This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles.  Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple.  They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You are your own boss.  You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Anyone who lies for you will lie to you.  And that’s no lie. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Someone will confide in you.  The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.” 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”