Potty Problems: A Public Disgrace

Over the course of the last year, we’ve discussed some very interesting mistakes that the common man or woman makes.  We’ve reviewed the flaws and faults of a relationship gone wrong, personal hygiene – from the root of the hair all the way down to the ashy, unclipped toenails.  We’ve talked about liars, cheaters and everything in between.  We’ve touched base on bad ass kids and the “what not to do’s” while sitting in church.  All of these topics are still very valid today but there’s one thing that we must not overlook; one topic that is probably not in the database of any normal person’s conversation.  Lucky for you Hottywood is anything but normal!  I hope you’re sitting down for this.  Better yet, I hope you’re standing up because today we will spotlight the disaster of sharing a public restroom. 

As convenient as it may be to stop and pee-pee or even perform restroom feat #2 in a public facility, there is no denying that the sh*t is gross – so much so until it’s almost understandable for a person to hold their business until they’re in the privacy of their own home.  Now we can sit here and state the obvious of why public restrooms are disgusting – beginning and ending with sanitation, but putting aside the truths of stained toilet seats and rolls of toilet paper with only enough paper to give your ass one good wipe, there is the issue of the dang-blasted smell!  As if walking into a public potty and taking a whiff of the less than fragrant aroma of unwashed body parts weren’t enough, there’s also the offensive scent of accrued combined ass gas that covers the dank room like cracked paint on walls.  No amount of cotton would ever be enough to shove up your nose to mask that deplorable smell.  Funk discriminates against no one.  Women and men alike, should take pride in applying some soap and water to their bums, family jewels and va-jay-jays as well as consider changing their eating habits so that the waste that’s released from their ass doesn’t smell like shark infested sea-water. 

It would probably be more of a convenience if we could just remove our noses like a Mr. Potato Head doll.  However modern technology hasn’t brought us to that era just yet.  Michael Jackson tried it once and the poor guy never did get his nose on right after that.  But you have to admit that the idea is pretty intriguing.  You’ll probably give it more thought the next time you’re sitting in a stall next to someone who’s had two cans of pork & beans for lunch.

Foul smells aside, one can’t overlook the serious violation of personal space.  Something about sitting on a porcelain throne, knowing there’s someone sharing your experience in the stall right next to you introduces a catastrophic level of privacy invasion.  It goes far beyond the definition of “T.M.I. [Too Much Information].”  That level of discomfort is a sure fire way of blocking the concentration flow of excrement release.    …hey I’m trying to keep it as clean as possible here.

To make a long story short, the bottom line is that public bathrooms sit high and pretty on the top of the “Just Kill Me Now” list.   The only thing attractive about them is the convenience.  Despite the  realism of the disgusting smell and the invasion of privacy, there’s a funny little phrase that comes to mind: “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”  I suppose in everyone’s life there comes a time when you just have to pinch your nose tightly, close your eyes, hold your breath and take one for the team.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started, even in a situation as funky as the public restroom on Route 66. 

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Quote of the week:   “The next time you’re in a public bathroom, cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.”

 

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Assess Your Own Personality

It’s time for an individual personality assessment.  Half of the people who take up the Earth’s oxygen need no one to tell them what kind of a screw up they are.  Alas, the other half of Earth’s people can’t wait to point their fingers and redirect the focus from their own jacked-up characters.  Though it’s no secret that the people of Hottywood are less than afraid to speak their minds when it comes to that one bad apple in a bunch, HottywoodHelps.com challenges you to assess yourself to gain a better understanding of how people perceive you.  

Keep in mind that if any of these characteristics offend you, then you’re probably more guilty of being type-cast than you’re willing to give yourself credit for.  Unfortunately that’s a problem you have to deal with within yourself.  Hottywood can only help you realize you’re not as perfect as you want everyone to believe.  

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The Diva 

The “diva” is probably the most common pit-sniffer there is.  Initially the Italian term diva, first introduced in the 19th century, was used to describe a celebrated female singer in the world of opera.  As time progressed, drag queens’ wigs got bigger, and heaven forbid we dare forget the phenomenon we all know as the woman who vows “Crack is Whack” – dear old Whitney Houston, the term [diva], by extension, grew to describe women, and in some cases men, in theatre, cinema and popular music.  Today a diva can be anyone who believes their sh*t doesn’t stink; someone who prides themselves on living on a plateau above from common folk.  And by ‘common folk’ we are referring to anyone who doesn’t give a damn about the diva at all.  The diva is most likely to get beat up in an alley by someone with a low tolerance for self absorbed people.  

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The Powerhouse 

The “powerhouse” is that man or woman who knows he/she is the sh*t but spends more time displaying the reason for being the best at the game through action than word of mouth.  They are the person the diva aspires to be, but unfortunately can’t cut it as.  The powerhouse is typically strong in will and determination and will not rest until a job is done to their satisfaction.  If there was ever anyone’s paper to copy off of during a test, he/she is the person you’d bully into giving you [all the right] answers.  They’re intelligent and resourceful — sometimes too much for their own good.  There aren’t too many days that go by where you don’t want to tie their shoe strings together out of sheer envy.  They are bad mamma jammas but will let you tell it instead of announcing it for themselves.  They deserve kudos for their less than humble personal awareness and probably will get the accolades by any means necessary, simply because success is the only option.  

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The Asshole 

The “asshole” will stand out in a crowd like a puppy’s aged crap load.  They demand your attention to their snake-like ways.  They are trouble; danger; red flags, even.  Everything about them stinks – their personality; disposition; intension; motive; loyalty.  You name it and it stinks!  They are on the bottom of the totum pole merely because no one likes nor trusts them.  They are typically the first to throw you under the bus or even in front of it, for nothing more than their amusement.  Like the diva, the asshole is prone to getting his/her chest pumped with a round of half eaten M&Ms shot from the barrel of sawed off water gun.  When you see an asshole coming your way — and you will because they’re on every corner, like liquor stores and churches — slap them on the forehead and take off running in the opposite direction.  Just be cognizant that the asshole is all about payback.  To them, revenge is sweeter because it keeps asshole-ish drama going.    

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The Unpredictable 

The “unpredictable” person is that someone that’s all right to be around because you never know what to expect.  Just as soon as you think you have their page all read, they’ve written a new verse.  This person is one who can surprise you when you least expect it – and I mean that in both the good and bad sense of the way.  They can be as needy as the diva, as confident as the powerhouse or as shady as the asshole.  Their prediction of personality could depend on the time of day, the direction of the blowing wind or the rumble of a lactose-intolerant stomach.  You can roll the dice all you want but you’ll never know how your luck is going to run with this one.  The fun part is figuring it out, then dealing with what you get.

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Many are guilty of carrying one of the traits of these common characteristics – ‘many’ meaning ‘everyone.’  No one is innocent enough not to pull it off, unless they are about not-born yet years old.   There’s a little bit of a diva, a powerhouse, a certain level of unpredictability…and yes, even a great or small amount of an asshole in each of us.  It’s what makes us special and interesting, to say the least.  The hard part is keeping a great percentage of those overbearing qualities to ourselves, however the good news to that is 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:      “Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 25-31, 2010

The universe has a funny way of laughing at us.  Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens!  That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time.  But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think.  However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Channel your outer beauty.  Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon.  Fight smart not hard.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner.   Avoid hooded ducks on steroids. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own.  That equals disaster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week.  It’s okay.  No one thinks you’re normal anyway. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait.  You’re bound to say something to mess it all up. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone will test your intelligence.  They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.

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Quote of the Week:      “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”

People in Hell Want Ice Water

Somewhere in our cold steel-plated hearts there is a soft spot for those less fortunate than us.  And though we often feel guilty for turning a blind eye to those poor folks who beg for change at the bus stop or stroll up and down the metro train asking for money to get out of the subway, we can’t help but to ask ourselves, “Where do we draw the damn line?”  

There has to be a breaking point when it becomes okay to scream at beggars and panhandlers – using our outside voice, of course – to tell them that the only thing we can spare is the Employment section of a newspaper.  

Guilt is nothing but life’s gag gift.  It’s just an unfunny way for the universe to laugh at us for one thing or another.  However there are some times when you can return that unwanted poorly wrapped swag bag.   No one is – or should be – stupid enough to feel compelled to offer their hard earned funds to people whose hardest [and only] job is to beg for spare change.  The average person would be more than happy to oblige sparing an ass whooping, but there’s not much one can buy with that.  

“Dear Mr. & Mrs. Beggar, I wish I could help you this time but I really don’t want to.” 

Seriously, enough is enough!  As if watching those horribly sad Save the Children infomercials weren’t enough to guilt us into giving our last dime, here you come bombarding us with your liquor-stained breath as you attempt to make your sob stories even more saddening than the poor kids over in the mother land who suffer from kwashiorkor.  And on top of it all, you come begging with an asking price!  It’s no longer $.50.  You ask for anything anywhere between $2.00 – $5.00.  That’s just enough money to go out and by yourself a ½ or whole pint of gin, vodka, or any cheap brand of dark liquor.  

With the economy the way it is now, who the hell can afford to make ends meet and buy your booze?  Sure, you may want us to believe that you’re not an alcoholic but trust me,  the smell of liquor seeping out of your pores is a dead give away!  And you try to mask that scent with a heart wrenching, “Excuse me sir, can you help me buy a sandwich?”  HELP YOU BUY???  What are you bringing to the damn table?  

Look, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not encouraging people to put a pad lock on their wallets and spray ‘Begger-Begone’ all over themselves like it’s some kind of insect repellant.  What I am encouraging is for people to realize that they don’t have to be bamboozled into paying for someone else’s bump.  Especially if they’re not at a nightclub getting someone all liquored up in hopes of getting lucky later on.  Believe me, what you won’t give them, some poor, unsuspecting and obviously affluent fool will.  Whether that fool is you or the person standing next to you, you can rest assured that it won’t be me!  Even if I have to try really really hard to be tight with my change, I find comfort in knowing that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:     “Keeping in mind that many people want many things – people in hell want ice water but you can bet that’s not gonna happen.”

What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger…Or Lucky

Let’s face it – it’s not always easy to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward after soaking in a bad situation.  After dealing with the initial hits, the consequences and the post emotions, you’re pretty much left wiped out – exhausted from the energy it took to endure all the petty bullsh*t and drama.  The good news is if the situation didn’t kill you then it left you stronger.  What the hell does that mean, you may wonder?  It means you’ll be ready for the next time a situation gets rough, tough and down right seemingly impossible to deal with.  But when you’re stuck in one of those ditches, there’s one thing that you can remember that Hottywood strongly believes: NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!  

If you find yourself trapped in a sticky moment and you’re not too sure how you’re going to make it through, there are a few things that you can do to help put your mind at ease.  They may not all be easy, but nothing in life worth having is easy.  After all, if we don’t experience those sh*tty moments, how can we ever appreciate the few good ones?   Sit back, relax, listen and learn.  It’s time for Hottywood to school the clueless.  

To pull through a tough situation, you can always: 

Stop, take a seat and take a load off.  You’d be surprised at how much relief you’d feel mentally if you just release some of the sh*t back into the atmosphere. 

…not to mention how much better you’re gonna feel after that cramp in your stomach dissipates. 

…I’m  just saying. 

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Run, smack into a wall – head first.  If the impact of your face hitting the wall doesn’t completely kill you, you’ll get a sufficient amount of rest in the hospital as doctors and nurses watch over you carefully while you slumber deeply in a coma. 

That’s one way to get away from it all…just don’t go into the light. 

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Chicken wings always works when the world is against you.  Preferably cooked.   If you’re a vegetarian, how much worse off can you be eating meat than you are playing the crappy hand that life has dealt you? 

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Sometimes just saying “No,” is not an option. 

Drink until your face explodes.  Nothing says, “I feel better” more than an oversized cup of 80 proof! 

CAUTION: The pain you may feel in your heart may move into your head after a big gulp of non-virgin.

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Never underestimate the power of a giant slingshot.  It can either be your greatest weapon or your greatest chance of a quick escape!   If you choose to go the ‘slingshot as a weapon’ route, make sure you’re fully loaded with a shopping bag full of fresh puppy poop. 

I’ll let your imagination run wild with this one…

Ready.  Aim.  FIRE! 

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Put any form of aluminum on your forehead for a better brain reception.  You’re bound to come up with a brilliant idea. 

Note:  This may not be one of them.  

…but if it works for a television set, why not?

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Punching — my personal fave — always works!  If you can’t punch someone else, you might as well knock your own daylights out.  

Believe me, this will probably be easier than dealing with some of the blows that people can throw at you,  just not as much fun. 

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Whatever you choose to do to get yourself out of or over a bad situation is entirely up to you.  Whether that choice is kicking, screaming, bunjee jumping off the side of a extra tall street curb or gunning yourself down with a semi-automatic water gun, it’s not that hard to get away from it all.  The key to a great escape is creativity.  The lock is reality.  Either way 90% of any effort is getting started.  You can thank your lucky stars for that.   But don’t rely on luck too much because if nothing else, luck can be a real bitch.

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Quote of the week:   “Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 18-24, 2010

Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes.  This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you.  Are you ready?  Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for.  Why?  Because Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill.  It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your back hair resembles yak fur. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all.  It’s time for a second opinion. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.   

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality. 

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Quote of the Week:      “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

‘Til Death Does This Relationship Part: That’s What Frenemies Are For

Friendship.  We all know what it means, those of us who are lucky enough to have friends.  But these days, can we really consider ourselves so lucky to have an inner circle?  I’d like to think so, but not before I take note that there is this little thing called reality or scripted reality if we refer to the ladies of The Hills, The Simple Life or the Housewives of Atlanta. 
 
Since the dawn of time man has experienced friendship; the cave man, the ice man, the knight, the pirate, the slave and even the meter maid.  For it is true that no man is an island, not even those who look as if they can eat one.  Despite the backstabbing and the double-crossing, and the lying, cheating, stealing and blasphemy, our friends — our true friends — the ones whom we’ve determined are the real deal after we’ve cut through all the red tape — are the people who are there for us. 
 
As we look for these friends along our aimless walk through this universe, we look for qualities in people like: the tendency to desire what is best for us; empathy and sympathy; honesty and perhaps a little harmless lying.   ‘Harmless lying’, in terms of them telling us we look amazing and how the sun rises and sets around us, when we know we look like sh*t or probably make no sense in our words or actions.   A true confidant knows when and how to boost your ego and lead you to believe your dilusion is acceptable. 
 
However as important as it may be to have your road dawgs by your side, it’s equally as important to know who the hell you are as an individual, because as true as your friends may be, they may in some cases, not be worth sh*t.  C’mon, don’t look so shocked.  Though there are people we keep dear to our hearts, some of those same people are crooks, dead beats, underachievers, and point blank losers.  And sometimes, those are their good qualities.  But those qualities are all about what they do, not who they are.  In any case, knowing their capabilities of destruction through their powers that are some times if not most, used for evil — it’s always best to keep your Spidey senses sharp because you never know when its your time for them to turn on you. 
 
In so doing it’s always best to remember to look out for yourself 1st!  If you don’t, you could be at risk of clouding your judgment through what you want to believe on the basis of your friendship.  Know your friends.  Know their strengths and weaknesses.  Plan for the unexpected.  Hell, plan for the expected.  If you have two friends who you know are pathological liars and they’re both revealing some ridiculous story that they think you’re dumb enough to believe, then use that to your advantage verus getting angry and crossing out some names in your address book.  Figure out which one of those liars are selling you the better load of crock and keep that liar on your team.  A good liar will always come in handy when you’re stuck in a jam.  If your conscious prevents you from hanging with that class of people, you could always  recall the words and envison (in your mind, of course) that funny little limmerick I used to sing as a child, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”  It’s okay to be optimistic, but don’t be a dummy.  In fact, know your facts!  According to a study documented in the June 2006 issue of the journal American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985.  The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two.

According to the study:

  • Americans’ dependence on family as a safety net went up from 57% to 80%
  • Americans’ dependence on a partner or spouse went up from 5% to 9%
Where does that leave everyone else?  Don’t all answer at once.  Just think about it silently to yourselves. 
 
Either way, good or bad, it’s a good thing to have someone in your corner.  Someone who’ll pay your bail when you get caught lifting a Mr. Goodbar at the neighborhood convenient store; someone who’ll have a ziploc bag full of ice after you’ve just gotten your butt whooped for shooting off at the mouth; or someone who won’t laugh in your face when the girl you’ve been eyeing all night finally gives you closure and rejects your ass.  After all, that’s what friends are for. 
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The next time your BFF or even your frenemy steers you in the path of wanting to put a spoonful of beaver droppings in their favorite pair of shoes — don’t.  There’s one thing that’ll favor you to remember and applies to every single person walking the face of this planet: “It’s cheaper to keep ‘er!”  That’s why we say 90% of any effort is getting started.  Thinking of your game plan isn’t always easy, but once you’ve got that out of the way, everything just falls into place.  Until then, own your frenemism ’til death does the relationship part. 
    • Quote of the week:   “Love is blind.  Friendship tries not to notice.”