They’re Just Not That In To You

Unless you are one of the six people on the planet who are lucky enough to still be hitched to your high school sweetheart, you’ve experienced a failing relationship in some sense of the phrase.  At some point in your poor pathetic and loser-like past, your eyes have swelled and burned with tears of rejection.  You’ve lost sleep and weight wondering why things didn’t work between you and that someone you knew in your heart would be “the one” forever.  Though it’s probably too late to offer any advice over one of those past loves, it’s never too late to prepare yourself for the next heartbreak — and yes, there will always be heartbreak. 

No relationship is perfect and though you may be willing to put in the work to save something that’s crashing quickly, your mate may not be so enthusiastic.  One thing you may have to realize and accept is that you’re just not good enough to settle down with that person who doesn’t want you.  There’s no point in crying about it.  I am a firm believer that for every one good thing, there’s always something better.  So wipe those tears and pay close attention to the lesson you are about to learn.  Getting even may be fun but being hip to the game is more of an effective weapon than sitting at home lonely and depressed while your mate is out tossing their telephone number to anyone who isn’t you. 

Instead of cutting the crotches out of all of your boyfriend’s pants or putting super glue inside your girlfriend’s bra, it would benefit you more to know the signs of disinterest in your affair.  It could save you a lot of despondency in the long run.  It could also save you a few trips to the courthouse and avoid those charges that are pressed against you for your immature behavior in [not] accepting the truth. 

Let’s continue. 

Key Signs Your Mate is No Longer Interested

All things begin and end with communication.  In the beginning your lover can’t get enough of hearing all about you.  All the good, the bad and the down right stupid.  By the end of the relationship, you can talk until your voice is completely gone and that very same mate will not have heard a single word.  Not only because the sound of your voice has slowly become monotonous, but because they couldn’t give a sh*t.  They’d listen to you more if you were nowhere to be found. 

  • Save the time, energy and embarrassment on calling or texting.  If they aren’t going to pay any attention to you in person, the last thing they want to do is devote that much attention to reading your boring ass text messages or listening to your whiny voice over the phone. 
  • Sending emails is a bitch move.  They’re either going to delete your messages or send a “Dear John” letter in reply.  It’s more painful to be dumped via email than in person.  The written words have a longer lasting impact and your mate will have had time to think about how to tell you to take a muthaf*ckin’ hike! 

Spending time with each other will become a chore.  For you, spending time with your mate will be the highlight of your life.  That’s not necessarily a good thing because though you’d simply be looking forward to sharing bonding time, your lover will look at you in disgust — like a person who is allergic to wet alley mutts.  You’d look more pressed and stupid than you’d think.   

  • If you’re lucky or beg long enough, you might be able to get laid once a month – more if your partner likes to drink endless amounts of booze.  It’ll probably take that much liquor for them to be romantically interested in you. 
  • Don’t get your hopes up about going out.  They don’t want to be seen with you in public.  Hell, they don’t want to be seen with you in private.  Going out on a date with someone who could care less about you will only cramp their style.  Stop asking, stop hoping and find a life of your own.  A common problem in most relationships is that the couple tends to not have a life outside of each other.  Boredom quickly follows.  Then disloyalty.  Not necessarily in that order.
  • They won’t bother dressing up for you, either.  They may not even bother showering.  Any little thing that could possibly turn you off will be the name of the game.  Unless you’re a freak who likes the smell of musty armpits or other body parts, this is an immediate red flag.  Either they’re not interested in turning you on or they’re one dirty bitch.  My guess lies behind door #1. 

Other things to watch out for 

If you want to make sure you’re ahead of the game when it comes to someone being turned off by you and the relationship they share with you, then you need to make sure you are cognizant of the following signs:

___Listen out for words like “sure,” “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and the nonchalant shoulder shrug.  Don’t bother asking why they’re not into whatever it is you’re talking about, especially if you’re too weak to hear the truth.  It’s not the conversation; It’s YOU!

___ Pay attention to eye rolling or heavy sighing while you’re speaking.  This usually indicates they are getting tired of forcing themselves to listen to you. 

___ It will probably piss you off when you notice how often they text other people but never respond to any of your text messages.  When that starts happening, just blurt out “Let’s break up!” like you are ripping duct tape off of someone’s eyebrows. 

___ Listen for name dropping.  You can’t miss it because they will suddenly start calling the names of friends you’ve never heard of before during your entire time of dating.  When you ask them who those friends are, they will often go into defense mode and tell you they have friends that you don’t know about.  Be aware that those friends are either people they’re sleeping with or the kind of friends who are encouraging them to dump you.  Either way, you’re pretty screwed. 

Although there are a number of ways to determine just how bad things are between you and your other half, what you’ve just read here are the basics.  If you’re being avoided via telephone, email, in person or in the sack, then you’d better dust off your little black book and start making some back up calls now, otherwise the next few weeks are going to be very lonely and cold.  It doesn’t take that much to get on with your life but it does take a lot of effort.  The good news is 90% of any effort is getting started.  So go on.  Dry your eyes and pull out the skank gear!  If you ever needed an excuse to be a ho for a little while, now’s the perfect time.  No one will blame you.  You’re vulnerable and newly single.  You have to f*ck a few people to find out what you’ve been missing!  And the last I checked, sex was a good thing, especially if you’ve gotten accustomed to not getting any.   

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Quote of the week:    “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find another like me again!”  I’m thinking, “I should hope not!  If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?””     

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

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Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

Which is More Stupid: Ugg Boots or Flip Flops???

Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes.  The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder.  Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops.  But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.

We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm.  Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet.  In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes.  With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay.  This flattens the arch and makes it drop.  The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.

** And we thought having corns was bad? **

Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags.  The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous.  And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.

What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns?  Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”

Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot.  But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair?  Not I!  If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement.  In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”

So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals.  They are just plain wrong!  And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame.  That’ll take no effort at all.  Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses.  Be careful though, while you are running for your life.  You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles.  Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.

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Quote of the week:    “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

What is Your Self Worth?

I’ve heard it all before, “I can’t,” “I give up,” “You win,” and my personal favorite, “I won’t even try.”  What the hell is wrong with you, you loser?!   Didn’t your mother ever teach you that no one likes a quitter?  If she hasn’t, then she failed as a mother and deemed you an underachiever who will probably never amount to anything except VIP treatment in a loser’s lounge.  

Why should anyone feel sorry for you?  You’re doing a damn good job of that, yourself.  

**Real talk** If the most faith you have in yourself is the belief that you will never achieve any greater success than counting the fart bubbles you produce in your bathtub, then you might as well pull the plug on that dirty water and go down the drain right along with it.  

Where is your commitment to yourself?  I’m talking about the [self] commitment of amounting to something greater than what you’re already not.  Are you so satisfied with being a nobody whose going nowhere quickly, except home to mommy and daddy, that you’re willing to let your life pass you by?  If that’s the most you can offer yourself, then you are consciously giving up a better life here on this crappy planet because you’re too blinded to see the view beyond your mom’s basement apartment window.  It’s time to dig your way out that barrel and find out what all the other crabs are getting into when they aren’t being captured on beaches and steamed and sold to the highest paying corporate job fish market.     

Sooner or later, you’ll need to stand on top of that express check-out counter, where you usually and most graciously accept your customer’s EBT cards, hold that brown paper bag proudly over your head and say to the masses, “I am greater than minimum wage!”  Then quit your job before your boss has security tackle you to the ground and take away your store discount credit.  After you’ve polished off the last of that 40oz Old English and buried your sorrows somewhere inside that bloated pot belly of yours, you’ll realize that a change is necessary.  And if that final gross belch doesn’t wake you up, perhaps the piercing shriek of your mother’s war cry will when you come home with no paycheck and tell her you’ve been fired for quitting on company’s time.  She’ll call you every name in the book from a trifling nobody to a HOMELESS trifling nobody who couldn’t keep a job bagging groceries for people who only come to your check-out lane to feel better about themselves.  

The bottom line is you can’t quit something you’re too chicken sh*tted to start.  You can have a better life.  Dead end jobs are so yesterday.  Living at home with your parents is so 80’s.  Step into the new millenium.  Find out what you’re worth.  Get laid a little.  Find out what getting laid is worth. 

The moral is if you accept defeat before you even get into the game, you’ll always find yourself at the starting point when everyone else has humped their way to victory with a water-based lube.  Do you really want to be the only dry virgin waiting at the starting line when everyone else has experienced their climax several times and moved on to the next big thing?  If you’re afraid to crawl from beneath that rock and head on over to the boom boom room, then you deserve to be living in a basement.  Quitters never win for a damn reason and the only critters who should feel sorry for your ass are the roaches you board as roommates for taking up their space in the dark.  

Normally I would end by saying that 90% of any effort is getting started.  However in this case, it’ll probably take more effort to finish doing the nothing you started out with while everything else passes you by.

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Quote of the week:    “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”

Hottywood’s Reality Check

What would gossip magazine covers look like if Hottywood were in control of the columns? 

I’ll tell you one thing, there wouldn’t be any deceiving article titles.  Only the truth.  The cut-deep, cold-hearted, ugly truth.   For example:

  • I would be the very one to tell Kim and Kourtney Kardashian to stop being so damn stupid and pressed over these men that don’t want them.  Why the hell is this news-worth, anyway?  How many women get played by their men?  
  • Sarah Jessica Parker and her hubby aren’t speaking.  Big whoop.  I’d pay to have my mate shut the hell up sometimes.  But I doubt if it would make the front page of a major magazine. 
  • Jennifer Hudson’s finally getting married after being knocked up and shacking up with her baby daddy.  I have three words for this, ” The Glamorized Projects.”  Pookie and LaShawnda did the exact same thing last week. 

Yup, if I had control over the press, Hottywood’s Reality Check Magazine would be a book full of “So What’s” and “Who Cares?” 

Check out the cover page below.  It’s time we give some of these phone ass reality shows a real life reality check!

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Quote of the Week:   “Celebrities get paid to be stupid.  They also dress up to make asses out of themselves.  Us commoners do it for free.  Maybe what makes us so stupid is that we aren’t smart enough to get paid for it.” 

-I guess we could if we tried hard enough.  All it would take is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”

Do You Have What it Takes to be a Disgruntled Employee?

“Another day, another dollar,”  That’s what most working class folks say as they drag themselves out of bed to head to an office where anyone barely knows their name unless they need something.  Yup…you guessed it — just another day at the office.  Or the sh*t hole, as most employees commonly refer to it.  The office is the one place where you are guaranteed to be underappreciated, overworked, left out, judged, criticized and expected to deal with it – all for the love of a small paycheck and a short lunch break.  It’s the American way.

To be eligible for a position in any office situation, you have to have what it takes to prove you are able to handle all things deadly that comes in the forms of memos, emails and useless meetings.  You have to know how to play the game in order to survive.  You heard correctly…the game!  Most of your coworkers could care less about you.  Sure, you may have that one whom you eat lunch with regularly, but don’t be fooled by the 30 minute company.  They’re only hanging with you until quitting time.  At the end of the day, they run off into the night to be with someone way more important than you are.  Don’t be offended by this.  Trust no one and keep a very positive “F*ck You” attitude! 

Let’s take a look at a typical work day, shall we?  After you’ve finished reading this article, you will be able to determine if you have the chops to be someone’s personal slave right-hand man in a general office environment.  Don’t expect to be prepped for the journey you are about to take.  That wouldn’t be realistic in Cubicle Land.  Instead, we’re just going to throw you to the wolves and see how you fend for yourself.

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Most commonly, the workday opens with you complimenting your supervisor on yet another one of his boring staff lectures.  However, because you are so stoned and hung over from the night before, you are too wasted to realize that that lecture was last Thursday.  Don’t be alarmed.  There are so many of those meetings that begin and end with the same speech your boss delivers like a walking TIVO, they all sound alike.  Just continue kissing his ass and hope he doesn’t smell the alcohol that’s oozing out of your pores.  Too much talking will raise suspicion as you’d normally try to avoid any conversation with him, in effort not to be given any more work assignments, so know when to the shut up and walk away.

If you’re lucky enough to make it pass your boss unscathed, you’re off to a good start.  But you’re not out of the water yet.  It won’t be long before that very same boss calls you from your desk, by the wrong name of course, to ask you a ton of questions that you’re expected to the know the answers to, although it will probably be the first time you’ve ever heard anything about the subject in which your boss is referring.  Just nod and smile and tell him/her that you’ll get right on it.  Once you’ve wiped that discreet worried little smirk off your face, go back to your desk, take a swig of that stale coffee you got from the cafeteria and check your email.  Not your work email!  That’s too responsible.  Check your personal email.  You’re not a lazy, disgruntled employee until you’ve mastered the art of slacking off.  Who knows?  Something may be good enough to give you a reason to use sick leave for the rest of the day.  If you have a fear that your computer is being monitored, here’s what you do: after you’ve nearly killed yourself to get the answers your superior is looking for, take a baseball bat and use their head as target practice.  That way, they’ll understand the headache you got trying to obtain those damn answers.  Remember the motto quoted for every office across the nation – “An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.”

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through your first part of the day.  You deserve a pat on the back.  You’re looking good.  But don’t do any cartwheels just yet.  So far you’ve managed to kiss your boss’ ass, slacked off a little bit, gagged on yesterday’s coffee, scrambled to get some work done that you’d ordinarily ignore and went to lunch with someone who barely knows who you are.  Unfortunately the rest of your day will be as crappy as it was when the morning first began.  This is the point where things plummet downhill. 

Now you’re back to the office.  You have a full stomach and can’t wait to get to the bathroom to light it up with your offensive ass gas.  But wait, you’re entry badge isn’t working.  In addition to having to sh*t bricks, you now have to show your embarrassingly ugly photo id to the security guard and hope that he doesn’t bust a gut laughing at your ridiculously hideous picture. 

I would normally tell you not to sweat over this, but you know just as well as I do that that picture is far less than just bad lighting.  It’s one f*cked up picture.  No, seriously.  Oh well, one catastrophe at a time.  Accept being the butt of the joke and make a mad dash for the first restroom you see before you stink up the whole place with the bubbles building up inside your tummy.  Just don’t forget to leave a memorable message to that very same security guard, telling him exactly what you think of him.  This will probably be the hightlight of your day.  Don’t worry.  It’s almost over. 

Remember that excuse you were hoping to get that would allow you to use a few sick leave hours to get out of the office early?  Well, you can hang that up!  By now, the office has completely fallen apart and you are stressed to no end.  You’ve received an email from your kid’s babysitter informing you that an emergency has come up and that you need to pick up your offspring.  Naturally, your boss isn’t going to approve your leave and there’s no daycare facility at your job.  You have no other choice but to bring your baby back to work and scotch tape them to the bulletin board.  Don’t make it a habit.  In your colleagues’ eyes, you have a choice to make:  either work or home?  But with the money you make, you can probably build yourself a nice cardboard home right next to your office building.  How convenient would that be?! …that is if you haven’t completely keeled over from all the stress.  In that case, make sure your last will and testament is saved on your computer.  Your lunch buddy will want to know if he can get your swivel chair once you’ve kicked the bucket for good.    

That’s it!  You did it!  You made it to the end. You probably didn’t think you could do it, but you’ve come to the close of what most employees like to call “hell on Earth.”  Don’t get too hasty.  Since your id badge didn’t work and the security guard is no doubt looking for your ass for leaving that harsh message on the bathroom floor, you now have to be just as crafty and creative in getting out of the building as you were for surviving your day in general.  Well let me give you two choices:  Dig a hole and claw your way to freedom or simply burn the whole effin’ building down.  Why should you be the only miserable person in the office?  Whatever you choose, your decision will take a little effort but it’d be worth it.  Having the gall to pull it off is the main issue, though it’s not as hard as it sounds.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”

 

Size DOES Matter

As an honorary member of the Big Boy Society who also happens to harbor an inner fat kid, even I know there are a few rules that a plus-sized person can not bare to break; wearing anything see-through (especially if it exposes your nipple rolls), leaving the buffet table more than six times with 2 plates per trip, and squeezing your big ass into a small car.

Far be it from me to pull anyone’s cards, especially anyone who’s larger than I am.  Quite frankly, I’m just plain scared.  But I also happen to be concerned for my fellow man’s safety and confidence level.  Being a child who grew up in an inner city neighborhood who never weighed more than about 90lbs, I know what it’s like to be taunted by your peers, your family, and even total strangers.  However, there are some things that you just don’t do!  For example, I could never bring it upon myself to order a diet soda.  If I lost any more weight, I probably would’ve disappeared altogether.  I also couldn’t get on any roller coasters at the amusement park because I’d surely fly out of the car when it dropped down one of those steep hills or flipped upside down on the loops. 

Having said that, with the economy being the way it is and auto dealers seemingly spending all their money, time and efforts focusing on compact cars, where does that leave the more-than-average-sized drivers?  Are they reduced to driving only convertibles?  Are they expected to scotch-tape two small vehicles together to form one larger automobile?  Of course not.  There are options.  There are always options.  That’s not the issue here.  The issue here is to raise a red flag for those bigger persons who are purposely buying small cars.  Outside of saving a few extra bucks, what the hell are you thinking???  There are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t waste your money on a vehicle that’s not accommodating to your size but we’ll only focus on three, for now. 

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(1)  It isn’t safe.  Consider the law of physics here, folks.  A midsize vehicle will always perform better on crash tests than a small car.  The larger vehicle will apply greater force to the smaller one, causing more damage.  Now consider a person of above-average size sitting in that small car during impact.  Where a regular sized person would bump their head on the steering wheel, a taller or larger person would very possibly hit the windshield…or fly straight through it. 

(2)  It draws unneeded ridicule.  Let’s face it — it’s hard enough living in this society as it is.  Kids are cruel.  Adults are cruel.  Anorexics and bulimics are cruel.  Why draw focus to yourself by immolating a clown car act at the local circus?  Unless you’re going to use those potato chips as ammunition to load into a rocket launcher, you can avoid the extra attention.  The next time a car dealer tries to sell you a car that you know is not compatible with your body proportions, punch him in the forehead and ask him who the hell does he think you are?  You’re not stupid!  Hungry maybe, but definitely not stupid. 

(3)  It’s down right uncomfortable.   Who wants to squeeze into a car?  Who wants to have to add material to a seat belt so that it fits properly?  Who wants sunroofs on both sides of their vehicle?  Who wants to put elastic on their automobile so that it stretches when necessary?  If you’re going to save money by buying a more fuel efficient, eco-friendly car, why spend the extra savings on pimping your ride for body comfort?  The size of the vehicle is smaller; the engine is smaller; the weight capacity is smaller.  It just doesn’t make sense to pay for discomfort.  Not to mention it looks kind of silly, which takes us back to rule #2 – It draws unneeded ridicule. 

A simple solution to drive the vehicle of your choice without judgment is to go on a diet.  No matter whom you are or how strong of a person you are on the inside, even a little judgment will get under your skin.  And if you wanted to go on a diet — you would, for reasons far more greater than fitting into a damn car, so that option’s probably out [unless you’re considering gastric bypass, which I personally wouldn’t recommend].  So what do you do?  “What are my options?” you may ask.  Here’s a list of vehicles that I’ve found to be a great match for larger or taller persons.  They look great and also have a bigger impact when it comes to running down those ridiculous skinny bitches who are just jealous because there’s more of you to love.  Take a look: 

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 Convertibles:

  • Chrysler Seabring
  • Volkswagon Beetle 

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 Minivans:

  • Ford Econoline Wagon E-150 XL
  • Dodge Caravan

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 Pickup Trucks:

  • Nissan Titan or
  • any of the Ford F-series

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 SUVs:

  • Jeep Wrangler
  • Toyota Land Cruiser
  • Chevrolet Suburban 

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You see, there’s nothing wrong with riding in style and comfort.  There’s no need to squeeze into a car like packaged meat.  You can drive a bigger, shinier, fancier car that’s made to run down those skinny haters who will never know what it feels like to enjoy a decent plate of steak and potatoes doused in A1 sauce and followed by a big ass cup of kool-aid.  You can take that to the bank, baby!  All it takes is little effort and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “There is nothing more sincere than the love of food.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.

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Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

There are certain etiquette rules one must follow when working in an office environment.  For instance, when you belch you should really say, “Excuse me.”  The same is true when you let out an obtrusive passing of the ass.  Sure, you may not want to.  You may not even care.  But it’s just the proper thing to do.  Think of it like walking downtown with your clothes on.  You probably would prefer to be naked but politics and the law, make the task simply daunting, and being the good law-abiding citizen that you are — who only holds up liquor stores on the weekends — you must play by the rules.

Unfortunately, no matter how many envelope openers you may want to throw at your coworkers, you can not fault them for following traditional office setting protocol. Asking someone how they’re doing is a standard act for anyone who’s an active part of the working community.  The easy part is replying with a simple one-worded sentence which usually sums up the description of your mood – “Fine,” followed by an annoyed gasp of breath and a look that could melt butter.  The hard part, on the other hand, is listening to that very same coworker volunteer an update on how they’re doing [or feeling]; “volunteering” being the operative word here.  There is nothing worse than listening to someone go and on about something that you care nothing about.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you should care about the stories that boring clod is telling you?  Most average working class people really don’t want to hear all the blah blah about their officemate’s night before.  They don’t want to hear about the long drive into the office or the report analysis that’s going to be discussed in further detail in the next staff meeting.   They don’t even want to hear the lame ass jokes that are guaranteed not to make you laugh.  What they do want is to be left the hell alone!  They want to be at peace with their coffee and their personal email.  They want to avoid the phony relationships, the hierarchy of supervisors and the constant telephone calls that never end.  In fact, having to speak to customers on the phone should be the only time uninteresting stories are bombarded on anyone at the office.  The average person spends 60% of their workday on the phone putting out fires in someone else’s shattering life.  The gripes, grievances, sob stories and fragmented inquiries almost drives a person to wanting to start a fire – burn that office building to the mutha-effin’ ground!

Though starting a blazing fire may be too extreme for some workers, there are other things you can do to avoid the death-like stories of your colleagues, who deem themselves an extended part of your family, considering you spend more time at the office than you do in your own home.

(1) You can rip off your ears and hand them over to whoever refuses to shut the hell up.  That way they can finish talking while you are deaf to all the world around you.

(2) You can snatch the lips right off their face and leave them on top of the water cooler.  Pulling this trick off may offend the person talking, but in the end they’ll thank you.  People do most of their chatting at the water cooler, anyway.

(3) You can take a gun and blow a hole in the side of your head.   That’ll save the undesirable chatter-box from talking you to death.

Smacking them and calling them out of name may be your first thought, but it would also be your one-way ticket to the unemployment office.   However, if you’re planning on quitting the job anyway, you have nothing to lose!  Also, don’t rule out running away from the conversation with your hands waving in the air or something as simple as passing out.  Slamming your head into a wall is also a good way to indiscreetly give someone the hint that you’d enjoy a stomach ache more than the conversation at hand.  Listening to the intricate details of someone’s boring life is just way too much to ask first thing in the morning.  Whatever way you decide to make your quick grand exit from listening to someone talk you to death, just keep in mind that it will require a little effort on your part.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the Week:    “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 9-13, 2010

Did all of the toilet paper run out at the worst possible time???  Well, you could’ve avoided that catastrophe if only you had come to Hottywood for a few answers!  Never fear.  It’s not too late. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Wearing last Sunday’s underwear this Tuesday will bring you bad luck on the day after tomorrow.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Two bitches are going to fight over you today.  Stay away from whores named Luck & Karma.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

All of your socks will have holes at the bottom from where the stench burned through. This is a good week to start bathing in ammonia.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

When things can’t get any worse, your level of luck will be at its highest low peak.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

A baseball bat will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Watch your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

There are two sides to every story; yours and the truth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The best compliment you can offer somebody is to leave the room.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People aren’t telling you to “…shut up,” b/c it sounds good. Either your breath stinks or you talk too much.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If your armpit hair is shedding like cat fur, something’s wrong.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Mooning a clergyman is your bargaining chip to get into heaven.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are smart enough to know that no one is stupid enough to believe you’re as smart as you want everyone to think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t worry. Being an idiot is only a bad thing when you say it out loud.

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Quote of the Week:    “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”

How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest?  Of course they are, but they don’t have to be.  After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at?  Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per day week, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun while hoping your ears suddenly fall off, as you listen to the agenda of items that have absolutely nothing to do with your particular work load.  Here are a few ideas to help spruce things up the next time your director calls an all-hands staff meeting.  Keep in mind that some of your colleagues may not have the same kind of warped humor as you do.  Most of your colleagues probably will have no sense of humor at all, which will make these ideas all the more enjoyable for you.  Nothing says funny like the look of shock and disgust on someone else’s face.  Humor, at the expense of others, is the best form of flattery!  

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  

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If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  

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Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  

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Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.

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It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  

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It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  

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There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  

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If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”

What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Can we talk seriously for a moment?  …I didn’t think so, but let’s give it a shot anyway.  

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants.”  But what happens when the heart you want doesn’t want you back?  Wait.  Here’s a more thought provoking question: What happens when the heart that didn’t want you before, wants you now?  How do you deal?  Do you overlook the pain and suffering you endured when you were rejected by that special someone?  Do you pretend those feelings never existed or proceed with a lot of caution and a lot more ninja stars?  The answers are never easily revealed.  For the most part, it’s a matter of, you guessed it — the heart.  

Some people believe in second chances.  Some believe in fate.  Some believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those people are silly.  The really smart people believe that there are reasons why things didn’t work out the first time.  And those people are right.  Nine times out of ten if someone is trying to win you over or win you back, it’s because they miss you or something about you.  That much is worth the flattery but not necessarily the revisit.  There’s no guarantee that the second time around would be better than the first.  In fact, chances are it would be a recap of the tubs of ice cream and comfort food you wolfed down when you were dumped; stranded; ignored; rejected; underestimated; and underappreciated.  Only a fool would agree to go through that torment and weight gain again.  If there is/was something that someone didn’t like about you to begin with, it’s only a matter of time before those same turnoffs turn them off again, carrying your ass right back to the drawing board. 

Instead of asking yourself gratuitous questions like, “What if…?” this is your moment to take the opportunity to revel in the delight of getting the last laugh.  Somewhere between those buckets of tears and buckets of wings, you said to yourself that your ex lover would miss you when you were gone.  You may not have known when, if, or even how, but you knew in your heart that you were worth missing.  Them crawling back to you while whispering sweet nothings is the validation you could’ve only dreamed of and hoped for.  This is your just reward for loving someone who wouldn’t love you back; your trophy; your red ribbon!  The best part of sitting in the winner’s circle is that you know you are better than before.  You don’t need justification.  You don’t need someone else to tell you how great you are.  It’s nice to hear, but it’s not necessary — especially if it’s coming from someone who’s only speaking with empty words. 

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Life has a funny little way of telling you some good sh*t.  You just have to be open to listening to what it has to say.

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Always remember, “the path to your future does not rest in the baggage you carry on your back.”  Moving on and accepting new things is not as difficult as you may imagine.  Granted, it may take a little effort but 90% of any effort is getting started, the rest is a breeze.   Get the last laugh.  Laugh long and laugh loud! 

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Quote of the week:   “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.” 

Restaurants: Serving up a Side of Sexual Harassment & Germs

There’s a certain level of etiquette one expects when visiting a fine dining establishment — ah hell, when visiting any dining establishment.  Most folks expect service with a smile, courteousness, good hygiene and maybe general awareness of what the hell they are doing.   But how many times have you gone into a restaurant and have been pawned over by your server?  Have you ever stopped to count the number of times they’ve gazed into your eyes or rubbed your back or dropped their pencil so they can look between your legs from underneath the table? What is this, a brothel?  

Every now and then, you may get lucky enough [enter sarcasm here] to sit down and have a glass of sexual harassment with your meal.  Never mind silly little things like germs, the common cold and oh, I dunno — swine flu!  These days, waiters and waitresses are serving more than biscuits.  They are serving lap dances!  Sure, this may be fun if you’re a middle-aged man or woman with little to no sex life, or a young sleaze or skank who wants nothing more than to be groped by a stranger wearing only an apron.   However to the common restaurant goer, water and bread will suffice.  And we’re not talking dollar bills and body juices.  

Most people can get beyond a little bad service.  To some degree it’s acceptable to keep your guests waiting for 30 minutes or serve cold food or completely screw up an order…maybe even undercook your food until it’s practically raw.  But when you think of the number of people your host has touched in a span of about four to six hours, things begin to get a little dicey.  The germs that they’ve picked up from the backs they’ve rubbed or the hands they’ve shaken or the dollar bills they’ve collected in tips have settled onto your plate, silverware, napkins, straws and glasses, leaving you contaminated with someone else’s pervert juice.  Let’s face it, now-a-days it’s probably safer to just walk into a restaurant wearing a full body condom.  Though it may not be the nicest thing one can say to a host or hostess, when they ask if there’s anything they can get you, your best bet is probably to reply to them, “You can get the hell away from me!”  But who wants to be rude?  Just refuse to eat the food or drink the beverages.  In fact, ask them to point you in the direction of the nearest faucet and you can drink the water straight from the tap.  It’s probably more sanitary, anyway.

After giving it a little bit of thought, the servers are the forefronts of the restaurant itself.  They are the faces of the company.  Having said that, what the hell is going on behind the scenes?  Are the chefs sweating in our food?  Are they spitting on our sourdough?  Are they sneezing in our salad?  What are all those eleven herbs and spices, anyway?   Who does a guy have to screw to get some answers around here?  Well, I take that back considering that most of the restaurants in our pop culture today are fast-food f*ck-fests.

If you ask me, you’d do better just keeping your ass at home.  At least there, the germs you put in your food are your own. 

So the next time you go to your friendly neighborhood mockery eatery, be sure you equip yourself with enough sanitizer to kill all the germs that share the same breathing space as you.  I wouldn’t rule out metal armor, but that could be more trouble than it’s worth, depending on how you look at it.  It could be beneficial to cloak yourself with medieval armor if you put forth enough effort.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the Week:   “You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke alarm as a timer.”