Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life. So what does that mean for the rest of the week? Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we?
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t. It only sounds smart in your head.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand. And you still may get dumped.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.”
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you. They may just thank you for that word of encouragement.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Go out on a date with someone special. Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag. Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”
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Quote of the Week: “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
