Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”  

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