They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I say money does. Either way, it’s all one big fat case of the ‘tomato/tomawto’ syndrome. What’s up to all you skankalicious folks out there in Readerville? I know you missed me but you can get your sweaty paws off the jock strap because we’re back and roaring ferociously with Hottywood’s HORRORscopes!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
___________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
No matter how good your aim is, you will be cursed with missing the toilet seat.
___________________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You are the academic equivalent of a bullhorn and may end up landing a promising career in fast food cashiering…if you’re lucky.
___________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are going to tell so many bold-face lies that you’ll eventually begin to believe them yourself. Unfortunately, you’ll be the only one who believes them.
___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will suffer a diaper rash between your big and middle toes. If you want to know how the hell the rash got on your toes, your guess is as good as mine.
___________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Decorate your favorite room in chocolate-colored toilet paper. It’ll say a lot about your character. A sh*tty mess.
___________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Counting backwards while scratching your nipples will lead you to some of your best decisions today.
___________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may need to change your eating habits if you sweat hot dog water.
___________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Humor is the aspirin of life. Stupid people are the gas we pass in a crowded room after eating a ½ dozen deviled eggs.
___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There is a great revelation in a pound of bacon – unless you are a vegetarian. Then your judgment will be just as cloudy today as it was yesterday. Good luck.
___________________________________________________________
September 23 – October 22
There is nothing good about a saggy vagina.
___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your nasty ass attitude will get you a well-deserved slap on the forehead. Stay away from video cameras, YouTube and people who smell like kangaroo sacks.
___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
People may be a little put off by you because you’re an effin’ weirdo. You rarely wear underwear and you reek of piss. But you’ll save a lot of money in car insurance.
___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.”
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!