Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it. It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public. Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.” Don’t get offended. Aliens are making a comeback.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week. This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions. You may also get a promotion.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Being cheap is not a bad thing. It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels.
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Quote of the Week: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
