Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

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Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

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