This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles. Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple. They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are your own boss. You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Anyone who lies for you will lie to you. And that’s no lie.
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September 23 – October 22
Someone will confide in you. The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you.
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Quote of the Week: “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”
Who needs papers when they have such a lovely site to read? Such a wonderful surprise to get to your blog. Thank you smart search engine for bringing me here.
CU!