As an honorary member of the Big Boy Society who also happens to harbor an inner fat kid, even I know there are a few rules that a plus-sized person can not bare to break; wearing anything see-through (especially if it exposes your nipple rolls), leaving the buffet table more than six times with 2 plates per trip, and squeezing your big ass into a small car.
Far be it from me to pull anyone’s cards, especially anyone who’s larger than I am. Quite frankly, I’m just plain scared. But I also happen to be concerned for my fellow man’s safety and confidence level. Being a child who grew up in an inner city neighborhood who never weighed more than about 90lbs, I know what it’s like to be taunted by your peers, your family, and even total strangers. However, there are some things that you just don’t do! For example, I could never bring it upon myself to order a diet soda. If I lost any more weight, I probably would’ve disappeared altogether. I also couldn’t get on any roller coasters at the amusement park because I’d surely fly out of the car when it dropped down one of those steep hills or flipped upside down on the loops.
Having said that, with the economy being the way it is and auto dealers seemingly spending all their money, time and efforts focusing on compact cars, where does that leave the more-than-average-sized drivers? Are they reduced to driving only convertibles? Are they expected to scotch-tape two small vehicles together to form one larger automobile? Of course not. There are options. There are always options. That’s not the issue here. The issue here is to raise a red flag for those bigger persons who are purposely buying small cars. Outside of saving a few extra bucks, what the hell are you thinking??? There are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t waste your money on a vehicle that’s not accommodating to your size but we’ll only focus on three, for now.
(1) It isn’t safe. Consider the law of physics here, folks. A midsize vehicle will always perform better on crash tests than a small car. The larger vehicle will apply greater force to the smaller one, causing more damage. Now consider a person of above-average size sitting in that small car during impact. Where a regular sized person would bump their head on the steering wheel, a taller or larger person would very possibly hit the windshield…or fly straight through it.
(2) It draws unneeded ridicule. Let’s face it — it’s hard enough living in this society as it is. Kids are cruel. Adults are cruel. Anorexics and bulimics are cruel. Why draw focus to yourself by immolating a clown car act at the local circus? Unless you’re going to use those potato chips as ammunition to load into a rocket launcher, you can avoid the extra attention. The next time a car dealer tries to sell you a car that you know is not compatible with your body proportions, punch him in the forehead and ask him who the hell does he think you are? You’re not stupid! Hungry maybe, but definitely not stupid.
(3) It’s down right uncomfortable. Who wants to squeeze into a car? Who wants to have to add material to a seat belt so that it fits properly? Who wants sunroofs on both sides of their vehicle? Who wants to put elastic on their automobile so that it stretches when necessary? If you’re going to save money by buying a more fuel efficient, eco-friendly car, why spend the extra savings on pimping your ride for body comfort? The size of the vehicle is smaller; the engine is smaller; the weight capacity is smaller. It just doesn’t make sense to pay for discomfort. Not to mention it looks kind of silly, which takes us back to rule #2 – It draws unneeded ridicule.
A simple solution to drive the vehicle of your choice without judgment is to go on a diet. No matter whom you are or how strong of a person you are on the inside, even a little judgment will get under your skin. And if you wanted to go on a diet — you would, for reasons far more greater than fitting into a damn car, so that option’s probably out [unless you’re considering gastric bypass, which I personally wouldn’t recommend]. So what do you do? “What are my options?” you may ask. Here’s a list of vehicles that I’ve found to be a great match for larger or taller persons. They look great and also have a bigger impact when it comes to running down those ridiculous skinny bitches who are just jealous because there’s more of you to love. Take a look:
- Chrysler Seabring
- Volkswagon Beetle
- Ford Econoline Wagon E-150 XL
- Dodge Caravan
- Nissan Titan or
- any of the Ford F-series
- Jeep Wrangler
- Toyota Land Cruiser
- Chevrolet Suburban
You see, there’s nothing wrong with riding in style and comfort. There’s no need to squeeze into a car like packaged meat. You can drive a bigger, shinier, fancier car that’s made to run down those skinny haters who will never know what it feels like to enjoy a decent plate of steak and potatoes doused in A1 sauce and followed by a big ass cup of kool-aid. You can take that to the bank, baby! All it takes is little effort and 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the week: “There is nothing more sincere than the love of food.”