Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 11-17, 2010

If looks could kill, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  However there are many other catastrophic things that could happen to you this week if you aren’t prepared with the wisdom of Hottywood Helps. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s only one thing that separates you from that jerk no one can stand – your name! 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but when it comes to your breath, the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The wind beneath your wings is nothing but gas. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t have to wonder if everyone is talking about you behind your back.  They are. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s time for you to see yourself as the asshole everyone else sees you as. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

No one can stomach the lies you’re pulling out of your ass. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week, people will wonder how is it that you have such a big head and nothing ever on your mind. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

There are many reasons to tie someone’s shoe strings together before throwing them into traffic. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’ve tried patience.  You’ve tried understanding.   You’ve even tried silence.  Now it’s time to try threats and bribery. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If someone tells you they need space, take it as a compliment.  You aren’t that fun to be around. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

To some, you are playful, cute and cuddly – just like a chiwahwah.  Luckily you have a face to match.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Stepping out of the norm will cause people to applaud your decision to bathe.

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Quote of the Week:     “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.” 

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