you’d simply be looking forward to sharing bonding time, your lover will look at you in disgust — like a person who is allergic to wet alley mutts.  You’d look more pressed and stupid than you’d think.   

  • If you’re lucky or beg long enough, you might be able to get laid once a month – more if your partner likes to drink endless amounts of booze.  It’ll probably take that much liquor for them to be romantically interested in you. 
  • Don’t get your hopes up about going out.  They don’t want to be seen with you in public.  Hell, they don’t want to be seen with you in private.  Going out on a date with someone who could care less about you will only cramp their style.  Stop asking, stop hoping and find a life of your own.  A common problem in most relationships is that the couple tends to not have a life outside of each other.  Boredom quickly follows.  Then disloyalty.  Not necessarily in that order.
  • They won’t bother dressing up for you, either.  They may not even bother showering.  Any little thing that could possibly turn you off will be the name of the game.  Unless you’re a freak who likes the smell of musty armpits or other body parts, this is an immediate red flag.  Either they’re not interested in turning you on or they’re one dirty bitch.  My guess lies behind door #1. 

Other things to watch out for 

If you want to make sure you’re ahead of the game when it comes to someone being turned off by you and the relationship they share with you, then you need to make sure you are cognizant of the following signs:

___Listen out for words like “sure,” “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and the nonchalant shoulder shrug.  Don’t bother asking why they’re not into whatever it is you’re talking about, especially if you’re too weak to hear the truth.  It’s not the conversation; It’s YOU!

___ Pay attention to eye rolling or heavy sighing while you’re speaking.  This usually indicates they are getting tired of forcing themselves to listen to you. 

___ It will probably piss you off when you notice how often they text other people but never respond to any of your text messages.  When that starts happening, just blurt out “Let’s break up!” like you are ripping duct tape off of someone’s eyebrows. 

___ Listen for name dropping.  You can’t miss it because they will suddenly start calling the names of friends you’ve never heard of before during your entire time of dating.  When you ask them who those friends are, they will often go into defense mode and tell you they have friends that you don’t know about.  Be aware that those friends are either people they’re sleeping with or the kind of friends who are encouraging them to dump you.  Either way, you’re pretty screwed. 

Although there are a number of ways to determine just how bad things are between you and your other half, what you’ve just read here are the basics.  If you’re being avoided via telephone, email, in person or in the sack, then you’d better dust off your little black book and start making some back up calls now, otherwise the next few weeks are going to be very lonely and cold.  It doesn’t take that much to get on with your life but it does take a lot of effort.  The good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.  So go on.  Dry your eyes and pull out the skank gear!  If you ever needed an excuse to be a ho for a little while, now’s the perfect time.  No one will blame you.  You’re vulnerable and newly single.  You have to f*ck a few people to find out what you’ve been missing!  And the last I checked, sex was a good thing, especially if you’ve gotten accustomed to not getting any.   

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Quote of the week:    “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find another like me again!”  I’m thinking, “I should hope not!  If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?””     

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

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Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

Which is More Stupid: Ugg Boots or Flip Flops???

Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes.  The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder.  Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops.  But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.

We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm.  Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet.  In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes.  With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay.  This flattens the arch and makes it drop.  The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.

** And we thought having corns was bad? **

Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags.  The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous.  And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.

What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns?  Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”

Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot.  But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair?  Not I!  If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement.  In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”

So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals.  They are just plain wrong!  And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame.  That’ll take no effort at all.  Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses.  Be careful though, while you are running for your life.  You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles.  Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

What is Your Self Worth?

I’ve heard it all before, “I can’t,” “I give up,” “You win,” and my personal favorite, “I won’t even try.”  What the hell is wrong with you, you loser?!   Didn’t your mother ever teach you that no one likes a quitter?  If she hasn’t, then she failed as a mother and deemed you an underachiever who will probably never amount to anything except VIP treatment in a loser’s lounge.  

Why should anyone feel sorry for you?  You’re doing a damn good job of that, yourself.  

**Real talk** If the most faith you have in yourself is the belief that you will never achieve any greater success than counting the fart bubbles you produce in your bathtub, then you might as well pull the plug on that dirty water and go down the drain right along with it.  

Where is your commitment to yourself?  I’m talking about the [self] commitment of amounting to something greater than what you’re already not.  Are you so satisfied with being a nobody whose going nowhere quickly, except home to mommy and daddy, that you’re willing to let your life pass you by?  If that’s the most you can offer yourself, then you are consciously giving up a better life here on this crappy planet because you’re too blinded to see the view beyond your mom’s basement apartment window.  It’s time to dig your way out that barrel and find out what all the other crabs are getting into when they aren’t being captured on beaches and steamed and sold to the highest paying corporate job fish market.     

Sooner or later, you’ll need to stand on top of that express check-out counter, where you usually and most graciously accept your customer’s EBT cards, hold that brown paper bag proudly over your head and say to the masses, “I am greater than minimum wage!”  Then quit your job before your boss has security tackle you to the ground and take away your store discount credit.  After you’ve polished off the last of that 40oz Old English and buried your sorrows somewhere inside that bloated pot belly of yours, you’ll realize that a change is necessary.  And if that final gross belch doesn’t wake you up, perhaps the piercing shriek of your mother’s war cry will when you come home with no paycheck and tell her you’ve been fired for quitting on company’s time.  She’ll call you every name in the book from a trifling nobody to a HOMELESS trifling nobody who couldn’t keep a job bagging groceries for people who only come to your check-out lane to feel better about themselves.  

The bottom line is you can’t quit something you’re too chicken sh*tted to start.  You can have a better life.  Dead end jobs are so yesterday.  Living at home with your parents is so 80’s.  Step into the new millenium.  Find out what you’re worth.  Get laid a little.  Find out what getting laid is worth. 

The moral is if you accept defeat before you even get into the game, you’ll always find yourself at the starting point when everyone else has humped their way to victory with a water-based lube.  Do you really want to be the only dry virgin waiting at the starting line when everyone else has experienced their climax several times and moved on to the next big thing?  If you’re afraid to crawl from beneath that rock and head on over to the boom boom room, then you deserve to be living in a basement.  Quitters never win for a damn reason and the only critters who should feel sorry for your ass are the roaches you board as roommates for taking up their space in the dark.  

Normally I would end by saying that 90% of any effort is getting started.  However in this case, it’ll probably take more effort to finish doing the nothing you started out with while everything else passes you by.

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Quote of the week:    “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”

Hottywood’s Reality Check

What would gossip magazine covers look like if Hottywood were in control of the columns? 

I’ll tell you one thing, there wouldn’t be any deceiving article titles.  Only the truth.  The cut-deep, cold-hearted, ugly truth.   For example:

  • I would be the very one to tell Kim and Kourtney Kardashian to stop being so damn stupid and pressed over these men that don’t want them.  Why the hell is this news-worth, anyway?  How many women get played by their men?  
  • Sarah Jessica Parker and her hubby aren’t speaking.  Big whoop.  I’d pay to have my mate shut the hell up sometimes.  But I doubt if it would make the front page of a major magazine. 
  • Jennifer Hudson’s finally getting married after being knocked up and shacking up with her baby daddy.  I have three words for this, ” The Glamorized Projects.”  Pookie and LaShawnda did the exact same thing last week. 

Yup, if I had control over the press, Hottywood’s Reality Check Magazine would be a book full of “So What’s” and “Who Cares?” 

Check out the cover page below.  It’s time we give some of these phone ass reality shows a real life reality check!

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Quote of the Week:   “Celebrities get paid to be stupid.  They also dress up to make asses out of themselves.  Us commoners do it for free.  Maybe what makes us so stupid is that we aren’t smart enough to get paid for it.” 

-I guess we could if we tried hard enough.  All it would take is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”