Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 2-8, 2010

So the weekend is over and now you’re worried that Karma is on its way to bite you in the ass for that dastardly prank you played on someone you deemed silly, stupid or pointless.  Let me save you some worry.  It is!  Karma is a bad mutha-shut your mouth and ALWAYS gets even.  Luckily, you have Hottywood to tell you what’s in the cards for your luck.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Be sure you have the chops to back up your lies because there are about 10 people lined up to call your bluff.  Watch out for ass whoopings. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all cake diet. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless booze, stripper poles or chicken wings are present. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

All your kisses will taste like raw salmon. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be inclined to be careless, heartless or cold.  Relax. You’re just horny.  Visit the lubricant section of your local porno shop.    

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Something small makes way for something big tomorrow.  Company is coming in the form of acne.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.  

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Unexpressed feelings can brew into a pricey bar brawl.  If you are already a violent lush, then you have nothing to worry about. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Bushy eyebrows are a prefect way to alter an already bad look.  Hamsters are also on sale. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking about your nipples in the third person will result in a very surprising outcome. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be on a spiritual journey toward a bright light, white throne and hand towels.  However, the heavenly choir may sound like a toilet flush echoing in the wind.  

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone may get the wrong impression if you wish them a safe trip over a cliff or an open window.  Who cares?  Think of only yourself.   

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Quote of the Week:     Don’t be so humble.  You are not that great.”

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