There comes a time in a man’s [or woman’s] life when they are absolutely insulted by the smell of someone’s breath. In some cases, the offense can be forgiven. Only when morning has arrived and that terrible delinquent has yet to brush their teeth before facing the shiny faces of typical Earthlings during every day travel, or if a truck load of onions is somehow involved. Otherwise, bad breath is a calling – a yearning – a begging for a beat down!
It happens to the best and worst of people; the pretty prom queen whom every girl hates; the jock that every man wants to be; the church pastor who shouts, “Hallelujah!” directly into the faces of his clergy staff; the supervisor who leans over the shoulder to explain needlessly, the details of office instructions; or even the lover who didn’t mark ‘HALITOSIS’ on the dating application. Bad breath is not a discriminator for its targets. It scoffs at toothpaste and chuckles at Altoids and even bellows at the sight of dental floss. It is an enemy of anyone who is not plagued with the scent of ass cheese, otherwise known as an unclean mouth.
It has nothing to do with curse words or 69s. It is not hereditary. What it is ‘is just plain WRONG!’ It’s the deal breaker for almost anything that requires two people to interact with one another who don’t happen to be deaf or skilled in the art of sign language. It could be a result of the foods you eat, the cigs or plants you smoke or an extreme case of dry mouth – which is usually most prevalent in people who talk too damn much.
Bad breath is a living organism that builds a nest in people’s mouths and continues to grow until the awful smell has consumed everything surrounding them. It can not be dressed up. It can not be hidden. It travels the waves of air like stilettos on marble floors and announces itself in a ball of fire, after which slowly fading into a dark cloud of smoke, usually killing all forms of life from people to bugs.
Having offensive garbage disposal breath for the average man is sure to get you jumped, dumped, talked about, alienated, laughed at, or shoved down a flight of stairs. But if you have been cursed with this catastrophe for a number of years, you have learned how to turn your negative into a positive. In result, bad breath could be a weapon if you are a dragon living in the medieval age. Otherwise it’s just a green ticket to NOT be invited to parties.
Nevertheless, we here in Hottywood aim to help those in need. Below are 5 steps that are guaranteed to help you banish any trace of halitosis, no matter what stage the case may be.
Change Your Breath From BAD to GOOD
Drink more water. Water directly shot into your mouth from a water hose will probably be most effective. Anyone who smells you a mile away will be happy to ready themselves, aim and fire!
Don’t avoid the dentist. He is your friend. Probably your only friend. Not to mention the one person who is paid to deal with that sh*t coming out of your mouth.
Eat a slice of bread. If you’re on one of the many popular low-carb diets, remember that bad breath is a potential side effect when you always have that burger sans bun. Adding a few carbs to your daily diet just might do the trick.
Don’t let your tongue become a dirty carpet. Brush your damn teeth and don’t forget about that bacteria collecting tongue of yours.
Chew gum like it’s going out of style.
Bad breath is not the end of the world, unless you’re on the other end of the spectrum, in which case one should always be equipped with a portable gas mask. Keep the mask near the front door and always remember to grab it along with your keys as you dash out of the house for those ‘just in case’ moments. You’ll find that it’ll come in handy most when you go to work, as coworkers usually come as they are because their colleagues have no choice but to deal with the offense since their paychecks affect their livelihood.
Brushing your teeth is not a chore. It’s a requirement. And though it shouldn’t, all it takes is a little effort. And 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the week: “Man does not live by soap alone.”