Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 25 – May 1, 2010

If all your shower water suddenly turned cold and the toilet bowl steamed up with the smelliness of your McDonald’s waste, it could prove to be a bad week.  But why second guess your bad luck when you can get the real answers from someone who knows best? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.  The bright side is that is the bright side. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If people keep telling you that you remind them of a skanky blond haired smurf who wears white pumps after Labor Day, then Houston, you have a problem. More so if you’re a boy.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Terrible consequences may occur if you are hit by a vehicle driven by a penguin wearing smelly gym socks and a smoking a Newport cigarette.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You may be serenaded with a romantic ballad on your birthday that goes a little something like this: “You remind me of jeep…”  Either you’re one ugly mofo or it’s time to go on a diet. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will discover that the person you trust most is on lock down in a cell block that begins with the first four letters of the alphabet.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It’s time to re-evaluate yourself if the person on the other side of the mirror wants nothing to do with you. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Reach out to someone you’d normally never say “hello” to.  Be sure to have a gas mask and a baseball bat handy.  Their breath will remind you why you’re always so blatantly shady. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Going commando is your contribution to giving back to society.  Turning tricks is the new “community service.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You are in for a lot of attention today and it has nothing to do with that questionable brown streak on the back of your pants. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Flash your church minister for an unexpected blessing in the form of a restraining order and a round trip ticket to hell. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You may start off your day feeling as if no one gets you.  Find solace in knowing that your day will end the same way. There’s no point in trying if you’re going to get the same end result. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s a good time for you to hang out with a crowd of friends.  If you don’t have any, go to the supermarket and squeeze a few melons…or breasts.   

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Quote of the Week:     “You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.”

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