They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I say money does.  Either way, it’s all one big fat case of the ‘tomato/tomawto’ syndrome.  What’s up to all you skankalicious folks out there in Readerville?   I know you missed me but you can get your sweaty paws off the jock strap because we’re back and roaring ferociously with Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how good your aim is, you will be cursed with missing the toilet seat. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are the academic equivalent of a bullhorn and may end up landing a promising career in fast food cashiering…if you’re lucky.    

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You are going to tell so many bold-face lies that you’ll eventually begin to believe them yourself.  Unfortunately, you’ll be the only one who believes them. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You will suffer a diaper rash between your big and middle toes.  If you want to know how the hell the rash got on your toes, your guess is as good as mine. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Decorate your favorite room in chocolate-colored toilet paper.  It’ll say a lot about your character.  A sh*tty mess.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Counting backwards while scratching your nipples will lead you to some of your best decisions today. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may need to change your eating habits if you sweat hot dog water.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Humor is the aspirin of life.  Stupid people are the gas we pass in a crowded room after eating a ½ dozen deviled eggs. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

There is a great revelation in a pound of bacon – unless you are a vegetarian.  Then your judgment will be just as cloudy today as it was yesterday.  Good luck.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There is nothing good about a saggy vagina. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your nasty ass attitude will get you a well-deserved slap on the forehead. Stay away from video cameras, YouTube and people who smell like kangaroo sacks.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

People may be a little put off by you because you’re an effin’ weirdo. You rarely wear underwear and you reek of piss.  But you’ll save a lot of money in car insurance.

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Quote of the Week:      “The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.”