How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest?  Of course they are, but they don’t have to be.  After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at?  Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per day week, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun while hoping your ears suddenly fall off, as you listen to the agenda of items that have absolutely nothing to do with your particular work load.  Here are a few ideas to help spruce things up the next time your director calls an all-hands staff meeting.  Keep in mind that some of your colleagues may not have the same kind of warped humor as you do.  Most of your colleagues probably will have no sense of humor at all, which will make these ideas all the more enjoyable for you.  Nothing says funny like the look of shock and disgust on someone else’s face.  Humor, at the expense of others, is the best form of flattery!  

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  

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If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  

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Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  

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Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.

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It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  

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It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  

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There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  

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If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”

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18 thoughts on “How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

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