Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 16-22, 2010

When the worst seems to get you down and you’ve run out of booby traps in your stained bag of tricks, there’s only one person who can help steer you in the direction away from karma, stink bombs and a winch named “Lady Luck.”  That person is Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your saliva will taste like mop water. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of sky rats.  They are plotting to take over the world.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day – “F*ck it.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Ketchup and white socks hold the answers to all of your questions today.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Chest hair is not meant for braiding.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters.  Unless of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Whoever told you, “winning isn’t everything,” merely found a nice way to tell you it’s best to win at losing than it is to lose at winning. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Do some cleaning today.  Start with your nose and your butt.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your love life is booming as you are likely to attract anyone with no job and a criminal record. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about.  Put your hand over your heart and do what you do best.  Lie. 

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Quote of the Week:     “We must believe in luck.  How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”

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