The holiday weekend is finally over and you’ve gained nearly seven extra pounds on your already fat ass. Hey, you saw that coming a mile away. You didn’t need Hottywood to know that massive weight gain was imminent. But you will need him to tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of post hamburger buns, explosive bathroom stenches and a two-timer named “Lady Luck.”
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The next date you go out on will remind you just how boring you are, considering you’re lucky enough to get asked out at all.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is something about a three piece and a biscuit that is oddly sexy to you. This could spice up your social life, especially if you’re an undercover fat skank.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will eventually find peace, but only when you get to the end of your second 40oz brewsky, on the third day of the sun’s rotation, between 12:24 and 1:37 ½ – pm.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Beneath your good spirited disposition is a backstabbing warthog whose dying to be famous and then betray everyone who helped you rise to the top. Oh, and your socks don’t match.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone will accuse you of spending too much time with a kitchen appliance. However, what you do in your spare time is nobody’s business. Just don’t expect any company over for dinner, you freak.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Enlighten a neighbor of the many ways they can use the word “sh*t” in a sentence. This will prove to them that you are no smarter than they’ve given you credit for.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The most magical place on Earth is not Disney Land. It’s the public bathroom on Route 66.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will feel useless to everyone around you except for when someone needs their trash taken out.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
This is a good week to start a new trend. Consider hair weaves for your eyebrows to set yourself apart from all the rest. Preferably synthetic.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Grab your own ass the next time you’re in public and moo like a cow. If anyone looks at you strangely, hiss like a cat. This will really confuse the hell out of them. Avoid straight jackets.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will have no taste buds for the next three days. There is no better time to get your freak on!
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Something in your anus will cause it to itch for the next week. On top of an irritated ass, you’ll also be cursed to walk through invisible spider webs. This is not a good week for socializing…or sh*tting.
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Quote of the Week: “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
