Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 9-13, 2010

Did all of the toilet paper run out at the worst possible time???  Well, you could’ve avoided that catastrophe if only you had come to Hottywood for a few answers!  Never fear.  It’s not too late. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Wearing last Sunday’s underwear this Tuesday will bring you bad luck on the day after tomorrow.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Two bitches are going to fight over you today.  Stay away from whores named Luck & Karma.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

All of your socks will have holes at the bottom from where the stench burned through. This is a good week to start bathing in ammonia.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

When things can’t get any worse, your level of luck will be at its highest low peak.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

A baseball bat will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Watch your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

There are two sides to every story; yours and the truth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The best compliment you can offer somebody is to leave the room.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People aren’t telling you to “…shut up,” b/c it sounds good. Either your breath stinks or you talk too much.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If your armpit hair is shedding like cat fur, something’s wrong.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Mooning a clergyman is your bargaining chip to get into heaven.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You are smart enough to know that no one is stupid enough to believe you’re as smart as you want everyone to think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t worry. Being an idiot is only a bad thing when you say it out loud.

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Quote of the Week:    “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”

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