Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”

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One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

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