Over the course of the last year, we’ve discussed some very interesting mistakes that the common man or woman makes. We’ve reviewed the flaws and faults of a relationship gone wrong, personal hygiene – from the root of the hair all the way down to the ashy, unclipped toenails. We’ve talked about liars, cheaters and everything in between. We’ve touched base on bad ass kids and the “what not to do’s” while sitting in church. All of these topics are still very valid today but there’s one thing that we must not overlook; one topic that is probably not in the database of any normal person’s conversation. Lucky for you Hottywood is anything but normal! I hope you’re sitting down for this. Better yet, I hope you’re standing up because today we will spotlight the disaster of sharing a public restroom.
As convenient as it may be to stop and pee-pee or even perform restroom feat #2 in a public facility, there is no denying that the sh*t is gross – so much so until it’s almost understandable for a person to hold their business until they’re in the privacy of their own home. Now we can sit here and state the obvious of why public restrooms are disgusting – beginning and ending with sanitation, but putting aside the truths of stained toilet seats and rolls of toilet paper with only enough paper to give your ass one good wipe, there is the issue of the dang-blasted smell! As if walking into a public potty and taking a whiff of the less than fragrant aroma of unwashed body parts weren’t enough, there’s also the offensive scent of accrued combined ass gas that covers the dank room like cracked paint on walls. No amount of cotton would ever be enough to shove up your nose to mask that deplorable smell. Funk discriminates against no one. Women and men alike, should take pride in applying some soap and water to their bums, family jewels and va-jay-jays as well as consider changing their eating habits so that the waste that’s released from their ass doesn’t smell like shark infested sea-water.
It would probably be more of a convenience if we could just remove our noses like a Mr. Potato Head doll. However modern technology hasn’t brought us to that era just yet. Michael Jackson tried it once and the poor guy never did get his nose on right after that. But you have to admit that the idea is pretty intriguing. You’ll probably give it more thought the next time you’re sitting in a stall next to someone who’s had two cans of pork & beans for lunch.
Foul smells aside, one can’t overlook the serious violation of personal space. Something about sitting on a porcelain throne, knowing there’s someone sharing your experience in the stall right next to you introduces a catastrophic level of privacy invasion. It goes far beyond the definition of “T.M.I. [Too Much Information].” That level of discomfort is a sure fire way of blocking the concentration flow of excrement release. …hey I’m trying to keep it as clean as possible here.
To make a long story short, the bottom line is that public bathrooms sit high and pretty on the top of the “Just Kill Me Now” list. The only thing attractive about them is the convenience. Despite the realism of the disgusting smell and the invasion of privacy, there’s a funny little phrase that comes to mind: “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” I suppose in everyone’s life there comes a time when you just have to pinch your nose tightly, close your eyes, hold your breath and take one for the team. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started, even in a situation as funky as the public restroom on Route 66.
Quote of the week: “The next time you’re in a public bathroom, cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.”