Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 6-12, 2010

There are many unanswered questions in this jacked up universe of ours.  Now is the time to thank your lucky stars that there’s one psychic left who cares enough to teach you how to pay the universe back for all the mean tricks its played on you in the forms of lying, pimples and broken promises of people who didn’t deserve you in the first place.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A man who eats with one chopstick is sure to go hungry. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You know how there’s always that one person in a bunch you can’t stand to be around? This week YOU are that person.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

A bb gun, a nail clipper and a pair of holy socks will really come in handy when you’ve run out of deodorant.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is not to listen to your own dumb advice.  Listen to someone else so you can blame them when things go wrong. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Sugar and spice and everything nice is what every man picks up with his 5-finger discount when his lady friend PMSes for the 100th time in a damn month.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Everything you eat will taste like it has freezer burn. Even them nasty ass hoes you can’t bring home to mama.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When it comes to your friends and enemies, it’s best to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The crap of a pigeon brings good luck, minus dozens of people pointing and laughing.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Maybe you’re just soooo attractive that you intimidate people from wanting to get into a relationship with you. Yeah, go with that.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

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