So the weekend is over and now you’re worried that Karma is on its way to bite you in the ass for that dastardly prank you played on someone you deemed silly, stupid or pointless. Let me save you some worry. It is! Karma is a bad mutha-shut your mouth and ALWAYS gets even. Luckily, you have Hottywood to tell you what’s in the cards for your luck.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Be sure you have the chops to back up your lies because there are about 10 people lined up to call your bluff. Watch out for ass whoopings.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all cake diet.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless booze, stripper poles or chicken wings are present.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
All your kisses will taste like raw salmon.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You may be inclined to be careless, heartless or cold. Relax. You’re just horny. Visit the lubricant section of your local porno shop.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Something small makes way for something big tomorrow. Company is coming in the form of acne. Prepare to be a laughing stock.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Unexpressed feelings can brew into a pricey bar brawl. If you are already a violent lush, then you have nothing to worry about.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Bushy eyebrows are a prefect way to alter an already bad look. Hamsters are also on sale.
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September 23 – October 22
Speaking about your nipples in the third person will result in a very surprising outcome.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will be on a spiritual journey toward a bright light, white throne and hand towels. However, the heavenly choir may sound like a toilet flush echoing in the wind.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Someone may get the wrong impression if you wish them a safe trip over a cliff or an open window. Who cares? Think of only yourself.
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Quote of the Week: “Don’t be so humble. You are not that great.”
Thank you for the laugh! I’ll make sure to pad my behind and rack up on the pimple cream! Have a great weekend!