“Another day, another dollar,” That’s what most working class folks say as they drag themselves out of bed to head to an office where anyone barely knows their name unless they need something. Yup…you guessed it — just another day at the office. Or the sh*t hole, as most employees commonly refer to it. The office is the one place where you are guaranteed to be underappreciated, overworked, left out, judged, criticized and expected to deal with it – all for the love of a small paycheck and a short lunch break. It’s the American way.
To be eligible for a position in any office situation, you have to have what it takes to prove you are able to handle all things deadly that comes in the forms of memos, emails and useless meetings. You have to know how to play the game in order to survive. You heard correctly…the game! Most of your coworkers could care less about you. Sure, you may have that one whom you eat lunch with regularly, but don’t be fooled by the 30 minute company. They’re only hanging with you until quitting time. At the end of the day, they run off into the night to be with someone way more important than you are. Don’t be offended by this. Trust no one and keep a very positive “F*ck You” attitude!
Let’s take a look at a typical work day, shall we? After you’ve finished reading this article, you will be able to determine if you have the chops to be someone’s personal slave right-hand man in a general office environment. Don’t expect to be prepped for the journey you are about to take. That wouldn’t be realistic in Cubicle Land. Instead, we’re just going to throw you to the wolves and see how you fend for yourself.
Most commonly, the workday opens with you complimenting your supervisor on yet another one of his boring staff lectures. However, because you are so stoned and hung over from the night before, you are too wasted to realize that that lecture was last Thursday. Don’t be alarmed. There are so many of those meetings that begin and end with the same speech your boss delivers like a walking TIVO, they all sound alike. Just continue kissing his ass and hope he doesn’t smell the alcohol that’s oozing out of your pores. Too much talking will raise suspicion as you’d normally try to avoid any conversation with him, in effort not to be given any more work assignments, so know when to the shut up and walk away.
If you’re lucky enough to make it pass your boss unscathed, you’re off to a good start. But you’re not out of the water yet. It won’t be long before that very same boss calls you from your desk, by the wrong name of course, to ask you a ton of questions that you’re expected to the know the answers to, although it will probably be the first time you’ve ever heard anything about the subject in which your boss is referring. Just nod and smile and tell him/her that you’ll get right on it. Once you’ve wiped that discreet worried little smirk off your face, go back to your desk, take a swig of that stale coffee you got from the cafeteria and check your email. Not your work email! That’s too responsible. Check your personal email. You’re not a lazy, disgruntled employee until you’ve mastered the art of slacking off. Who knows? Something may be good enough to give you a reason to use sick leave for the rest of the day. If you have a fear that your computer is being monitored, here’s what you do: after you’ve nearly killed yourself to get the answers your superior is looking for, take a baseball bat and use their head as target practice. That way, they’ll understand the headache you got trying to obtain those damn answers. Remember the motto quoted for every office across the nation – “An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth.”
Congratulations! You’ve made it through your first part of the day. You deserve a pat on the back. You’re looking good. But don’t do any cartwheels just yet. So far you’ve managed to kiss your boss’ ass, slacked off a little bit, gagged on yesterday’s coffee, scrambled to get some work done that you’d ordinarily ignore and went to lunch with someone who barely knows who you are. Unfortunately the rest of your day will be as crappy as it was when the morning first began. This is the point where things plummet downhill.
Now you’re back to the office. You have a full stomach and can’t wait to get to the bathroom to light it up with your offensive ass gas. But wait, you’re entry badge isn’t working. In addition to having to sh*t bricks, you now have to show your embarrassingly ugly photo id to the security guard and hope that he doesn’t bust a gut laughing at your ridiculously hideous picture.
I would normally tell you not to sweat over this, but you know just as well as I do that that picture is far less than just bad lighting. It’s one f*cked up picture. No, seriously. Oh well, one catastrophe at a time. Accept being the butt of the joke and make a mad dash for the first restroom you see before you stink up the whole place with the bubbles building up inside your tummy. Just don’t forget to leave a memorable message to that very same security guard, telling him exactly what you think of him. This will probably be the hightlight of your day. Don’t worry. It’s almost over.
Remember that excuse you were hoping to get that would allow you to use a few sick leave hours to get out of the office early? Well, you can hang that up! By now, the office has completely fallen apart and you are stressed to no end. You’ve received an email from your kid’s babysitter informing you that an emergency has come up and that you need to pick up your offspring. Naturally, your boss isn’t going to approve your leave and there’s no daycare facility at your job. You have no other choice but to bring your baby back to work and scotch tape them to the bulletin board. Don’t make it a habit. In your colleagues’ eyes, you have a choice to make: either work or home? But with the money you make, you can probably build yourself a nice cardboard home right next to your office building. How convenient would that be?! …that is if you haven’t completely keeled over from all the stress. In that case, make sure your last will and testament is saved on your computer. Your lunch buddy will want to know if he can get your swivel chair once you’ve kicked the bucket for good.
That’s it! You did it! You made it to the end. You probably didn’t think you could do it, but you’ve come to the close of what most employees like to call “hell on Earth.” Don’t get too hasty. Since your id badge didn’t work and the security guard is no doubt looking for your ass for leaving that harsh message on the bathroom floor, you now have to be just as crafty and creative in getting out of the building as you were for surviving your day in general. Well let me give you two choices: Dig a hole and claw your way to freedom or simply burn the whole effin’ building down. Why should you be the only miserable person in the office? Whatever you choose, your decision will take a little effort but it’d be worth it. Having the gall to pull it off is the main issue, though it’s not as hard as it sounds. After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the week: “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”