It’s been a while since our last fortune telling and I can smell that luck runs in the stinkiest of sewers.  Luckily, the predictions of Hottywood will enable you to safeguard yourself with metal armor and coat hangers. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Man who is too afraid to face light of day should not hang in dark alleys at night. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who insists on driving like a bat out of hell is sure to get there quickly.  To hell, that is. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of crabs when fishing in another man’s well. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Farting in church is sure to have you sitting on your own pew. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You can’t leap off a cliff without jumping to a conclusion, but if you’re thinking of jumping off a cliff, that’s a problem in itself. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Girls who do back springs on bedsprings will have an offspring next spring.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A clear conscience never fears midnight knocking.  Keeping that in mind, “The freaks come out at night.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Everything has beauty but not everyone is beautiful. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A lazy shepherd is a wolf’s friend.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

When a tree falls, the monkeys scatter. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Money talks.  Bullsh*t walks. 

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Quote of the Week:      “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”