Despite the fact that Uggs and their many knockoff incarnations have long been considered a “fashion don’t” (unfortunately, unless you live in my neck of the woods), lots of women [and sadly some poorly fashioned men] love and continue to wear the suede and sheepskin catastrophes. The good news, for those of you who are offended by the tragic site of these hideously ugly boots is, winter is leaving with a fond farewell and is opening the doors for spring and summer, taking with it, this suede fashion blunder. Along with the change of seasons however, come the dreaded flip-flops. But before we go into the misfortune of the flip flop, let’s discuss why you should be thanking your lucky stars that the style of the Ugg boot is finally melting away with the madness of winter.
We’ve already established that Ugg boots are nothing but the work of the devil, though devilishly warm. Although they are soft and comfortable, they are not necessarily good for the feet. In fact, experts say that they are doing more damage to the feet than anyone realizes. With each step an Ugg-boot-wearing-idiot takes, the force falls towards the inside of the foot and the feet splay. This flattens the arch and makes it drop. The result can lead to significant problems with the foot, the ankle, and ultimately, the hip.
** And we thought having corns was bad? **
Whether you spend the suggested retail price of $140 for the real thing or $24.99 for the cheap imitation, those damn igloo shoes don’t provide any more comfort than a pair of shoes made out of plastic shopping bags. The bottom line here folks is that these shoes are both ugly AND dangerous. And on top of flattening your foot, they make your feet stink.
What would you rather have – smelly feet or very visible ashy corns? Ladies and gentlemen, enter most hesitantly, “the flips flop.”
Flip flops, also known as thongs, pluggers, or jandals, are an open type of footwear consisting of a flat sole held loosely on the foot by a Y-shaped strap, like a thin thong, that passes between the first and second toes and around either side of the foot. Unlike sandals and very much like Ugg boots, flip-flops lack in proper support for the foot. But forget about support! Who the hell wants to see ½ painted toenails, fungus underneath the baby toe or hard, crusty ash on the heels of people darker than an African’s pubic hair? Not I! If you leave it up to me, people would have hovercrafts for feet and no one would have to be forced to hold in the gag reflex of seeing extra long toenails scraping the pavement. In the wise words of someone who was smart enough to know that showing unmanicured feet is ridiculously cruel and unusual punishment, “Gimme a break!”
So you see folks, whether you want to accept it or not, both Uggs and flip flops are eye sores, environmentally unsafe and detrimental to the proper treatment of animals. They are just plain wrong! And if you are caught on the street wearing either item, you should run for your life in guilt and shame. That’ll take no effort at all. Just picture an army of angry villagers chasing you with burning torches and nooses. Be careful though, while you are running for your life. You can’t get very far with no support for your ankles. Once those villagers catch you, you’ll know exactly what those poor sheep must’ve gone through for the sake of your tacky style.
Quote of the week: “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”