It’s been a while since our last fortune telling and I can smell that luck runs in the stinkiest of sewers. Luckily, the predictions of Hottywood will enable you to safeguard yourself with metal armor and coat hangers.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Man who is too afraid to face light of day should not hang in dark alleys at night.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Anyone who insists on driving like a bat out of hell is sure to get there quickly. To hell, that is.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Beware of crabs when fishing in another man’s well.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Farting in church is sure to have you sitting on your own pew.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You can’t leap off a cliff without jumping to a conclusion, but if you’re thinking of jumping off a cliff, that’s a problem in itself.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Girls who do back springs on bedsprings will have an offspring next spring.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A clear conscience never fears midnight knocking. Keeping that in mind, “The freaks come out at night.”
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Everything has beauty but not everyone is beautiful.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
A lazy shepherd is a wolf’s friend.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
When a tree falls, the monkeys scatter.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Money talks. Bullsh*t walks.
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Quote of the Week: “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”
