So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter? If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie. Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth. It’s going to be a rough week.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching. In other words — just be yourself!
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
There is no fear in love. The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor. ___________________________________________________________
Libra September 23 – October 22
There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them. Don’t worry. Being lonely is the new “bunned up.”
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Quote of the Week: “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”
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